So there's a few NL themed chicks for ya, now let's get down to brass tacks. This will be a different style of review than my previous season's diatribes and woeful predictions (last season I predicted Iowa with a 72-90 record, they went 97-65. Did I mention I've not a WS title to my username? I've always thought higher ratings were better, but am slowly learning that's not always the case). I'm just going to give a rambling essay, full of factual, logical, grammatical and spellingal errors, for your mild annoyance...er...pleasure. I'll throw in a picture of a chick now and then. I'll go by division, so that puts the NL North at bat.
Was I wrong about the Iowa Iowa City Corn-ish Hens or what? Fuck me, where did that division title come from? An amazing 31 win improvement from season 16. Nice work hshack. Gotta say, this world has had some mighty impressive team turnarounds. So how'd they do it? I dunno, not the greatest splits amongst the pitching staff. No big power threat in the line-up, and not exactly the most prodigious set of gloves in the field. They'll go 150-12. Next up the former powerhouse Helena Homies and the fading Dizzy Allen. The Homies should be giving Iowa more of a challenge for the division title, though i don't for see a return to the 100 win plateau of seasons previous. Stuart Taylor is the big man in Montana, but not a lot of sluggers after him. mostly a contact type line-up. Allen is fading but not quite incontinent, nor completely useless with the bat. Pitching appears to be the team's strength, at least in terms of splits. control is good, but not great, and there's not a lot of fielding depth. So those are the NL North's two contenders for the title, next we have the two teams that most definitely won't challenge for the crown. battling hard for the first pick in the Season 19 amateur draft will be the Cincinnati Red Thumpers and the New Britain Rock Cats. One team is safe from the 40/60 rule, the other is in serious danger. The new Britain franchise has lost 517 games the past five seasons and only seems to be getting worse. Pitching is simply awful. The line-up is much stronger versus lefties, but isn't as horrid as the hurler collective. Will finish close to the bottom in team fielding. If there's a bigger lock for the first pick next season, I will slit my fucking wrists in sorrow. Cincy caused a bit of a ruckus last season. Hopefully those issues are a thing of the past. Still, no hope of the post season for the Thumpers, Not much pitching and the offense seems to be where BPF stars go to die. See Aaron Spahn and Flash Bass. Ashes to ashes and crap to crap.
Predicted finishes:
Helena
Iowa city
Cincy
New Britain
Ok, let's take a tour of the NL East. They say chicks dig the long ball but I've never fucked a chick that expressed sexual interest in home runs, so I think that might fall under hyperbole. Too bad because the Boston Massacre could get some fantasy poontang with the power in it's line up. $112 million payroll may not be enough to reach the playoffs, but will make the price per win very inner-restin, as you Americans pronounce it. Let's welcome olemiss3 and his Rochester Rebels. I'm assuming olemiss attended OleMiss. Anyhoo, I'd be soo-prised to see Rochester win the division, but the East is, arguably says the South, the NL's tightest division, so anything is possible. That's the best thing about the NL, it's really competitive and almost every team has a playoff shot. The Rebels are good, but not great, squad. Next, let's all look at St. Louis Oxbows. Holy fuck, a $130 mil payroll! This team better win the division and make the playoffs. Almost every player makes a million plus. Good batting line-up, decent pitching, and a not horrid defense should net 90 wins, but what do I know? Lots actually. I'm pretty good at Jeopardy. Last up, the Baltimore Terrapins. Wow, does Bip Bigbie suck. Bawlmer should see further improvement. Best defense I've seen in the NL, so far. No uberstuds but solid line-up, strong against southpaws. Pitching is over-powering velocity-wise, but ain't much to write home about aside from bullpen hero Jerry Perez.
St Lou
Bawlmer
Rochester
Boston
That's it for now, I'll leave you hanging with Bar Rafaeli
Ok, I'm back to do the NL South. Jacksonville Jimmies are up first. It appears bnags went to school on the old mira model. $16 mil payroll with loads of young talent. Didn't even take several seasons of 100+ losses to get to this point, not a bad job o' GMing there 'nags. The centrepiece of the team is uber talented firstbagger Malik Nathan, a sexy, sexy hitter. Solid, not fantastic D backs up a pretty good assemblage of hurlers. Though there's one guy with serious control issues. Also a speedy team. Could be one of the NL's best teams. I'm looking at Atlanta Bullochs, and I spy a SS by the name of Delmon Patterson and i see maybe the best defensive shortie in BPF. I look at his hitting ratings and i think, not so great, wonder how he stacks against my guy Heinie Cormier. In 250 or so more at-bats, Patterson has a slightly higher batting average, and very close in OBP. Doesn't have the power, but does his defence make him a more valuable player than Cormier? That's my bitch about Cormier out of the way (off to a hot start yet again, that's right .200). Seriously though what the fuck is Bulloch and why won't bluegray respond to joepat? No superstars but a big power line-up, and solid pitching. Will be in the playoff mix for sure, and in the Anything Is Possible NL, could win the division out right. New Orleans Posse is owned by dennisdee. dennis has been with us since season 5. I don't ever recall a post from him on the chatboard. Very quiet man. They often the say the quietest guy in the room is usually the smartest. But his silence hasn't translated to much success.A perennial .500 team, should see somewhere in that area again, this season. Some good pitching, but a very middle of the road team. But, again, this is the wild and world Senior Circuit, this team could win a 100 games. They won't, but they could. Let's just say the Jackson Generals can hit. They can really hit, and hit it hard. they can pitch too. What they won't do is get to many balls, and the ones they get to, they will promptly drop them. Must be testing a theory on HBD and fielding, will be interesting to watch. When David Canseco is, by far, your best glove man, you may have an issue. They might be best just putting empty gloves at every position, and save their energy for hitting, this is a team of DHs.
Jacksonville
Atlanta
Jackson
N'awlins
Tomorrow, I'll finish. In the meantime: Chicks!
OK, finally the NL West. Colorado Swingers are off to a purty good start after a forgettable Season 17. Worried about the pitching in the thin air of fantasy Denver, but the fielders boast some serious range. Offense is strong, and will be amplified at home, but so will the visiting line-up. At least the pitchers are more ground ball types. Hey look! It's the Albuquerque Sandias, otherwise known as the Buck Cainaanites. I got a question, what in unholy fuck are Eugenio Arias, and Enrique Cornejo doing on a ML roster. If the Sandias win a playoff series with those two on the roster and my Coastals never made a World Series, I'm going full sniper from the highest point in Halifax. Albakerky has the best defense in the NL that I've seen so far, solid offense, with the best hitter in BPF, but some questionable ML arms. Innings eaters I guess, but yeeesh, that's some crap. The Boise Freedom Fries need a shortstop to replace the empty Doritos Cool Ranch bag currently tending the position. No, seriously. Vin Arias is the pitching staff stud, but beyond him this is a wholly unremarkable team. Will compete every night, in this NL though. And the last team for me to totally misread is the Anaheim River Rats and their speed based brand of small ball. Again a non-remarkable team aside from the fleet footed line-up. Decent defense, hitting and pitching, but I don't think enough of any of the three to challenge for a wildcard spot. The NL West is totally up for grabs but here's my prediction for year end standings:
Albakerky
Anaheim
Boise
Colorado
So that's my travesty of a season preview over. I don't proff read i just type and go so if there are (if?!) mistakes, fuck you, deal with it. And now, in the spirit of summer, assorted chicks on boats!
