NL S14 Preview: East & South are a penis wrinkle

Ten games into the season, and the East has a team on pace for 162 losses, while the South has a team on pace for 145 losses.  Small sample size, I know.  But when I think of the East and the South, I think of this:

Baltimore is on the left.  Rochester/Hartford is in the green.  Jacksonville is in the leopard print.  El Paso is in the pink.  That's right, El Paso is the hot one.  Of those four franchises, Rochester is the only one who made any substantial noise in the free agency market, with one Type A and two Type B signings.  Jacksonville signed Kent Rivera about five seasons too late, but at least they did something.  Despite having protected first round picks, Baltimore and El Paso both spent the offseason shitting their pants, and wondering how much money they can throw into the IFA market.  It's fairly safe to assume that all four of these squads will be safely in the top 12 come draft time next year.

Who will be out of the playoff hunt by the all-star break?  Well one could argue that New Britain should be in the same category as those first four fatties, so clearly the best they can hope for is this section.  I actually feel bad for Cincy, Anaheim, and Iowa City, because those three deserve better than being group with the Rock Cats.  But I'm sure Lucy Lui didn't like being grouped with Drew Barrymore and Cameron Diaz in Charlie's Angels, so not everyone can get what they want.  Cincy made some noise by signing Aguilera, but every other signing from this group was Type B players, and most of them were pretty shitty.  Seriously, who the fuck is William Iwazaki?  These guys all tried to make a few improvements, but it won't get them anywhere.

Who is hoping to make the playoffs, but will come up short?  The fighting Sandias from Albuquerque are dying a slow death already.  I would post a picture of my bullpen, but some of you might be eating, and I don't want to show you what came up when I googled "festering genital wart."  Your reigning world series champs from Colorado, god bless them and their $100M budget, but they can't do it two years in a row.  If you google "disappointment chick" this is one of the first 25 or so that comes up, and I'm okay with that:

New Orleans played .500 ball last year, which earned them the division win, and they'll improve a bit this year too, but they'll have to settle for a wild card.  Wait, a team from the South is going to finish above .500 and not win the division?  Get the fuck out of here.  Your other wild card will be.....shit, I dunno.  Either St Louis or Durham.  The two of them together have spent more on payroll than Baltimore, Rochester, El Paso and Jacksonville combined.  Maybe that's why those four are in the fat girls club.  I like the St Louis defense more, so let's put Durham here as the other wild card.  Not a horrible place to be. 

Your division winners then will be the dipshits who are left over.  We've got Helena in the North, the aforementioned St Louis in the East, the doomed-to-exit-early Jackson in the South, and this year's version of Colorado, Boise from the West.  St Louis and Helena will get the first round byes, while Jackson gets brutally raped by Durham, and Boise/New Orleans try to figure out why they're in the playoffs.  At that point, I'll probably stop paying attention.  But I'm sure everyone involved will be having fun. 

Good luck assholes.