BPF All-Timey Rotation:The Fab 5

Having examined teams thoroughly for umpteen seasons now, I can confidently claim that this world has been a pitchers world. There are three who stand above all others but the fourth and fifth spots can be made claim to by many excellent candidates. The criteria I'm using are stats, awards, bias, and opinion. Because I have recently been declared "The Worlds Pre-Eminent Thinker", again, my opinion, is in fact, unassailable, so learn to live with it.

Starter One:

Curtis McMillon Vancouver Coastals Age: 28 B/T: S/L Born: Tioga Center, NY Position(s): P (SP1) View Hardball Dynasty Profile

The Heat, as he's known in Vancouver, in only four and nearly a half seasons has already established the highest winning percentage in BPF history. One of the rarest creatures in HBD, McMillon has more strikeouts than innings pitched over his career. Relying on a biting, 95+MPH four seamer, and a ridiculously effective palmball (whatever the fuck that is, haven't heard that term since the 80s) has two Cy Youngs and a Rookie Of The Year, McMillon is on his way to the most storied career thus far in BPF history. Even though his post season career has been very opposite of his regular seasons, he's still my choice to start game one of the WS. Only thing holding him back from pitching to his potential is the fact he's on my team and I'm a lousy GM.

Starter Two:

Jumbo Long Albuquerque Sandias Age: 33 B/T: R/R Born: Central City, NE Position(s): P (SP1) View Hardball Dynasty Profile

This world's most celebrated pitcher with four Cy Young and constant All-Star apprearances. Not overpowering by any stretch Long dominates with accuracy and touch, and a buckling slider that's just a notch slower than his fastball. A sub 3.00 ERA in over 2400 innings is a massive achievement. Long has also demonstrated a longevity of excellence, being a season 1 original. Jumbo is still bitter over the ridicule he took for his name, while a member of the Faggots.

Starter Three

Chris Matthews Honolulu Harpoon Age: 38 B/T: R/R Born: Edmond, OK Position(s): P (SP3) View Hardball Dynasty Profile

I'll leave the obvious name associations aside. Damn fine pitcher who's made a fucking mint (207 mil!) in his career in BPF. One Cy Young and World Series ring, several All-Star games, his own political talk show on MSNBC (oops). Record the past few seasons hasn't been as shiny as early in his career and his skills are sliding but still effective and owner of a fine legacy. Considering a run for the Senate (oops).

Starter Four

Dummy Wayne Chicago Black Holes Age: 31 B/T: L/L Born: Surrey, BC Position(s): P (SP1) View Hardball Dynasty Profile

This idiot has carved himself a great career despite a marginal IQ. Possessing a 98MPH fastball and just effectively wild, did as stupid does, but still managed to induce goundouts and swinging strike threes, season after season. Getting up there but has won back to back rings and is shooting for three straight with Chicago. So you know how life is like a box of chocolates and you never know what you're going to get? Yeah well most boxes come with a fucking guide. It's pretty easy to figure out which is which, moron. Never noticed he's from Surrey BC before. Used to be Vancouver's asshole much like I said about Tacoma, a place so nice they put the airport there.

Starter Number Five (say it like Lou Bega would)

Geraldo Cordero Burlington Coat Factories Age: 30 B/T: L/L Born: Laguna Verde, DO Position(s): P (SP2) View Hardball Dynasty Profile

There was fierce competition for this spot, at least a dozen valid candidates, but when you look at consistency and body of work, it becomes clear. Cordero relies on a hard fastball, curveball combo with a couple other pitches thrown to keep hitters off balance. Never saw Brooke Shield's 13 yr old tits when she was next door to his hometown (that might go over some heads, but trust me, it's brilliant). His first season in Syracuse is made more amazing with the knowledge Cordero compiled a 2.69 ERA despite the Keystone Cops antics behind him.

And now Brooke Shields in Blue Lagoon:

All time All BPF team.

Should have done this last season, but better late than never. With 10 seasons having passed it's time to look at which players have been the best by position so far. So I imagined convenening an esteemed panel of pretend baseball experts, insiders, and the liberal sports media to come up with this team. I'll start first with the catchers position. This one's pretty easy:

Julius Neal Jacksonville Jimmies Age: 28 B/T: R/R Born: Brooklyn, NY Position(s): C View Hardball Dynasty Profile

bnags stole Neal from Portland (now Salem) in season 5 in probably the worst trade in BPF history (shame on us for not catching that one). Seriously, Neal for Yuniesky Maranon, Bryan Anderson, and Albert Simon, fucking awful. A World Series ring, several Silver Sluggers, All-Star appearances, and a Gold Glove later and you have one of the most bestest players in BPF. Though not blessed with the strongest arm, he's a more than capable pitch caller, and a sick bat. Honorable mention goes to Geronimo Cruz. When reached for a comment Neal simply stated in a thick Brooklyn accent, "Go fuck yourself".

At first base the choice was easy:

Albert Cairo Albuquerque Sandias Age: 32 B/T: R/R Born: Bani, DO Position(s): 1B/OF/DH View Hardball Dynasty Profile

The most decorated player in BPF history has been aided by playing in some hitter friendly park's and some dubious early seasons pitching. But his achievements can't be denied. A stunning combination of power and speed, and a very competent glove man at first. 5 MVPs, 2 Gold Gloves, a slew of All-Star games and a championship on his sparkling resume. All time BPF leader in runs, homers, RBIs, and stolen bases. Unbelievably has never learned english except to say "baseball has been bery, bery good to me".

Our second bagger is:

Delino Hall Chicago Black Holes Age: 31 B/T: S/R Born: Menominee, MI Position(s): 2B/CIF/OF/DH View Hardball Dynasty Profile

Though still surrounded by the controversy involving several underage Thai boy prostitutes and a long standing addiction to opium and opium derivatives, Hall has forged himself a sexy career. Though he spent a couple seasons in RF recently, Hall has two MVPs and four Silver Sluggers at second. He's also a two-time consecutive World Series champeen, and has a good shot at three in a row with Chicago this season. We asked his teamates ofr a comment, and it was almost universal: "sick asshole, but a great player". Aspires to be a baby sitter specializing in pre-pubescent boys when his career winds up.

The best shortstop we've seen so far is a much harder call. The panel wanted the defensive importance of the postion to be of greater signifigance than the bat. We haven't seen a SS win an MVP, there have been a few big hitters with lacking glove work, who also spent significant time at other positions, which the panel concluded was not enough to qualify. So believe it or not here is the ALL-Time BPF shortstop:

Tony Tejada none none Age: 37 B/T: R/R Born: Las Matas Cotui, DO Position(s): RF/CIF/2B/LF View Hardball Dynasty Profile

I know, I know, but I think he's the only SS to win both a Gold Glove (4) and a Silver Slugger (2), as well as making the All-Star team in his first five seasons. Both Aaron Spahn and Pedro Aguilera have won Silver Sluggers at the position but neither are true shortstops. Anyways Tejada was a rocket armed hoover in the early days who went largely unnoticed except by the awards commitee. Here you go Tony, congrats.

Third base gives us a lot of candidates and maybe some controversy. Or maybe not. There hasn't been a player who, over the course of this world's history, been there season in season out. We've seen many player have a good stretch here and there and there have been some familiar names appear over time such as Flores in vancouver and Rader, whereever the hell he is. Aguilera has spent some time there and won awards but in the end the nod goes to :

Aaron Spahn St. Louis Oxbows Age: 30 B/T: R/R Born: Florence, CO Position(s): RF/IF/OF/DH View Hardball Dynasty Profile

He's spent quite a bit of time as an over reaching shortstop, but his true spot is at the Hot Corner where he's won both the Gold Glove and Silver Slugger. This world's only openly gay player it's his career goal to one day play in KC. Spahn won a ring in his first season, which spoiled him as he thought it would be easy to win more as easy as it is to get an anonymous blow job in the showers at whatever Y he was at. Wrong.

Let's move to the outfield. we'll start in center. It came down to Flash Bass and the eventual winner of this phony popularity contest

Lance Morris Vancouver Coastals Age: 28 B/T: R/R Born: Spencerville, OH Position(s): 2B/CIF/OF/DH View Hardball Dynasty Profile

Though recently moved to secondbase, Morris's achievements in center can't be denied. He's won every AL CF Silver Slugger since his rookie season (which also had him win Rookie of The Year). Power and speed, with very good range. In off-field news it was recently discovered he has sent cell phone pictures of his dick to a former Jets employee...er, wait...that's Brett Favre. dick isn't that impressive, wouldn't even tempt Spahn.

In left the Star Chamber decided upon:

Alexander Starr Hartford Insurance Men Age: 36 B/T: L/R Born: Columbus, OH Position(s): 2B/1B/LF/DH View Hardball Dynasty Profile

Pretty weak pool of candidates, many candidates from the first few seasons, Starr is the only one with longevity at the position and has won both Silver Sluggers and Gold Gloves at the position. Really boring guy, collects empty toilet rolls as a hobby and has been known to chew cud.

In rightfield it was settled upon:

Dizzy Allen Milwaukee Ueckers Age: 29 B/T: L/L Born: Danbury, TX Position(s): RF/1B/LF/DH View Hardball Dynasty Profile

Couldn't catch a cold in the field, but at the plate the guy is bonkers. Three time MVP still in his peak years and winning championships. In the early days of BPF Rob Dickerson was The Man in right but his legacy has been clocked by Allen, whose trophy mantle keeps filling up. Shockingly admitted that as a teenage promise keeper who hasn't met "the One" he's still a virgin.

The panel decided to pass on the DH as it's not applicable to both leagues. The panel reconvenes tommorrow for the All-time BPF Four Man Rotation and maybe closer.