NL Preview Pt 1

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So there's a few NL themed chicks for ya, now let's get down to brass tacks. This will be a different style of review than my previous season's diatribes and woeful predictions (last season I predicted Iowa with a 72-90 record, they went 97-65. Did I mention I've not a WS title to my username? I've always thought higher ratings were better, but am slowly learning that's not always the case). I'm just going to give a rambling essay, full of  factual, logical, grammatical and spellingal errors, for your mild annoyance...er...pleasure. I'll throw in a picture of a chick now and then. I'll go by division, so that puts the NL North at bat.

Was I wrong about the Iowa Iowa City Corn-ish Hens or what? Fuck me, where did that division title come from? An amazing 31 win improvement from season 16. Nice work hshack. Gotta say, this world has had some mighty impressive team turnarounds. So how'd they do it? I dunno, not the greatest splits amongst the pitching staff. No big power threat in the line-up, and not exactly the most prodigious set of gloves in the field. They'll go 150-12. Next up the former powerhouse Helena Homies and the fading Dizzy Allen. The Homies should be giving Iowa more of a challenge for the division title, though i don't for see a return to the 100 win plateau of seasons previous. Stuart Taylor is the big man in Montana, but not a lot of sluggers after him. mostly a contact type line-up. Allen is fading but not quite incontinent, nor completely useless with the bat. Pitching appears to be the team's strength, at least in terms of splits. control is good, but not great, and there's not a lot of fielding depth. So those are the NL North's two contenders for the title, next we have the two teams that most definitely won't challenge for the crown. battling hard for the first pick in the Season 19 amateur draft will be the Cincinnati Red Thumpers and the New Britain Rock Cats. One team is safe from the 40/60 rule, the other is in serious danger. The new Britain franchise has lost 517 games the past five seasons and only seems to be getting worse. Pitching is simply awful. The line-up is much stronger versus lefties, but isn't as horrid as the hurler collective. Will finish close to the bottom in team fielding. If there's a bigger lock for the first pick next season, I will slit my fucking wrists in sorrow. Cincy caused a bit of a ruckus last season. Hopefully those issues are a thing of the past. Still, no hope of the post season for the Thumpers, Not much pitching and the offense seems to be where BPF stars go to die. See Aaron Spahn and Flash Bass. Ashes to ashes and crap to crap.

Predicted finishes:
Helena
Iowa city
Cincy
New Britain

Ok, let's take a tour of the NL East. They say chicks dig the long ball but I've never fucked a chick that expressed sexual interest in home runs, so I think that might fall under hyperbole. Too bad because the Boston Massacre could get some fantasy poontang with the power in it's line up. $112 million payroll may not be enough to reach the playoffs, but will make the price per win very inner-restin, as you Americans pronounce it.  Let's welcome olemiss3 and his Rochester Rebels. I'm assuming olemiss attended OleMiss. Anyhoo, I'd be soo-prised to see Rochester win the division, but the East is, arguably says the South, the NL's tightest division, so anything is possible. That's the best thing about the NL, it's really competitive and almost every team has a playoff shot. The Rebels are good, but not great, squad. Next, let's all look at St. Louis Oxbows. Holy fuck, a  $130 mil payroll! This team better win the division and make the playoffs. Almost every player makes a million plus. Good batting line-up, decent pitching, and a not horrid defense should net 90 wins, but what do I know? Lots actually. I'm pretty good at Jeopardy. Last up, the Baltimore Terrapins. Wow, does Bip Bigbie suck. Bawlmer should see further improvement. Best defense I've seen in the NL, so far. No uberstuds but solid line-up, strong against southpaws. Pitching is over-powering velocity-wise, but ain't much to write home about aside from bullpen hero Jerry Perez.

St Lou
Bawlmer
Rochester
Boston


That's it for now, I'll leave you hanging with Bar Rafaeli

And a video of a chimp raping a frog:

Ok, I'm back to do the NL South. Jacksonville Jimmies are up first. It appears bnags went to school on the old mira model. $16 mil payroll with loads of young talent. Didn't even take several seasons of 100+ losses to get to this point, not a bad job o' GMing there 'nags. The centrepiece of the team is uber talented firstbagger Malik Nathan, a sexy, sexy hitter. Solid, not fantastic D backs up a pretty good assemblage of hurlers. Though there's one guy with serious control issues. Also a speedy team. Could be one of the NL's best teams. I'm looking at Atlanta Bullochs, and I spy a SS by the name of Delmon Patterson and i see maybe the best defensive shortie in BPF. I look at his hitting ratings and i think, not so great, wonder how he stacks against my guy Heinie Cormier. In 250 or so more at-bats, Patterson has a slightly higher batting average, and very close in OBP. Doesn't have the power, but does his defence make him a more valuable player than Cormier? That's my bitch about Cormier out of the way (off to a hot start yet again, that's right .200). Seriously though what the fuck is Bulloch and why won't bluegray respond to joepat? No superstars but a big power line-up, and solid pitching. Will be in the playoff mix for sure, and in the Anything Is Possible NL, could win the division out right. New Orleans Posse is owned by dennisdee. dennis has been with us since season 5. I don't ever recall a post from him on the chatboard. Very quiet man. They often the say the quietest guy in the room is usually the smartest. But his silence hasn't translated to much success.A perennial .500 team, should see somewhere in that area again, this season. Some good pitching, but a very middle of the road team. But, again, this is the wild and world Senior Circuit, this team could win a 100 games. They won't, but they could. Let's just say the Jackson Generals can hit. They can really hit, and hit it hard. they can pitch too. What they won't do is get to many balls, and the ones they get to, they will promptly drop them. Must be testing a theory on HBD and fielding, will be interesting to watch. When David Canseco is, by far, your best glove man, you may have an issue. They might be best just putting empty gloves at every position, and save their energy for hitting, this is a team of DHs.

Jacksonville
Atlanta
Jackson
N'awlins

Tomorrow, I'll finish. In the meantime: Chicks!

OK, finally the NL West. Colorado Swingers are off to a purty good start after a forgettable Season 17. Worried about the pitching in the thin air of fantasy Denver, but the fielders boast some serious range. Offense is strong, and will be amplified at home, but so will the visiting line-up. At least the pitchers are more ground ball types. Hey look! It's the Albuquerque Sandias, otherwise known as the Buck Cainaanites. I got a question, what in unholy fuck are Eugenio Arias, and Enrique Cornejo doing on a ML roster. If the Sandias win a playoff series with those two on the roster and my Coastals never made a World Series, I'm going full sniper from the highest point in Halifax. Albakerky has the best defense in the NL that I've seen so far, solid offense, with the best hitter in BPF, but some questionable ML arms. Innings eaters I guess, but yeeesh, that's some crap. The Boise Freedom Fries need a shortstop to replace the empty Doritos Cool Ranch bag currently tending the position. No, seriously. Vin Arias is the pitching staff stud, but beyond him this is a wholly unremarkable team. Will compete every night, in this NL though. And the last team for me to totally misread is the Anaheim River Rats  and their speed based brand of small ball. Again a non-remarkable team aside from the fleet footed line-up. Decent defense, hitting and pitching, but I don't think enough of any of the three to challenge for a wildcard spot. The NL West is totally up for grabs but here's my prediction for year end standings:

Albakerky
Anaheim
Boise
Colorado

So that's my travesty of a season preview over. I don't proff read i just type and go so if there are (if?!) mistakes, fuck you, deal with it. And now, in the spirit of summer, assorted chicks on boats!

And one for Kansas City

Team names by google search

Albuquerque

Anaheim

Atlanta Bullochs (wtf is a Bulloch anyways? Does he mean Bullocks? I dunno, I went with an example of bullocks)

Baltimore

Boise

Boston

Chicago

Cincinnati

Colorado

Columbus

Fargo

Florida

 
Helena

Honolulu

Houston

Iowa City

Jackson

Jacksonville

Kansas City

Louisville

Milwaukee

Minnesota

Montreal

New Britain

New Orleans

Philadelphia

Richmond

Rochester

Salt Lake City

 Scottsdale

 St. Louis

Vancouver

Like I said, I will try and get a preview of some sort done. Starting to figure out this new blogger, but it's more the duties of the real world that suck up all my time. Have a good season everyone.

Victoria's Secret Models Welcome You To Season 18

Battle of the Ultra-Vixens

Megan Fox vs.

Angelina Jolie

Who's Mr. BPF?

In their primes (which Allen still is in) which player would you rather have as the centerpiece?

Dizzy Allen Helena Homies Age: 35 B/T: L/L Born: Danbury, TX Position(s): 1B/COF/DH View Hardball Dynasty Profile

or

Albert Cairo Colorado Swingers Age: 38 B/T: R/R Born: Bani, DO Position(s): 1B/OF/DH View Hardball Dynasty Profile

AL Preview

Don't expect much here.  It's 930am, and I'm trying to knock this out before lunch.  If I just mention your team, you should be happy.

The Contenders:
Milwaukee, Montreal, Scottsdale, Florida, and Houston.  Last year Milwaukee was the odd man out in the Division Championships, having been knocked out in the first round.  Chicago snuck into the playoffs by winning their division, but they're not quite in the same league as these five right now. 

Montreal is spending more money this season than the franchise has spent on players since way back in S3.  Almost no money in prospect for the second year in a row, mira is finally happy with his young players and is going to let other teams get some IFA's.  No big time FA signings this season, but when you have 9 players in the majors with an overall of 80+, and a stud pitcher in waiting down in AA, there's no need to spend excess money on old guys.  Only three guys on the entire ML roster are 30 or older.  Nine guys are 25 or younger.  Glad I'm in the NL.  After 97 wins, 107, 100, and then 99 last season, which was preceded by 93 losses, 96, 109, 99, and 100, Scottsdale is starting to run into the arbitration and FA cycles that come along with high draft picks and expensive IFA's.  The 12 best guys on the ML roster, only one is making the league minimum, while six are on long-term contracts, and the other five are in various stages of arbitration.  Almost $80M in salary this year, it's only going to go up from here.  Milwaukee has been pretty consistently between $80-100M in salary over the last 9 seasons, so they are no stranger to big budgets.  Billy Black was their big signing this winter, and he's already 3-0 with a sub 2.00 ERA.  The big spenders in this group are Florida ($128M) and Houston ($109M), but it's the third year in a row at $100M+ for each of them, so no biggie.  Florida brought in Jon Porter, with maybe the cheapest deal ever for a Type A free agent, while Houston made no big signings.  It's really going to be a dog fight amongst these five teams.  I think Florida might be the odd man out this year, who will get bounced.  Houston and Montreal have gotten off to slow starts, but it's hard to pick against either of them, while Scottsdale and Milwaukee are cruising already.  Assuming they don't have to play each other early in the playoffs, I think it'll be Milwaukee and Montreal in the ALCS.

The Pretenders:
Chicago, Minnesota, Vancouver, Fargo, Salt Lake City, and Columbus.  Assuming they win their division, Chicago is the "best" among this group, since they'll make the playoffs.  But getting knocked out in the opening round by someone like Florida or Houston, that's what is keeping them in this section.  One Type B signing this winter, with no trades.....if you're not moving forward, you're moving backwards.  The other five squads are all playing just a hair over .500 ball so far, which is about right.  Minnesota signed a Type B, Columbus picked up two of those, and Salt Lake City made the biggest signing of this group by picking up a 38yo Type A.  Fargo, Minnesota and Chicago win the awards for biggest waste of salary money while playing .500 ball.  Vancouver and SLC win the early award for doing the most with the least, as they combine for $60M in salary, and are a combined 26-22 so far.  mira, your secret on building a franchise is out.  Columbus and jmarkey already win the award for Most Improved.  Instead of slashing salary and playing .300 ball this season, he's throwing money at the problem and is above .500 already.  devon let them get older and older and older, and then bailed when they hit 100 losses.  Well done already, jmarkey.

They Are Dead To Me:
Memphis, Philly, Louisville, Richmond, Honolulu.  Memphis really shouldn't be in this list, but I'm not going to go back and delete everything I've already typed.  And having a 5-6-5 split among these three groups is much clearner than 5-7-4.  Being 16-8 already, the Memphis season is promising.  But history is against them, as they have been sub .500 since S12.  No huge FA signings, but a shit ton of trades.  I'm not going to break down each trade, but the majority end with the Elvi getting ML players, which can only be a good thing when you figure the last two seasons were 94 and 93 losses.  I'm cautiously optimistic that sergei is going to make me eat my words by putting them in this group, and he's going to have his boys fighting for a wild card slot.  Maybe.  Philly is right at .500 so far, but with 111 losses last year, and 95 and 92 the two seasons before that, they will certainly regress to the mean.  A couple of Type B signings might help them keep their heads above that 100 loss mark, but that's about it.  If they can avoid a top three draft pick, it's a win for jshirley in this first season.  Maybe the award for "what are they spending their money on" goes to Honolulu, as they are sitting on $81M in salary, with $90M budgeted, and a 7-17 record so far.  A few good gloves, a couple of average hitters, but the pitching staff is going to struggle, and they're probably looking at a top 3 draft pick.  Richmond might give them a run for their money though.  Five really solid seasons in a row, followed by one disaster, and now two consistently average seasons in a row, I thought initially that they would at least be looking at another average season.  Not a ton of money put into salary (better hope you don't need to promote anyone, unless you want to dip into that $17M in prospect), and very few transactions this winter, and a Type A leaving them for greener pastures.  Not good.  And then there is Louisville.  They actually signed the Type A that left Richmond (Felipe Tavarez), and also picked up Jorel Williams from the FA pile.  You'd think that would be a huge pick-me-up for that squad.  But they're 5-19 at the time of this writing.  Defensively, they're in trouble.  Offensively, they're not horrible.  Pitching.....ugh. 

Zoey Alexandra

NL North


Iowa City Corn-ish Hens



A greatly revamped defense stands out from last year's squad, but pitching seems to have taken a slight step back. some middle level FA signings, could see a slight improvement record-wise. Mmmmm cornish hens, little thai green curry rub, simply roast, pull the meat and serve with a coconut lemongrass based broth with rice noodles, veg, basil and peanuts. Damn tasty.


Defense: B-
Offense: C+
Pitching: C+
Prediction: 72-90

Cincinnati Red Thumpers



I'm not going to lie, pitching sucks in the NL. Another weak staff, another batting line-up much better against lefties. Not a lot of defense either. 54 mil payroll means the 60/40 rule is safe, but 60 wins might be the best it can do. Hmm, where is statman anyways.

Defense: C
Offense: C+
Pitching: C-
Prediction: 60-102


Helena Homies



While unable to repeat, making two straight World Series is pretty impressive. NL MVP Stuart Taylor had an astonishing 173 RBIs. Not sure they can reach those heights this season, and the pitching still looks a few arms short. not sure why Chris Clarke remains unassigned, but I ain't running the Homies, hom's.

Defense: C
Offense: B+
Pitching: B-
Prediction: 91-71

New Britain Rock Cats



Where did you go bbmogul? With what happened to sagacious, I don't like seeing owners just stop checking their teams, can't be good. But we welcome macwetherbee who steps into a mess. Next seasons top draft slot looks to be a lock if jshirley works his magic. Just a roster full of not much. At least 60/40 is safe.

Defense: C-
Offense: C
Pitching: C-
Prediction: 54-108

Ok, I did this while texting Baby Mama as she thinks her water may have broke. Hence the brevity and focus on the teams as opposed to my usual nonsensical, stream of conscious ramblings. It might be a false alarm but you never know.