This has nothing to do with this particular division. I just like her. And I like you. Well, most of you.
Helena Homies: Three straight division wins, but no deep runs into the playoffs. They lost a couple of guys to free agency, but got a little bit back with a trade during the off-season. Still a solid little squad with Dizzy and O'Keefe (a black guy from Florida with the last name O'Keefe? Sure. Right.) and Hernandez back again, picking up Pinky gives them a little more. I'm trying to think of something exciting to say about these guys. Dizzy is really good, he makes me hard. Stuart is kind of exciting. Whoa, I actually fell asleep for a second there. Am I distracted, or are they boring?
Offense: A-
Pitching: B+
Fielding: C
Prediction: 85 wins, 1st in division
Iowa City Corn-ish Hens: Signed Charles Zhang after losing Santiago Johnson to free agency. That's an even swap, right? Nope. While looking below average on paper, somehow these guys play .500 ball every season, and even went to the WS back in S10. But losing Santiago hurts, as he was the majority of their offense last year. They made one big trade where they shipped their best catching prospect for Donovan (AAA) and Pineiro (ML RP) and Martinez (ML SS/3B). Not a bad move, as it gives them ML talent that will be in the starting lineup on opening day. Are they world beaters? No. No no no no. But they'll play .500 ball maybe get a wild card spot. Not likely.
Offense: C
Pitching: C
Fielding: D
Prediction: 75 wins, 2nd in division
Cincinnati Red Thumpers: No big time free agent signings (or losses) and one trade that brought in a prospect, it was a quiet off-season for the RT's. The rapidly declining Pedro Aguilera is still there. He's made a lot of money over the years. Davy Matthews got old pretty quickly, and wow, he gets hurt. A lot. I can't believe Oscar Hamilton is still playing ball. Otherwise, these guys are as boring as Helena. Go watch some more of the youtube video and I'll go get some coffee. OK, everyone back? Good, let's move on.
Offense: C
Pitching: C
Fielding: B-
Prediction: 70 wins, 3rd in division
New Britain Rock Cats: With 106 losses last season, it was the worst ever for this once proud franchise. After not being able to sign last year's #3 pick, the Cats have picks #1 and #4, BB better hope it's a great draft class. No free agent movement and one meaningless trade, it will be a long season in New Britain. This is really just a boring division from top to bottom, isn't it? They don't deserve that youtube video. But I love them nonetheless, so they get to keep the video.
Offense: C
Pitching: D+
Fielding: D
Prediction: 60 wins, 4th in the division
All the World News that's unfit for print.
Friday, September 30, 2011
NL East S15
The theme song for the NL East this year, and St Louis specifically:
St Louis Oxbows - Six seasons under jstnklly management, three division titles and five playoff appearances, including a WS appearance last season. Do they have what it takes this season? Canseco, Boskie, Baez, Lombardi, Treadway, Morton, they're all back again. The only major subtraction was Griffith being shipped off for some relievers and a prospect, but I'm sure they'll make up for his hitting with Barney Woods coming into the clubhouse. Lombardi, Treadway, and Sivilla are still their top three guys for the playoffs, and with $121M set aside for player salaries, they're clearly shooting for another deep run into the playoffs. But can they get over the hump? I say no.
Offense: B+
Pitching: B+
Fielding: B
Prediction: 1st in the division, 90 wins
Rochester Red Wings: It really is amazing what a team can do when its owner wants to win. vector21 seemed like a nice guy and everything, but Jesus H Christ he really ran that ML team into the ground. 100+ losses for three seasons, and what happens the first year adreid comes in? A .500 ballclub. The #1 draft pick last year, now #20 this year. That's quite a jump. I can't figure out what's more shocking: Rochester's jump up the rankings, or Vancouver's drop. And how dedicated is Rochester to winning now, rather than saying "uh, we're gonna rebuild for a few more years," they went out and traded the third overall pick in S13's draft for two guys who will be Opening Day starters for the ML squad this season. Are they going to set the world on fire? No, but they'll win more games than last season, and they'll do it with a below average payroll, which means they're staying competitive while still building for the future. It's a novel concept.
Offense: C+
Pitching: B
Fielding: C+
Prediction: 85 wins, 3rd in the division
Boston Massacre: Very fitting name, considering recent days events. Hey look, tommy is back. And much like domi, kscott has gone the way of the dodo bird. And much like the dodo bird, it will take a couple of centuries before anyone cares that they are gone. What? Too soon? Anywho, after several seasons of hardcore tanking, kscott brought that franchise to some national prominence by winning the division in S12 and then the whole kit and kaboodle during the playoffs. He followed that up with a 105 win division title in S13, and then.....hey, look, more hardcore tanking. Or did he go MIA? I can't remember, the seasons and owners all run together. So now tommy comes in to try and fix this mess, and he starts out well by signing a couple of reasonably priced vets in Mota and Pall. He trades away Spahn and his contract for nothing (am I the only one who vetoed that deal? You're all a bunch of pussies), while trading away some prospects for more ML talent. Sabathia and Stuart were very nice additions, which quickly give Boston a pitching staff to be worried about. There are still some pieces here from that WS winning squad.....maybe they can get their shit together.
Offense: B
Pitching: B+
Fielding: B+
Prediction: 88 wins, 2nd in the division
Balteemore Turpins: You know your division is in bad shape when you can lose 90+ games in four consecutive seasons and not finish last in the division during any of those seasons. And it really says something about the entire world when a 94 loss team only has the 8th pick in the draft. But we're not here to talk about the past, and we're certainly not here to talk about the AL. Now I love Mr Gargle, but this is baffling to me. Jose Latos is traded to El Paso for Willie Arias. Jose cost Baltimore $5M in the IFA market a few seasons ago, and he then killed it in the minors for two years before batting .300+ for the Terps last season. Willie is a 10th round draft pick who has appeared in 96 minor league games over the course of five seasons, for a 4.14 career ERA. Willie then isn't protected and gets picked up via the R5D by New Britain. Jose is making the league minimum and still has some room to grow. Huh? There are some hot slam pieces down in the minors, but they won't help Bawlmer this season.
Offense: C
Pitching: C
Fielding: C+
Prediction: 70 wins, last in the division
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Monday, August 22, 2011
The Best Season EVER
More than 3/4 of the way done with Season 14, it makes absolutely no sense to put together this list, but I'm going to do it anyway. Why? Because I can. Actually, this idea came to me this morning for some reason. You know that you have hit rock bottom when you randomly start thinking of blog columns to do for your fake baseball world. We might have done this already, I'm not entirely sure. But this is my version.
Position by position, who has had the best single season in the history of this world? And I'm not just talking about who hit the most HR's at a certain position (although, that is certainly a factor), but who had one season that was head and shoulders above every other season that everyone else has played at that position. The hard part is figuring out what position each guy really plays. Not everyone in this world has always played players at the positions that their ratings are appropriate for. If you had a CF with a range of 75 back in S8, and he hit 100 HR's, should I not put him in the CF category? So when I'm looking for the best season ever, I'm taking fielding into account also. And did I probably miss someone in this list? Oh I'm sure of it.
Some guys who were in the running, but didn't quite make it: Michael Washington, Geronimo Cruz, Robb Smith, Ricardo Belliard, Ellis Hernandez, Alejandro Lee, Stuart Reid, Roosevelt Brower, Hunter Bryant, Dick Iorg, Lorenzo Crespo, Ivan Santos, Alex Avila, Willie Strickland, Flash Bass, Dizzy Allen, Benny Mercado, Alex Cubillan, Justin Taylor, Tori Wagner, Karim Ayala, Rocky Baxter.
Now on to the list.
Catcher -
In Season 11, Neal was amazing for Jacksonville. Catchers that can play a full 162 games are pretty rare. Catchers who can play that full season, and hit at a .336 clip are even more rare. Catchers who can do all of that while hitting 62 HR's and driving in 142 runs....they win the MVP award, which is what he did that season. Drafted #2 overall in the first ever draft of this world, we knew Neal would be a super star someday, and he hit 57 bombs in his first ML season, but S11 was his best of his career, and the best of any catcher ever in this world. (Yes yes yes, I know Washington hit 70 HR's and drove in 157 runs in only 146 games in S6, but that was in Colorado. Do it at sea level, and then come talk to me.) What's fascinating is how halfway through the following season, Neal was traded to Milwaukee.
1B -
Firstbase is always a tough position for these kinds of lists, because everyone has a 1B who has hit 50 HR's and driven in 150 runs. My initial list was over a dozen guys, before I narrowed it down to Cairo, Ryan, and Belliard. But how can you pass on Cairo's Season 5 in Santa Fe, when he joined the 70/70 club with 74 HR's and 71 SB's? Throw in 188 RBI's, 166 runs scored, an OPS of 1.096, and 0 errors in 1214 putouts, and you have the best season ever for a 1B. An MVP award, an All-Star appearance, and a Silver Slugger award capped off his season, along with 101 wins for the team, the most in franchise history. He makes my cock hard. That's not gay, is it?
2B -
I went back and forth on this one quite a few times. I wanted to throw out the first couple of seasons of this world, because a lot of the numbers were a bit inflated, but....they are still numbers. And Halama had some great ones (especially for a 2B) in the first season of this world. 48 HR's and 192 RBI's are the kinds of power numbers that you expect from a 1B or LF. 154 runs scored from the cleanup slot, along with a 1.179 OPS, and 66(!!) doubles, Halama couldn't be stopped that year. But he didn't win the MVP. That's how fucked up the numbers were that season, Belliard and his 74 HR's won the MVP for the AL. Halama was more than solid defensively that year as well, fielding 2B at a .985 clip, better than his career average at the position.
3B -
You can't have any sort of list in this world without having Spahn pop up somewhere in it (unless it's a list of the most heterosexual players ever), and his Season 6 performance in pitcher-friendly San Diego gets him on this list. A fairly pedestrian 35 HR's and 120 RBI's, coupled with 94 runs, 37 SB's, and only 8 errors all season earned him a spot on the All-Star team. Let me come back to this one spot on this list in a few weeks, and I'll put Daryl Hawksworth's Season 14 down as the best season ever by a 3B. But for now, it's Spahn and his dildo.
SS -
I bet you forgot about DeRojas, didn't you? Three 40+ HR seasons in the first four years of this world, he was a force to be reckoned with. Season 4 was arguably his best, as he banged out 42 HR's and 105 RBI's, while scoring 104 times and stealing 27 bases. His glove was an 85 that year, but his fielding was less than stellar, which may explain why he didn't make the All-Star team. No Silver Slugger award either, because HBD is stupid sometimes.
LF -
Now we could argue all day as to whether Ryan and his 38 range and 44 glove should have been playing LF back in S6, but he only committed 2 errors for Oakland that summer, and only had 3 negative plays. Not too shabby. Better than seasons 9 and 10 in Indy, where he logged 262 games in LF and had 51 negative plays. Ouch. At the plate in S6 he jacked 69 HR's and drove in 186 runs, while crossing the plate 134 times himself. An OPS of 1.051 (best of his career) and a nearly 1:1 BB:SO ratio (only topped by his S4 and approached by his S10), he won the MVP that year after making the All-Star team and earning the Silver Slugger as well.
CF -
I went back and forth on this one for a while. Morris vs Bass vs Strickland. Similar power numbers, similar speed, similar defensive numbers, etc. Eventually I had to go with Morris' Season 5 output. 47 HR's, 129 RBI's, 35 SB's, 122 runs, and a career high 1.041 OPS. On top of that, he was competent out in CF. A .983 fielding percentage, he only had 7 errors all year, and only 1 negative play to his 7 plus plays. It earned him the rookie of the year award, along with an All-Star appearance and a Silver Slugger award.
RF -
If we go all the way back to Season 2, you'll find another of "those seasons" that will probably never happen again. 66 bombs and 179 RBI's for Dickerson, combined with a mind-blowing 1.193 OPS and 146 runs scored, he also fielded RF at a .995 clip with just 1 error all season. An MVP, All-Star, and Silver Slugger awards all capped off his season, not to mention 110 wins, which is still a franchise record.
DH -
You remember Yerkes, right? Me neither. But way back in Season 1, he hit 57 HR's and drove in 141 runs, with a 1.103 OPS and more walks than SO's. He made the All-Star team and won the Silver Slugger award, and was an absolute menace for Cleveland.
SP -
I know, I know, you all think your SP's are the best. There was that one season when your one guy won X games and had an awesome ERA, and nobody noticed because your offense wasn't that great, and blah blah blah. Dummy's numbers in Season 12 trump whatever your idiot pitchers have ever done. Period. 27 wins, a 2.82 ERA, 7 complete games, a whopping 283 innings pitched, and a better than 3:1 SO:BB ratio, as he notched 281 SO's. Talking about DH's made me soft, but looking at Dummy's numbers are making me turgid yet again. Obviously, he had the Cy Young and an All-Star appearance that year. I didn't name any pitchers in the "almost got there" category at the top, because nobody else was really in the running.
Closer -
Back in Season 9, Timo appeared in 56 games. 55 of those were save opportunities. 51 of those became saves. He gave up only 7 earned runs in just shy of 55 innings of work, for a 1.15 ERA. An OAV of .161, WHIP of 0.93, and 53 strikeouts, he was the Rookie of the Year, Fireman of the Year, and earned a spot on the All-Star team. His 51 saves are tied for second on the all-time list of Most Saves in a Season.
There you go, pricks. Don't say I've never done anything for you. If you want to yell and scream about how great your guy is and how he should have been on the list. Nobody is listening, but go ahead and scream.
Position by position, who has had the best single season in the history of this world? And I'm not just talking about who hit the most HR's at a certain position (although, that is certainly a factor), but who had one season that was head and shoulders above every other season that everyone else has played at that position. The hard part is figuring out what position each guy really plays. Not everyone in this world has always played players at the positions that their ratings are appropriate for. If you had a CF with a range of 75 back in S8, and he hit 100 HR's, should I not put him in the CF category? So when I'm looking for the best season ever, I'm taking fielding into account also. And did I probably miss someone in this list? Oh I'm sure of it.
Some guys who were in the running, but didn't quite make it: Michael Washington, Geronimo Cruz, Robb Smith, Ricardo Belliard, Ellis Hernandez, Alejandro Lee, Stuart Reid, Roosevelt Brower, Hunter Bryant, Dick Iorg, Lorenzo Crespo, Ivan Santos, Alex Avila, Willie Strickland, Flash Bass, Dizzy Allen, Benny Mercado, Alex Cubillan, Justin Taylor, Tori Wagner, Karim Ayala, Rocky Baxter.
Now on to the list.
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There you go, pricks. Don't say I've never done anything for you. If you want to yell and scream about how great your guy is and how he should have been on the list. Nobody is listening, but go ahead and scream.
Friday, August 19, 2011
Killing Time on Friday
My boss gave me a task this morning. I nodded my head and said "sure, no problem." He sent me an email with the contract he wanted me to look at, and I had no clue what it was he wanted me to do. About a half hour later I sent him a file with some numbers and some info in it. An hour after that he walks into my office with a big smile on his face and says "thanks for catching that $10K travel expense, we would have needed to swallow that otherwise." It's a drop in the bucket, but $10K is still $10K. So after pulling some bullshit out of my ass, I saved the company $10K, and I think I've earned myself some free time this afternoon. I deserve it.
Mrs njohnson78 and I bought a condo last month. I wasn't a huge fan of the place when we first checked it out, but she kept bringing it up over and over again. Eventually we got it for about $30K less than our original offer. Yes, you read that right. It's a long story, and not very exciting, but we got a fairly reasonable deal on the place. Now it's not exactly in the ghetto of Arlington, VA, but it's not exactly in the upscale area where we had been renting an apartment for the last five years. It's sort of on the border between a really nice area where they are selling one bedroom condo's for $300K, and the ghetto where every store sign is written in Spanish and the average apartment houses a family of ten. Our new place is also on the bottom floor. Our "backyard" is a 5'x7' patio, and the only thing between us and the outside world is a sliding glass door. Do I think something bad will happen? No. Do I think something bad could happen? Sure.
So yesterday I finally pulled the trigger (partial pun intended) and bought a Mossberg 500 12ga pump action shotgun. I kind of wanted an over/under, but the wife said that if I was getting a shotgun, she wanted a pump. And if someone does break in, do I really only want two shots before I have to reload? But so I was drinking with a buddy of mine last night, and he looked at me like I had two heads when I said I had bought a gun. Now we have 32 owners in this world, and I'm fairly sure we have a pretty wide variety of Americans (along with those dirty canucks), so I wanted to post a poll and see if we have the same gun viewpoints as the general population.
Actual HBD talk? Fine, if I must. I've been avoiding this all season, but I think I finally need to admit I might have been wrong. I know, it's shocking. Both that I was wrong, and I'm admitting it. El Paso may have spent the offseason shitting their pants, but they currently have more wins than anyone else in the NL. I know, I know, usually my predictions go exactly as.....predicted. Shit. Thank god Baltimore and Jacksonville are sucking it up. Rochester is doing better than predicted, but they won't make the playoffs, which makes me feel a little better. My predictions of Helena and St Louis winning their divisions is looking pretty solid, although I said they would get the first round byes, and right now El Paso (!?!?!) and Albuquerque (not surprising) are in line for the #1 and #2 slots. Jackson, Boise, and New Orleans are in the running for the wild card, which I kinda sorta predicted. If the playoffs started today, Helena would get Boise, while St Louis would get Jackson. And when I say "get them," I mean they really get them, hard and from behind. No lube, and no easing it in. Sergei, are you hard yet?
In other news, if Buck Cain doesn't win another MVP award, I'm calling shenanigans. I know Babe Quinlan thinks he's the next Buck, but he can lick it. It? Yeah, it. And I know Shane McKnight is at the top of the Cy Young list right now, but if we vote a closer for Cy, then the terrorists win. J.C. Stewart is going to win the Silver Slugger award for pitchers this year. Why? Because he's batting fucking .326 and probably has more RBI's than your SS does. Was it publicly announced that Alejandro Lee got injured? That poor bastard. After so many seasons playing for shitty Hartford, he had a cup of coffee in Cincy where he probably thought it was heaven, and then he gets traded to the Durham powerhouse for a slightly longer cup of coffee, and then Houston gives him a monster contract. When all is said and done, he'll have made about $175M when this contract runs out at the end of S18. He'll be in his mid-30's, probably still in the low- to mid-80's overall, and he'll get another four or five year deal at $10M/yr. Where was I going with this? Oh yeah, he finally found a good team. Houston is 77-55 right now and having the best season since S4-7, back when they used to go to the playoffs. And he's hurt. Is he going to be the best player in this world to never win a World Series? And is there any doubt that Albert Cairo will go down as the best player ever in this world, period? 6 MVP's, 2 WS rings, 12-time All-Star, and a bunch of GG and SS awards. 700 HR's is right in front of him. 900 SB's is a long-shot, but a possibility. Should reach 2000 runs in the next few days. If he doesn't reach 2500 hits this year, it'll be next year. Such a stud. OK, that's all I've got.
Mrs njohnson78 and I bought a condo last month. I wasn't a huge fan of the place when we first checked it out, but she kept bringing it up over and over again. Eventually we got it for about $30K less than our original offer. Yes, you read that right. It's a long story, and not very exciting, but we got a fairly reasonable deal on the place. Now it's not exactly in the ghetto of Arlington, VA, but it's not exactly in the upscale area where we had been renting an apartment for the last five years. It's sort of on the border between a really nice area where they are selling one bedroom condo's for $300K, and the ghetto where every store sign is written in Spanish and the average apartment houses a family of ten. Our new place is also on the bottom floor. Our "backyard" is a 5'x7' patio, and the only thing between us and the outside world is a sliding glass door. Do I think something bad will happen? No. Do I think something bad could happen? Sure.
Actual HBD talk? Fine, if I must. I've been avoiding this all season, but I think I finally need to admit I might have been wrong. I know, it's shocking. Both that I was wrong, and I'm admitting it. El Paso may have spent the offseason shitting their pants, but they currently have more wins than anyone else in the NL. I know, I know, usually my predictions go exactly as.....predicted. Shit. Thank god Baltimore and Jacksonville are sucking it up. Rochester is doing better than predicted, but they won't make the playoffs, which makes me feel a little better. My predictions of Helena and St Louis winning their divisions is looking pretty solid, although I said they would get the first round byes, and right now El Paso (!?!?!) and Albuquerque (not surprising) are in line for the #1 and #2 slots. Jackson, Boise, and New Orleans are in the running for the wild card, which I kinda sorta predicted. If the playoffs started today, Helena would get Boise, while St Louis would get Jackson. And when I say "get them," I mean they really get them, hard and from behind. No lube, and no easing it in. Sergei, are you hard yet?
In other news, if Buck Cain doesn't win another MVP award, I'm calling shenanigans. I know Babe Quinlan thinks he's the next Buck, but he can lick it. It? Yeah, it. And I know Shane McKnight is at the top of the Cy Young list right now, but if we vote a closer for Cy, then the terrorists win. J.C. Stewart is going to win the Silver Slugger award for pitchers this year. Why? Because he's batting fucking .326 and probably has more RBI's than your SS does. Was it publicly announced that Alejandro Lee got injured? That poor bastard. After so many seasons playing for shitty Hartford, he had a cup of coffee in Cincy where he probably thought it was heaven, and then he gets traded to the Durham powerhouse for a slightly longer cup of coffee, and then Houston gives him a monster contract. When all is said and done, he'll have made about $175M when this contract runs out at the end of S18. He'll be in his mid-30's, probably still in the low- to mid-80's overall, and he'll get another four or five year deal at $10M/yr. Where was I going with this? Oh yeah, he finally found a good team. Houston is 77-55 right now and having the best season since S4-7, back when they used to go to the playoffs. And he's hurt. Is he going to be the best player in this world to never win a World Series? And is there any doubt that Albert Cairo will go down as the best player ever in this world, period? 6 MVP's, 2 WS rings, 12-time All-Star, and a bunch of GG and SS awards. 700 HR's is right in front of him. 900 SB's is a long-shot, but a possibility. Should reach 2000 runs in the next few days. If he doesn't reach 2500 hits this year, it'll be next year. Such a stud. OK, that's all I've got.
Saturday, August 13, 2011
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
NL S14 Preview: East & South are a penis wrinkle
Ten games into the season, and the East has a team on pace for 162 losses, while the South has a team on pace for 145 losses. Small sample size, I know. But when I think of the East and the South, I think of this:
Baltimore is on the left. Rochester/Hartford is in the green. Jacksonville is in the leopard print. El Paso is in the pink. That's right, El Paso is the hot one. Of those four franchises, Rochester is the only one who made any substantial noise in the free agency market, with one Type A and two Type B signings. Jacksonville signed Kent Rivera about five seasons too late, but at least they did something. Despite having protected first round picks, Baltimore and El Paso both spent the offseason shitting their pants, and wondering how much money they can throw into the IFA market. It's fairly safe to assume that all four of these squads will be safely in the top 12 come draft time next year.
Who will be out of the playoff hunt by the all-star break? Well one could argue that New Britain should be in the same category as those first four fatties, so clearly the best they can hope for is this section. I actually feel bad for Cincy, Anaheim, and Iowa City, because those three deserve better than being group with the Rock Cats. But I'm sure Lucy Lui didn't like being grouped with Drew Barrymore and Cameron Diaz in Charlie's Angels, so not everyone can get what they want. Cincy made some noise by signing Aguilera, but every other signing from this group was Type B players, and most of them were pretty shitty. Seriously, who the fuck is William Iwazaki? These guys all tried to make a few improvements, but it won't get them anywhere.
Who is hoping to make the playoffs, but will come up short? The fighting Sandias from Albuquerque are dying a slow death already. I would post a picture of my bullpen, but some of you might be eating, and I don't want to show you what came up when I googled "festering genital wart." Your reigning world series champs from Colorado, god bless them and their $100M budget, but they can't do it two years in a row. If you google "disappointment chick" this is one of the first 25 or so that comes up, and I'm okay with that:
New Orleans played .500 ball last year, which earned them the division win, and they'll improve a bit this year too, but they'll have to settle for a wild card. Wait, a team from the South is going to finish above .500 and not win the division? Get the fuck out of here. Your other wild card will be.....shit, I dunno. Either St Louis or Durham. The two of them together have spent more on payroll than Baltimore, Rochester, El Paso and Jacksonville combined. Maybe that's why those four are in the fat girls club. I like the St Louis defense more, so let's put Durham here as the other wild card. Not a horrible place to be.
Your division winners then will be the dipshits who are left over. We've got Helena in the North, the aforementioned St Louis in the East, the doomed-to-exit-early Jackson in the South, and this year's version of Colorado, Boise from the West. St Louis and Helena will get the first round byes, while Jackson gets brutally raped by Durham, and Boise/New Orleans try to figure out why they're in the playoffs. At that point, I'll probably stop paying attention. But I'm sure everyone involved will be having fun.
Good luck assholes.
Who will be out of the playoff hunt by the all-star break? Well one could argue that New Britain should be in the same category as those first four fatties, so clearly the best they can hope for is this section. I actually feel bad for Cincy, Anaheim, and Iowa City, because those three deserve better than being group with the Rock Cats. But I'm sure Lucy Lui didn't like being grouped with Drew Barrymore and Cameron Diaz in Charlie's Angels, so not everyone can get what they want. Cincy made some noise by signing Aguilera, but every other signing from this group was Type B players, and most of them were pretty shitty. Seriously, who the fuck is William Iwazaki? These guys all tried to make a few improvements, but it won't get them anywhere.
Who is hoping to make the playoffs, but will come up short? The fighting Sandias from Albuquerque are dying a slow death already. I would post a picture of my bullpen, but some of you might be eating, and I don't want to show you what came up when I googled "festering genital wart." Your reigning world series champs from Colorado, god bless them and their $100M budget, but they can't do it two years in a row. If you google "disappointment chick" this is one of the first 25 or so that comes up, and I'm okay with that:
New Orleans played .500 ball last year, which earned them the division win, and they'll improve a bit this year too, but they'll have to settle for a wild card. Wait, a team from the South is going to finish above .500 and not win the division? Get the fuck out of here. Your other wild card will be.....shit, I dunno. Either St Louis or Durham. The two of them together have spent more on payroll than Baltimore, Rochester, El Paso and Jacksonville combined. Maybe that's why those four are in the fat girls club. I like the St Louis defense more, so let's put Durham here as the other wild card. Not a horrible place to be.
Your division winners then will be the dipshits who are left over. We've got Helena in the North, the aforementioned St Louis in the East, the doomed-to-exit-early Jackson in the South, and this year's version of Colorado, Boise from the West. St Louis and Helena will get the first round byes, while Jackson gets brutally raped by Durham, and Boise/New Orleans try to figure out why they're in the playoffs. At that point, I'll probably stop paying attention. But I'm sure everyone involved will be having fun.
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