BPF All-Timey Rotation:The Fab 5

Having examined teams thoroughly for umpteen seasons now, I can confidently claim that this world has been a pitchers world. There are three who stand above all others but the fourth and fifth spots can be made claim to by many excellent candidates. The criteria I'm using are stats, awards, bias, and opinion. Because I have recently been declared "The Worlds Pre-Eminent Thinker", again, my opinion, is in fact, unassailable, so learn to live with it.

Starter One:

Curtis McMillon Vancouver Coastals Age: 28 B/T: S/L Born: Tioga Center, NY Position(s): P (SP1) View Hardball Dynasty Profile

The Heat, as he's known in Vancouver, in only four and nearly a half seasons has already established the highest winning percentage in BPF history. One of the rarest creatures in HBD, McMillon has more strikeouts than innings pitched over his career. Relying on a biting, 95+MPH four seamer, and a ridiculously effective palmball (whatever the fuck that is, haven't heard that term since the 80s) has two Cy Youngs and a Rookie Of The Year, McMillon is on his way to the most storied career thus far in BPF history. Even though his post season career has been very opposite of his regular seasons, he's still my choice to start game one of the WS. Only thing holding him back from pitching to his potential is the fact he's on my team and I'm a lousy GM.

Starter Two:

Jumbo Long Albuquerque Sandias Age: 33 B/T: R/R Born: Central City, NE Position(s): P (SP1) View Hardball Dynasty Profile

This world's most celebrated pitcher with four Cy Young and constant All-Star apprearances. Not overpowering by any stretch Long dominates with accuracy and touch, and a buckling slider that's just a notch slower than his fastball. A sub 3.00 ERA in over 2400 innings is a massive achievement. Long has also demonstrated a longevity of excellence, being a season 1 original. Jumbo is still bitter over the ridicule he took for his name, while a member of the Faggots.

Starter Three

Chris Matthews Honolulu Harpoon Age: 38 B/T: R/R Born: Edmond, OK Position(s): P (SP3) View Hardball Dynasty Profile

I'll leave the obvious name associations aside. Damn fine pitcher who's made a fucking mint (207 mil!) in his career in BPF. One Cy Young and World Series ring, several All-Star games, his own political talk show on MSNBC (oops). Record the past few seasons hasn't been as shiny as early in his career and his skills are sliding but still effective and owner of a fine legacy. Considering a run for the Senate (oops).

Starter Four

Dummy Wayne Chicago Black Holes Age: 31 B/T: L/L Born: Surrey, BC Position(s): P (SP1) View Hardball Dynasty Profile

This idiot has carved himself a great career despite a marginal IQ. Possessing a 98MPH fastball and just effectively wild, did as stupid does, but still managed to induce goundouts and swinging strike threes, season after season. Getting up there but has won back to back rings and is shooting for three straight with Chicago. So you know how life is like a box of chocolates and you never know what you're going to get? Yeah well most boxes come with a fucking guide. It's pretty easy to figure out which is which, moron. Never noticed he's from Surrey BC before. Used to be Vancouver's asshole much like I said about Tacoma, a place so nice they put the airport there.

Starter Number Five (say it like Lou Bega would)

Geraldo Cordero Burlington Coat Factories Age: 30 B/T: L/L Born: Laguna Verde, DO Position(s): P (SP2) View Hardball Dynasty Profile

There was fierce competition for this spot, at least a dozen valid candidates, but when you look at consistency and body of work, it becomes clear. Cordero relies on a hard fastball, curveball combo with a couple other pitches thrown to keep hitters off balance. Never saw Brooke Shield's 13 yr old tits when she was next door to his hometown (that might go over some heads, but trust me, it's brilliant). His first season in Syracuse is made more amazing with the knowledge Cordero compiled a 2.69 ERA despite the Keystone Cops antics behind him.

And now Brooke Shields in Blue Lagoon:

All time All BPF team.

Should have done this last season, but better late than never. With 10 seasons having passed it's time to look at which players have been the best by position so far. So I imagined convenening an esteemed panel of pretend baseball experts, insiders, and the liberal sports media to come up with this team. I'll start first with the catchers position. This one's pretty easy:

Julius Neal Jacksonville Jimmies Age: 28 B/T: R/R Born: Brooklyn, NY Position(s): C View Hardball Dynasty Profile

bnags stole Neal from Portland (now Salem) in season 5 in probably the worst trade in BPF history (shame on us for not catching that one). Seriously, Neal for Yuniesky Maranon, Bryan Anderson, and Albert Simon, fucking awful. A World Series ring, several Silver Sluggers, All-Star appearances, and a Gold Glove later and you have one of the most bestest players in BPF. Though not blessed with the strongest arm, he's a more than capable pitch caller, and a sick bat. Honorable mention goes to Geronimo Cruz. When reached for a comment Neal simply stated in a thick Brooklyn accent, "Go fuck yourself".

At first base the choice was easy:

Albert Cairo Albuquerque Sandias Age: 32 B/T: R/R Born: Bani, DO Position(s): 1B/OF/DH View Hardball Dynasty Profile

The most decorated player in BPF history has been aided by playing in some hitter friendly park's and some dubious early seasons pitching. But his achievements can't be denied. A stunning combination of power and speed, and a very competent glove man at first. 5 MVPs, 2 Gold Gloves, a slew of All-Star games and a championship on his sparkling resume. All time BPF leader in runs, homers, RBIs, and stolen bases. Unbelievably has never learned english except to say "baseball has been bery, bery good to me".

Our second bagger is:

Delino Hall Chicago Black Holes Age: 31 B/T: S/R Born: Menominee, MI Position(s): 2B/CIF/OF/DH View Hardball Dynasty Profile

Though still surrounded by the controversy involving several underage Thai boy prostitutes and a long standing addiction to opium and opium derivatives, Hall has forged himself a sexy career. Though he spent a couple seasons in RF recently, Hall has two MVPs and four Silver Sluggers at second. He's also a two-time consecutive World Series champeen, and has a good shot at three in a row with Chicago this season. We asked his teamates ofr a comment, and it was almost universal: "sick asshole, but a great player". Aspires to be a baby sitter specializing in pre-pubescent boys when his career winds up.

The best shortstop we've seen so far is a much harder call. The panel wanted the defensive importance of the postion to be of greater signifigance than the bat. We haven't seen a SS win an MVP, there have been a few big hitters with lacking glove work, who also spent significant time at other positions, which the panel concluded was not enough to qualify. So believe it or not here is the ALL-Time BPF shortstop:

Tony Tejada none none Age: 37 B/T: R/R Born: Las Matas Cotui, DO Position(s): RF/CIF/2B/LF View Hardball Dynasty Profile

I know, I know, but I think he's the only SS to win both a Gold Glove (4) and a Silver Slugger (2), as well as making the All-Star team in his first five seasons. Both Aaron Spahn and Pedro Aguilera have won Silver Sluggers at the position but neither are true shortstops. Anyways Tejada was a rocket armed hoover in the early days who went largely unnoticed except by the awards commitee. Here you go Tony, congrats.

Third base gives us a lot of candidates and maybe some controversy. Or maybe not. There hasn't been a player who, over the course of this world's history, been there season in season out. We've seen many player have a good stretch here and there and there have been some familiar names appear over time such as Flores in vancouver and Rader, whereever the hell he is. Aguilera has spent some time there and won awards but in the end the nod goes to :

Aaron Spahn St. Louis Oxbows Age: 30 B/T: R/R Born: Florence, CO Position(s): RF/IF/OF/DH View Hardball Dynasty Profile

He's spent quite a bit of time as an over reaching shortstop, but his true spot is at the Hot Corner where he's won both the Gold Glove and Silver Slugger. This world's only openly gay player it's his career goal to one day play in KC. Spahn won a ring in his first season, which spoiled him as he thought it would be easy to win more as easy as it is to get an anonymous blow job in the showers at whatever Y he was at. Wrong.

Let's move to the outfield. we'll start in center. It came down to Flash Bass and the eventual winner of this phony popularity contest

Lance Morris Vancouver Coastals Age: 28 B/T: R/R Born: Spencerville, OH Position(s): 2B/CIF/OF/DH View Hardball Dynasty Profile

Though recently moved to secondbase, Morris's achievements in center can't be denied. He's won every AL CF Silver Slugger since his rookie season (which also had him win Rookie of The Year). Power and speed, with very good range. In off-field news it was recently discovered he has sent cell phone pictures of his dick to a former Jets employee...er, wait...that's Brett Favre. dick isn't that impressive, wouldn't even tempt Spahn.

In left the Star Chamber decided upon:

Alexander Starr Hartford Insurance Men Age: 36 B/T: L/R Born: Columbus, OH Position(s): 2B/1B/LF/DH View Hardball Dynasty Profile

Pretty weak pool of candidates, many candidates from the first few seasons, Starr is the only one with longevity at the position and has won both Silver Sluggers and Gold Gloves at the position. Really boring guy, collects empty toilet rolls as a hobby and has been known to chew cud.

In rightfield it was settled upon:

Dizzy Allen Milwaukee Ueckers Age: 29 B/T: L/L Born: Danbury, TX Position(s): RF/1B/LF/DH View Hardball Dynasty Profile

Couldn't catch a cold in the field, but at the plate the guy is bonkers. Three time MVP still in his peak years and winning championships. In the early days of BPF Rob Dickerson was The Man in right but his legacy has been clocked by Allen, whose trophy mantle keeps filling up. Shockingly admitted that as a teenage promise keeper who hasn't met "the One" he's still a virgin.

The panel decided to pass on the DH as it's not applicable to both leagues. The panel reconvenes tommorrow for the All-time BPF Four Man Rotation and maybe closer.

AL North

Honolulu Harpoon
Vancouver's li'l division buddy has seen some changes. The offence doesn't feature a great deal of high ratings and boasts little star power. Chris Matthews and Walt Wilkins make a lovely 1-2, but beyond that it's just a little above average. Pretty solid up the middle, so hit to the corners.
Defence: B-
Offence: C+
Pitching: B-
Prediction: 86-76
Googled Honolulu Girl Shot:


Tacoma Car Prowlers
I look at this team and I see a pretty good squad. I said that last year but I was surprised by it's 77-85 record. A nice line-up with some, but not alot, of power. Some nice elite bats. The pitching is high solid, sub-spectacular. The starting rotation might have control struggles but the bullpen looks nice. Pretty solid defensively, which will help the starters. I'm starting to get a headache from staring at this computer screen for the past seven hours.
Defence: B
Offence: B-
Pitching: C+
Prediction: 88-74
Googled Tacoma Girl Shot:


Scottsdale Storm
Poor Morgan Brow and Donaldo Escobar. These shining jewels twinkle amidst alot of shit. Looks to be another season of next season draft anticipation. I really don't see much else to say. Non-stunning defenders, I dunno. Harsh words? Go tell Hersh Ward.
Defence: C-
Offence: C-
Pitching: C-
Prediction: 59-103
Googled Scottsdale Girl Shot:


Vancouver Coastals
Three words: No safety net. Or it could be: No margin for error. How about: another playoff failure. Or: goddamn fucking sonofabitch. NJ says you get passed if you stand still. Vancouver stood still, actually took a step back. On paper still looks like the class of the AL, but I already said something about paper a few teams back. Franchise boasts all reigning MVP major awards winners, definitely not in the running for an ROY this season. One injury to either the offense or pitching and this season is shot.
Defense: B
Offense: A-
Pitching: A-
Prediction: 104-58
Googled Vancouver Girl Shot:

AL Dirtier South

The Dirty South is actually one of my most popular breakfast items. It consists of two fried eggs brushed with BBQ sauce, on corn cakes, with pulled pork rib, succotash, and fried onions. No wonder my cafe constant line-ups.

Back to y'all

Houston Colt45s
A cautionary tale. After 10 seasons of devoted ownership, kemosabe waited for credits to re-up. Unfortunately a family emergency popped up and for a critical three days kemo rightly focused his concerns elsewhere, but subsequently lost his team. Folks, if you can re-up before roll, if you are going to wait, let me know so I can be aware and will hold your team. Anyhoo...
...We now see the franchise moved from Texas progressive bastion and capitol Austin to drill 'em and fuck 'em Houston. Will see if this carries over to a return to winning in the Republic. Geraldo Saenz and Terry Green are the stars of the team, but there's not a lot of of top flight talent behind them. Not push overs, but seem doubtful for a playoff spot, though I haven't looked at the other teams in the division yet, so maybe this is best team. In terms of pitching, control and effectiveness versus lefties are concerns.
Defence: B-
Offence: C+
Pitching: C
Prediction: 77-85
Googled Houston Girl Shot:


Richmond Informers
Last seasons division winner will face a challenge from Kansas city, but in this division any thing is possible, there's not much separation in talent level. Solid, but not knee shaking in any aspect, this team will grind out wins, but won't blow other squads away. No major Award type players. there's really not much to say here, but at least ownership has brought some measure of respectability to this franchise.
Defence: C+
Offence: C+
Pitching: C+
Prediction: 81-81
Googled Richmond Girl Shot (dubious Richmond connection):


Tampa Bay rays (sic)
A once proud and mighty franchise has been reduced to a drunken bum, sitting in his own filth under an overpass somewhere. Well, maybe that's harsh. Actually it's similar to the very early editions of the ol' timey and actual Devil Rays, that is to say, awful. There is some serviceable talent that won't just rollover but any grounder will roll between the infielders legs and the outfielders are going to lose lots of pop flys to the sun. Get ready for errors, lots and lots of errors. Ol' timey vintage Bad News Bears before Tatum O'Neill type defence.
Defence: D
Offence: C
Pitching: C
Prediction:59-103
Googled Tampa bay Girl Shot:


Kansas City Faggots
Hey-heyyy sailors! OK well, it's clear we have the division winner. this team is erect with good wood handlers. These guys know how to hold a shaft and swing at the ball. They like 'em high and inside, low and away, whatever, just keep those balls cumming...er...coming. the pitchers know how to grip a ball as well, how to hide that ball, and how to put that ball just where they want it. the defenders have some soft hands, and have just enough snap on those wrists. The tightest uniforms in the world will see plenty of plays made from the knees. One thing that might haunt this team is that the players who chew tobacco, might wind up getting sick because they always swallow. Anyhoo, gay times for Kansas City as the AL prepares to take it up the ass.
Defence: B-
Offence: B
Pitching: B
Prediction: 98-64
Googled Kansas City Gay Shot:

AL Least, errr...East

Chicago Black Holes
Sweet, Crispy Jesus! Um, wow, there's a new sheriff in town in the AL East. This team scares the living shit out of me. The pitching isn't as strong down the line, as Milwaukee and Vancouver on paper but that's on paper and we all know paper's only good for beer labels, rolling papers and porn mags. Boasting top end talent and depth, Chicago cemented it's contender status with the acquisitions of Wayne and Hall from Milwaukee. Fear being sucked into the Black Holes gravity of awesomeness. I do.
Defense: B+
Offense: A
Pitching: A-
Prediction: 104-58
Googled Chicago Girl Shot:


New York Yankees
Any team with Geronimo Cruz, Nate Laroche, Carlos Diaz, and Ray Post is a dangerous team, but talent level drops off after that. A fading legend in De La Vega, and not much depth in the line-up could see the Yanks miss the playoff for the second straight season. 10 ML pitchers won't help much either. Too bad that it's rebuild time but the payroll is a scouting killing 104 mil. A hearty Nelson Muntz "HaHa".
Defence: B+
Offence: C+
Pitching: Incomplete
Prediction: 86-76
Googled New York Girl Shot:


Trenton Enforcers
I can't wait to google "Hot Chicks+Trenton" see what results I get. Deeeeep in higher (70+) overall guys but still a touch short on the ratings that matter. Still, this team will make for some miserable series for the opposition occaisionally. The only true superstar is Tex Lombardi. After that it's a Cecil B. Demille-like cast of thousands. If some depth could be parlayed into a couple studs this team would be much scarier. Really lacking pop in the line-up.
Defence: C+
Offence: C+
Pitching: C+
Prediction: 78-84
Googled Trenton Girl Shot:


Burlington Coat Factories
Farewell domi. May a clue come upon thee. Well, well, jonboy I see you've tasted playoff success I can only wet dream of. Fuck you. With a very strong rotation pitching half the season in Burlington, the most extreme pitcher's park in HBF, this squad will finish in the top 3 in AL pitching. No real offensive superman but a line-up capable of putting up some numbers some nights. Domi never gave a crap about preventing wins behind the pitcher so defense is a sore spot. I'm sure in a couple years ownership will be taking this team to dizzying heights.
Defence: C
Offense: B-
Pitching: B
Prediction: 84-78
Googled Burlington Girl Shot:

Just kidding

AL North:

Milwaukee Ueckers
The reigning WS Champ saw some major shaking up this off season. Of course with an FG owned team we’ve seen a barrage of trades, acquiring Jon Drew, and Edgar Frias (sonofabitch, motherfucker). On the outs, the Uecks bid adieu (that’s ‘good-bye’ in French, for you Americans) to Delino Hall, Kane Knotts, and Dummy Wayne. Most teams would be devastated losing that talent but noooooo. Throw in Hideo Suh(Who I hope will bring his legacy of playoff failure to Milwaukee) as the major FA signing and you have a formidable squad. A lock to win the division and one of the two playoff byes. Great top end defence, pitching, and hitting. And the system is loaded with prospects. I might soon have a new target for my “fuck you”s. Move over devonjain, there’s a new success-based cocksucker in this world. So enjoy polishing your trophy FG, hope you have room on the mantle for another.
Defence: B+
Offence: A-
Pitching: A
Prediction: 106-56 (1st in division)
Googled Milwaukee Girl Shot:



Montreal Maroons
I was looking at this team’s system at the end of Season 7, and I was thinking “Damn, in another season this team will be huge”. Instead we have seen a backwards slide, but hey at least the payroll is minisculey low. You’d think having zillions in prospect and amateur scouting season after season would mean a loaded system, but you’d be wrong. I can’t help but think of a Hamster in a wheel. Still, it makes things interesting, some of the seasons biggest deals will involve Montreal, although with my system devoid of prospects, I’ll personally be hitting the reject button a lot less. I’d like to see what I could with 6-7 seasons of the same budgeting. Both hitters and pitchers will be stronger against lefties, which is slightly unfortunate due to majority of players being righties. Young team with some high end talent, should be improved over last season, could (could) challenge for a wildcard spot.
Defence: A
Offence: B-
Pitching: B-
Prediction: 87-75
Googled Montreal Girl Shot:


Seattle Nirvana
Looks to be another long season on the Rain Coast. Season after punishing season of inept ownership by drew left the cupboards with naught but dust and mouse turds. Patterba looks to be sticking around to haul this shipwreck back to the surface and get it floating again. But it won’t happen this season. No trades so far, but who’s attractive? One minor FA signing. Season 12, will be picking in the top five.
Defence: A
Offence: C
Pitching: C
Prediction: 62-100
Googled Seattle Girl Shot:


Detroit Drive
Sigh. Mirroring the Lions this perennial Also Ran hopes for something, anything. Management needs to identify where to start, and take the path to reward. It’s not to late to begin. The effort is there, but this team still needs help at all levels. Remember that spider/guy at the end of the original Fly, this team is that guy.
Defence: D+
Offence: C-
Pitching: C-
Prediction: 59-103
Googled Detroit Girl Shot:

The Mother Fucking NL West S11 Preview

Arguably the best division in all of HBD, only 3 games separated first and fourth place last season.  12 playoff appearances, with 1 WS win and another WS appearance in ten seasons.  OK, maybe we suck. 

Not a single playoff appearance in ten seasons, Colorado loves playing .500 ball.  After two really bad seasons to start the franchise, new management came in and brought the squad up to some decent standards.  Lots of second and third place finishes in the division during the next eight seasons, but.....no playoffs.  This offseason saw them trade away a setup guy for a catcher, but that was about it for movement.  Washington and McCormick are still good.  Bringing in Mo Nathan was a good move.  And slowly but surely, management has brought in a pitching staff that won't get shelled in Colroado.  Is it good enough to finally get them a playoff spot in this tough division?
Batting - B
Pitching - B
Fielding - B+
Prediction - 80 wins, 3rd in division

After winning the division during four of the first five seasons, Albuquerque has only made the playoffs twice in the last five seasons.  On paper, guys like Cain, Alarcon, Cairo, Jumbo and Rico look great.  But can they finally get this team a first round win?  It's painful how bad these guys have been in the playoffs during their history.  Losing Spahn and James to free agency does not help matters, but signing Mesa and Miles might even it out. 
Batting - B+
Pitching - B
Fielding - C
Prediction - 88 wins, 2nd in division

Always a favorite to move deep into the playoffs, the Ownage moved to Salem this year, a city where I won a WS in another world.  Other than losing their closer to FA, and trading away a 1B for a defensive specialist, Salem was very quiet during the offseason.  They don't seem quite as scary on paper as they were a season or two ago, but they still have plenty of depth, with Ramirez, Singleton, Collins, etc.  The hitting is there.  The pitching is still top notch.  They've improved defensively.  Do they get back to the WS this year?
Batting - B
Pitching - A
Fielding - B+
Prediction - 90 wins, 1st in division

Las Vegas got 84 wins in S9 and finished 2nd in the division.  In S10 they got the same number of wins, but finished 4th in the division.  Goodness.  Floating the largest budget in franchise history, the Bandits are clearly not content with 4th place.  Aguilera and Canseco are studs, and management brought in Brooks, Hong and Parrish to help out this year, while feeling confident enough in the current roster to trade away Green for three prospects.  Hopefully that last move doesn't blow up in their face this season.
Batting - B
Pitching - B-
Fielding - B-
Prediction - 78 wins, 4th in division

NL Dirty South S11

With 14 playoff appearances, 3 WS wins, and another appearance in a WS, this is one of the more successful divisions in BPF.  And with two owners who have been here since the start, it is one of the most consistent as well.

New Orleans won 83 games last season, the most in franchise history, as they also garnered their first division title.  Should we get excited about this?  Maybe.  Management seems focused on improving even more this year, as they traded away a young prospect for some more ML talent, and last year's players are yet another year more mature.  The roster is a pretty even mix of young guns and older veterans.  Picking up Yearwood was smart.  Signing Hendricksen was....interesting.  If there's a flaw here, it'll be in the pitching staff.
Batting - B
Pitching - C
Fielding - B
Prediction - 78 wins, 3rd in the division

After finishing below .500 for the first time in franchise history, Jackson's GM was found by police in the pool behind his mansion, drunk and high on bourbon and cocaine, firing his shotgun at various awards and trophies that his butler threw into the air.  "I used to be the king," he shouted as police put cuffs on him and hauled him away.  There was a seven year stretch where the franchise made the playoffs six times, including five division titles.  But after missing the playoffs in S9, and the embarassing S10 results, management clearly wants to make one more run before blowing up the entire system and starting from scratch.  Signing free agents like Diaz, Chavez, Stahl, and Gorecki, the team's payroll is nearly $100M again.  It looks like they have the horses, it's just a matter of their owner not putting them down with his shotgun if they stumble.
Batting - B
Pitching - B-
Fielding - C-
Prediction - 82 wins, second in the division

El Paso had one of the best turnarounds in world history last year, as they improved 20 games from S9 to S10.  But considering the S9 record was the worst in franchise history, we can't help but wonder if the record was more a reflection of the new ownership that season than the quality of the team.  Either way, they got their shit together last year, finishing second in the division.  This offseason, they went out and made a huge signing with Delino Ryan, while also bringing in Travis Shea's big bat.  The offense is certainly there, with a half dozen guys who are capable of 40 HR's.  Pitching is the big question mark, like it is for so many other teams.
Batting - B+
Pitching - C+
Fielding - B
Prediction - 85 wins, first in the division

After a hiccup in S3, Jacksonville played .500+ ball for six seasons, before S10's 77 wins ended that streak.  What was management's response to this issue?  Standing pat.  The roster is very similar to last year, with Neal and White and Valenzuela leading the way.  I'm generally a fan of the idea that teams who stand still will get passed, but in this case, I think last season might have been a one-time deal. 
Batting - B
Pitching - B
Fielding - C
Prediction - 75 wins, 4th in the division

NL Easy East S11 Preview

15 playoff appearances between the four teams, including 1 World Series win, with Durham 'tarding up the entire division by never making the playoffs.  I asked my dog what he thought of the NL East, and he promptly walked onto our porch and took a shit.  It was very runny.

Hartford is the sole WS winner in this division, but I kind of want to throw out that WS.  Don't ask why.  You know why.  Anyway, the Insurance Men have been very average since that WS.  How average?  Vector's record is 571-563 during his time here.  The staples are still here.  Arias, Lee, and Pizzaro have all basically played their entire ML careers in Hartford, a consistency that is really lacking in this game.  A small FA move and zero trades during the spring, means Hartford is going to battle with roughly the same team as last year, which won 77 games for the second consecutive season.
Batting - B+
Pitching - C
Fielding - C
Prediction - 80 wins, 2nd in the division

St Louis, lots of consistency the last four or five years, culminating with a division win last season.  A huge payroll this year due to some heavy FA signings, these guys are trying to make a real run at the WS here in S11. Spahn and James are costing the team nearly $30M this year, but any time you can add two HoF'ers in their prime, don't you have to?  Throw in guys like Bryant, Griffith, McGlinchy, and Morton, this team looks very serious.  80+ wins each of the last four years, they should easily hit the 90 win mark this year.
Batting - B+
Pitching - B+
Fielding - A
Prediction - 95 wins, 1st in the division

Historically, Durham has been the worst team in this division.  Four 100+ loss seasons in the last six years, with S1 being the only time the team finished at .500 or better, the fans in Durham have had nothing to be excited about.  Until now.  Six guys are under the age of 25, and they'll all be starters this year.  Are they going to win the WS this year?  Nope.  Are they going to make the playoffs this year?  Probably not.  Will they play .500 ball this year?  Maybe.  But will this be the start of a constant improvement over the next five seasons or more?  Hells yeah.  There are even more young studs in the minors, who will come up as the older guys finish their contracts.
Batting - B
Pitching - C-
Fielding - C
Prediction - 75 wins, 3rd in the division

Dirty Baltimore.  I'm curious to see what Mr Gargle does here.  $100M set aside for salaries, but only $62M spent so far.  That's a lot of cash sitting in the bank account.  Is Baltimore in official rebuild mode?  Will we see $30M get moved into the prospect pool?  After winning the division seven years in a row, with two WS appearances in that time, last year they finished 4th in the division, with the worst win total in franchise history.  Three type B free agents were brought in, while they traded away Cammack and his $6.75M contract for a prospect.  Yup, rebuild mode.
Batting - C
Pitching - B-
Fielding - B
Prediction - 65 wins, 4th in the division

NL North S11 Preview

It's a new decade.  Will it be a good decade in the NL North, a division that combined to make the playoffs 17 times in the first 10 seasons, with one World Series appearance during that time?  Let's start with S11, before we think about the entire upcoming decade.

Buffalo Wooden Nickle.  I've been meaning to ask for a while now.  Should that be Nickel?  I don't get it.  89-76 last year, they made the playoffs as a wild card, and made it to the NLCS before getting stopped there.  Not too shabby, but it's not good enough for management, as they went out and spent a shit ton of cash on some free agents.  That should immediately makes them a contender for the World Series, but I feel like they're still lacking in certain areas.
Batting - C+
Pitching - B
Fielding - C+
Prediction - 85 wins, 3rd in the division

Iowa City Cornish Hens.  Only two sub .500 seasons in the first 10, culminating with a WS appearance last year.  They're not very flashy either, with very few high overall ratings, but they are very deep, with many guys in the 70's.  They made one small free agent signing during the spring, with no trades during that time, so they have more or less the same team as S10.  Is that enough to carry them further this year?
Batting - B
Pitching - B+
Fielding - B-
Prediction - 90 wins, 2nd in the division

Cincinnati Red Thumpers - My spell check tells me that Thumpers is not a word.  Interesting.  After some truly horrible seasons, the RT's are starting to benefit from those draft picks, as they made the playoffs three of the last five seasons, and are spending less than $60M on players this year.  Collins and Bass really came into their own the last season or two, and the team only has four guys who are 30 or older.  With everything coming together, can they win their division for the first time in a number of years?
Batting - B+
Pitching - B+
Fielding - B+
Prediction - 95 wins, 1st in the division

This division is so boring, and College Game Day is at fucking Boise State, I actually just fell asleep for a few minutes.

Helena Homies - 83 wins last year means they were 7 games out of the division lead, and only 3 games out of the wild card.  It's amazing the cycles this team went through during the first ten years.  pinner actually won 110 games in S2, before the team fell apart in seasons 3 and 4.  Chadtv then tanked the shit out of the team for 4 seasons, only finishing above .400 once during those four years.  andersaa got them back to respectability very quickly, as evidenced by them nearly making the playoffs last season.  I just don't know if they have what it takes to get past all of the dicks in their division.
Batting - B
Pitching - B
Fielding - B
Prediction - 84 wins, 4th in the division