As for the league itself, there's several top tier teams and several steaming piles of crud. Very little in between.
AL WEST
Honolulu Harpoon
S14: 73-89 (88-74), 3rd
Recognizing that what this team needs most is offense, shiish upped and signed a couple of bats in Mercedes and Gomez, as well as minor league basher Izquierdo. Long and Greenburg are purty swell hurlers and the defense is killer up the middle. Won't challenge for the division title, but then, there's three teams that will absolutely not win the AL West. There's no real huge bat in the line up, even with the additions, but this team will squeeze a few more runs than last season.
Defense: B
Offense: C
Pitching: C+
Prediction: 70-92,
Salt Lake City Warriors
81-81 (70-92), 2nd
The Pixies ode to the Great Salt Lake and the city that bears it's name.
Palace Of The Brine:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D1kibMCLEzU&noredirect=1
In a place they say is dead
in the lake that's like an ocean
i count about a billion head
all the time
there's a motion
palace of the brine
i saw the cloning
of the famous family
i heard the droning
in the shrine
of the sea-monkey
palace of the brine
beneath reflections in the fountain
the starry sky and utah mountains
they are swimming happily
can't you see
a life that's so sublime
palace of the brine.
Range is the word for the fielders on this team. They might bobble the ball when they reach it, but they'll be reaching a lot of balls. Seriously these guys should get to a load of balls. Contact is a weak spot in a non-overwhelming offense. Lots of speed. Pitching is sub mediocre.
Defense: B+
Offense:C
Pitching: C
Prediction: 68-94
Scottsdale Storm
107-52 (100-62), 1st
Solid, solid team. You got pretty good fielding, though the weak point of this franchise. Pitching is filthy, just fucking filthy. Offense is weakish on contact but has big ass power, very good splits and eye. A World Series contender to be sure, and a lock for West title and, probably, the bye.
Defense: C+
Offense: A-
Pitching: B+
Prediction: 108-54
Vancouver Coastals
69-93 (72-90), 4th
One time, a few years ago, I was out with a bunch of staff from the place I was working at. Started the night with a couple glasses of champagne, then moved on to beer, then on to double rum and cokes. Throughout all that we did Tequila shots. My seventh shot was a Fireball so the shot also had Tabasco in it. So after about five hours I'm feeling pretty fucked up. Someone pulls out a joint and I'm like "ohhh yessshhh". Folks see I'm totally slobberknockered and try and prevent me from partaking, but I was having none of that. We smoke the joint and head back in the bar. Suddenly I know what's coming. I ask, and receive, an immediate ride home. I just make it to my toilet, and the puke just erupts from throat. I mean, i am full on heaving. Then I spray shit all over my pants. So I'm now sitting on the toilet pissing brown out my ass, and continuing to toss liquids in the mop bucket between my legs. This went on for over two hours. By the end nothing was coming out either end, but I couldn't stop going through the motions. The way I felt at that point in time, is my team. PS have never touched Tequila since.
Defense: B
Offense: C
Pitching: C+
Prediction: 65-97
AL SOUTH
Houston Colt 45s
95-67 (100-62), 2ND
Colt 45-Afroman
Wait a minute man
Hey check this out man (tell it)
There was this blind man right, (this fool right here)(man check it, hey)
There was this blind man right(hey)
He was feelin' his way down the street with a stick right (yeah), hey
He walked past this fish market, you know what I'm sayin' (fish market?)
He stopped he took a deep breath he said
"Snfffffff, woooo good morning ladies"
You like that shit man (that was pretty good)
Hey man I got a gang of that shit man
I tell you what my man on the guitar,
Hey fool on the drums.
Everyone just gather around the mic I'll tell you all these mutha fuckin' jokes but first imma start off like that, hey help me sing it homeboy (C'mon!)
Say Colt 45 and 2 zig-zags baby thats all we need
We can go to the park after dark
Smoke that tumbleweed
As the marijuana burns we can take our turn singing them dirty rap songs Stop and hit the bong like Cheech and Chong
And sell tapes from here to Hong Kong. so roll roll roll my joint pick out the seeds and stems ridin high as hell flyin through palmdale skating on dantty rims. so roll roll the eighty three cadillac coupe devill if the tapes or my cds just dont sell i bet my cadi will.
well it was just sundown in a small white town we call it east side palmdale. when the afroman went through the white land houses when up for sale. well i was standing on the corner sellin rap cds when i met a little girl named jane. i let her ride in my cadi cause i didnt know my dady was the leader of the kun klux klan. we fucked on the bed fucked on the floor fucked so long i grew a fucken afro. we fucked to the left and we fucked to the right she sucked my dick till the shit turned white. so i thought to myself sheba sheba got my ass lookin like a zebra put on my clothes and i was on my way till her daddy showed up in a chevrolete. so i ran i jumped out the back window but her daddy he was waiting with a two by four. he beat me to the left beat me two the right the motha fucka wouped my ass all night but i aint mad at her prejudice dad thats the best damn pussy i eva had. so i grabbed a bag of weed and a bottle of whine and ima fuck that bitch just one more time.
(chorus)
i met this lady in hollywood she had green hair but damn she looked good i took her to my house cause she was fine but she wooped out a dick that was bigger than mine.
i met this girl from japan
Never made love with an African
I fucked her once
I fucked her twice
I ate that pussy like shrimp-fried rice
Don't be amazed at stories I tell ya
I met a woman in the heart of Australia
Had a big butt and big titties too
So I hopped in her ass like a kangaroo
See I met this woman from Hawaii
Stuck it in her ass and she said aaiiiii
Lips where breakfast
Pussy was lunch
Then her titties busted open with Hawaiian punch
Met Colonel Sanders' wife in the state of Kentucky
She said I'll fry some chicken if you just fuck me
I came in her mouth it was a crisis
I gave her my secret blend of herbs and spices
[CHORUS]
I met Dolly (pardon) Parton in Tennessee
Her titties were filled with Hennessy
That country music really drove me crazy
But I rode that ass and said yes Ms. Daisy
I met this lady in Oklahoma
Put that pussy in a coma
Met this lady in Michigan
I can't wait 'til I fuck that bitch-again
Met a real black girl down in South Carolina
Fucked her til she turned to a white Albina
Fucked this hooker in Iowa
I fucked her on credit, so I owe her
Fucked this girl down in Georgia
Came in her mouth, man I thought I told ya
Met this beautiful sexy ho
She just ran across the border of Mexico
Fine young thing said her name's Maria
I wrapped her up just like a hot tortilla
I wanna get married but I cant afford it
I know I'm a cry when she get deported
[CHORUS]
Have you ever went over a girl's house to fuck
But the pussy just ain't no good
I mean you gettin' upset because you can't get her wet
Plus you in the wrong neighborhood
So you try to play it off and eat the pussy
But it take her so long to cum
Then a dude walk in that's her big boyfriend
And he asks you where you from
So you wipe your mouth and you try to explain
You start talkin' real fast
But he already mad cause you fuckin' his wife
So he start beatin' on you ass
Now your clothes all muddy
Your nose all bloody
Your dick was hard but now its soft
You thought you had a girl to rock your world
Now you still gotta go jack off
Nice team, with all the tools to make the playoffs. A couple arms short of a full staff, yet
Defense: B
Offense: A
Pitching: A-
Prediction: 100-62
Florida Fire
107-55 (82-80), 1st
I don't know who caught for Florida last year, but I'm going to just go ahead and state that the addition of Julius Neal is an upgrade. The best hitting catcher in world history joins an already potent order. Defensively this squad is insane. Perhaps even insane in, say, the membrane. Speaking of the brain, did you know there are thought to be 300 TRILLION synapses in the brain?! That's 300,000,000,000,000 more than domi had. I kid, we miss you, please come back. The only weakish point is the pitching, the team is so strong in the other areas it may not be that bad.
Defense: A+
Offense: A
Pitching:C+
Prediction: 104-58
Richmond Informers
63-99 (65-97)/ 4th
Hi Jordan, my name is Mark Giffin, I live in Halifax, Nova Scotia, Canada. I own a very successful cafe, and possess enormous cooking skills. My hands are becoming arthritic, but I still give a very soothing massage, and,I've been told, am very talented in the carnal arts. In fact you could say I fuck like I cook, and a lot of women have said it's the best meal they've ever had. So, what I'm saying is, Jordan, I would like to make you dinner, massage your back and neck, and then pound the tension out of your between-the-legs pleasure trap, if you get my drift (I mean I'd like to fuck your pussy).
The Informers will, once again, challenge Watching Paint Dry for levels of excitement in Richmond. The south shall rise, again! Ya, maybe one day, but not this season in Virginny.
Defense: C+
Offense: C
Pitching: C+
Prediction: 72-90
Memphis Dead Elvi
75-87 (62-100)/3rd
The plurality of the deceased Kings exceeded my low expectations and was one the precious few non awesome/shitty AL teams. So what do we got in Season15? Who cares, Monster-In-Law just started. A rom-com from 2005 starring J-Lo, Jane Fonda, and that sassiest of dykes, Ms. Wanda Sykes. I'll be back in two hours, full of good feelings and warmth for humanity. OK, back. This team reminds of the time I spent over two hours puking and shitting from Tequila and weed, did I ever mention that? If this team wins over 70 games again, I will fly down to Boston, and give sergei the longest, gaggiest, slurp splashed blow job of all time. I promise.
Defense: C+
Offense: C-
Pitching: C
Prediction: 62-100
AL NORTH
Fargo Fainting Goats
65-97 (70-92), 3rd
I said this in last seasons preview: "Hmm, according to Deivi Johnson's history expect a shitty year from him." I'm a genius. His average fell 48 points, 138 point loss in OPS, 28 less runs, and 38 less RBIs. So expect a bounce back year. And consider my point proven, that players are built with performance patterns. It happens in real life too, though. Take Josh Beckett. Here's his ERAs starting from 2003: 3.04, 3.79, 3.38, 5.01, 3.27, 4.03, 3.86, 5.78, 2.89. His winning percentages follow the exact pattern as well. as for the Goats, they boast a line-up of contact hitters, with some power and loads of speed. The defense is mediocre, and the pitching isn't what you'd call deep. Should improve on last seasons record just based on Johnson's expected better numbers.
Defense: C+
Offense: B-
Pitching: C
Prediction: 78-84
Montreal Maroons
98-64 (110-52), 1st
So mira's formula appears to be defense and power. Sprinkle in very strong pitching and you've got a defending Champ. Scottsdale is still my AL favorite this season, but the Maroons could very well be rep'sentin' in the World Series.BTW the Montreal Maroons were an ol' timey NHL team that was active from 1924 to 1938. So now you know. The Thurman & Osborn for Burns deal was a headscratcher.
Defense: A+
Offense: A-
Pitching: A
Prediction: 104-58
Milwaukee Ueckers
64-98 (94-68), 4th
Extreme Makeover: Milwaukee went into effect early last season destroying my prediction. Thanks for making me look bad. This years squad should easily beat last season's record. Pitching is some of the ALs best. Added former Vancouver bullpen tandem (happy bluegrey?) Rincon and Cornelius. Expect to see them dealt for prospects in a deal I'd never get. Offense won't be confused with Murders Row but at least knows which way to stand in the batters box. Also on the way this season are highly touted prospects Pep Choo, Junior Hoffman, and Max Andino, which will level the playing field with Montreal.
Defense: B-
Offense: A
Pitching: B+
Prediction: 96-66
Minnesota Purple People Eaters
76-86 (72-90), 2nd
Well I saw the thing comin' out of the sky
It had the one long horn, one big eye
I commenced to shakin' and I said "ooh-eee"
It looks like a purple eater to me
It was a one-eyed, one-horned, flyin' purple people eater
(One-eyed, one-horned, flyin' purple people eater)
A one-eyed, one-horned, flyin' purple people eater
Sure looks strange to me (One eye?)
Well he came down to earth and he lit in a tree
I said Mr. Purple People Eater, don't eat me
I heard him say in a voice so gruff
I wouldn't eat you cuz you're so tough
It was a one-eyed, one-horned, flyin' purple people eater
One-eyed, one-horned flyin' purple people eater
One-eyed, one-horned, flyin' purple people eater
Sure looks strange to me (One horn?)
I said Mr. Purple People Eater, what's your line
He said it's eatin' purple people and it sure is fine
But that's not the reason that I came to land
I wanna get a job in a rock and roll band
Well bless my soul, rock and roll, flyin' purple people eater
Pigeon-toed, undergrowed, flyin' purple people eater
(We wear short shorts)
Flyin' purple people eater
Sure looks strange to me
And then he swung from the tree and he lit on the ground
He started to rock, really rockin' around
It was a crazy ditty with a swingin' tune
Sing a boop boop aboopa lopa lum bam boom
Well bless my soul, rock and roll, flyin' purple people eater
Pigeon-toed, undergrowed, flyin' purple people eater
I like short shorts
Flyin' little people eater
Sure looks strange to me (Purple People?)
And then he went on his way, and then what do ya know
I saw him last night on a TV show
He was blowing it out, a'really knockin' em dead
Playin' rock and roll music through the horn in his head
Classic, Sheb Wooley was a genius. Minnesota still has a couple decent starters, but is still showing the effects of the previous regime. Thanks for joining ruffles and good luck.
Defense: C+
Offense: B-
Pitching: C+
Prediction: 70-92
AL EAST
Chicago Black Holes
102-60(95-67)/1st
The winningest team in the AL (I think the world as well) the past four seasons. Should repeat as division champeen again, but is just teensy bit below Scottsdale, Florida, and Montreal. Powerful line-up with patience. Dummy Wayne seeks a fifth straight season of 20 plus wins. Delino Hall's ratings drop off has been stunning the past couple seasons. I checked to see if it was major injuries but it seems Hall has never been on the disabled list. Then why is he plummeting so dramatically?
Defense: B-
Offense: B+
Pitching: B+
Prediction: 98-64
New York Yankees
75-87 (59-103)/3rd
Made me look bad with my prediction last season, devon, and I don't like that. It's like you're fucking with me. You wouldn't fuck with me, would you devon? Don't fuck with me, devon. Fuck with me, and I'll fuck you up. This looks like a hawkeye team, lots of 70+ overalls but mediocre skill sets. Should be good for 70-75 wins again. This might be the thing that puts the city that never sleeps to sleep.
Defense: C
Offense: B-
Pitching: C+
Prediction: 73-89
Wichita Prairie Dogs
70-92(80-82)/4th
Woof, woof, woof. The dog of the East. Alan White is the star of the offense, and future hall of fame reliever, but past his glory days, Luis James is the hero of the hurlers. 'Nuff said. This team will compete with mine, to be the league's asshole.
Defense: C
Offense: C
Pitching: C
Prediction: 68-94
Syracuse Street Walkers
77-85 (70-92)/2nd
Seems a few players short of a full roster, so I'll have to judge what I've got to work with. Hmmmm. Nothing really stands out. The chuckle inducing name Cooper Neugebauer gets all the chicks in Syracuse and that's not a good thing. Another one of the either or teams in the AL.
Defense: C
Offense: C
Pitching: C
Prediction: 65-97
Batter up!
Oh, remember this chick from Two and a Half Men?
Emmanuelle Vaugier, a native of Vancouver, she played Mia.
