At least a handful of you dicks know that I coach high school rowing. Recently, I applied for a job with a fairly prestigious team in this area. Arguably the most historic team in the country, that kind of prestige. They're not as good as they were maybe a decade ago, and certainly not as good as they were 20 or 30 years ago, but they're still pretty good. Also interviewing were two of the assistant coaches from last year. We will call the chick MK, and the dude AZ. Both had two seasons of coaching experience. MK coached the second boat last year to a national championship. Think of the second boat as the JV team. So it would be like your JV volleyball team winning the state championship for their level, if such a thing exists. AZ won the state championship with his third level boat. If there was something between the freshman and JV level, that would be it. Think, retarded JV. That is the complete resume for each of them.
I've been coaching for six years, pretty much year-round for the last three or four years. I've coached high school, I've coached junior elite, I've coached adults, I've done pretty much everything but the college level. I am at this boathouse pretty much non-stop from March through November. MK and AZ show up in March and then leave when the high school season is over at the end of May. I know my way around a budget, I know how to rig boats, I know how to repair boats, I know all of the administrative shit.....I know what I'm fucking doing, this is not my first rodeo. All three of us interview about a month ago, and they hire me. Yay me.
Almost immediately, there is a backlash from some of the girls on this team, because they all like MK, and they are all impressed with her national championship from last spring. A few girls complain, and they get their parents to complain. Meanwhile, MK has a mentor, who also thinks she should have gotten the job. (Side note, at this point AZ realizes he doesn't know shit about shit, and had no business applying for the job, and is a non-factor. He will not be mentioned anymore.) So her mentor, as far as I can tell, basically has her sit back in a corner while he goes to bat for her. He calls every parent that he knows on the team, and he calls the booster club, and he calls the principal of the school. The athletic director and the principal basically tell all of these folks to go shit in their respective hats. "We've made our decision, parents and students do not get a say in the hiring process." Eventually, someone goes to HR and comes up with a few loopholes. One of the guys who sat on the interview panel knows me. He also knows the other two applicants, but people ignore that point. There was also no female representation on the panel. Who gives a shit? And supposedly they printed out MK's work resume, not her rowing resume. I think they should have stuck with her work resume, because her rowing resume is about two sentences long. So what does HR decide to do? They retract their offer to me for the head coach position, and they are opening it up again.
So now I have quit my old coaching job. I brought in an assistant coach, who also quit her old job. I have to apply all over again for this position, and go through the interview process again. I am not too happy. So what do I do here?
-Do I tell them to fuck off and just quit? This is turning into quite a headache, and the parents are still going to be pissed after I get hired again.
-Do I push through, get hired yet again, and fire MK and her mentor? (He is a very part-time asst coach.)
-Do I push through, get hired again, and demote MK down to the third or fourth level boats? Oh, and fire her mentor? That's pretty much a given at this point.
-Do I push through, get hired again, and let everything stay as it is, so as to keep everyone happy and show that I'm not vindictive and angry?
-Other?
All the World News that's unfit for print.
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Friday, October 22, 2010
BPF All-Timey Rotation:The Fab 5
Having examined teams thoroughly for umpteen seasons now, I can confidently claim that this world has been a pitchers world. There are three who stand above all others but the fourth and fifth spots can be made claim to by many excellent candidates. The criteria I'm using are stats, awards, bias, and opinion. Because I have recently been declared "The Worlds Pre-Eminent Thinker", again, my opinion, is in fact, unassailable, so learn to live with it.
Starter One:
The Heat, as he's known in Vancouver, in only four and nearly a half seasons has already established the highest winning percentage in BPF history. One of the rarest creatures in HBD, McMillon has more strikeouts than innings pitched over his career. Relying on a biting, 95+MPH four seamer, and a ridiculously effective palmball (whatever the fuck that is, haven't heard that term since the 80s) has two Cy Youngs and a Rookie Of The Year, McMillon is on his way to the most storied career thus far in BPF history. Even though his post season career has been very opposite of his regular seasons, he's still my choice to start game one of the WS. Only thing holding him back from pitching to his potential is the fact he's on my team and I'm a lousy GM.
Starter Two:
This world's most celebrated pitcher with four Cy Young and constant All-Star apprearances. Not overpowering by any stretch Long dominates with accuracy and touch, and a buckling slider that's just a notch slower than his fastball. A sub 3.00 ERA in over 2400 innings is a massive achievement. Long has also demonstrated a longevity of excellence, being a season 1 original. Jumbo is still bitter over the ridicule he took for his name, while a member of the Faggots.
Starter Three
I'll leave the obvious name associations aside. Damn fine pitcher who's made a fucking mint (207 mil!) in his career in BPF. One Cy Young and World Series ring, several All-Star games, his own political talk show on MSNBC (oops). Record the past few seasons hasn't been as shiny as early in his career and his skills are sliding but still effective and owner of a fine legacy. Considering a run for the Senate (oops).
Starter Four
This idiot has carved himself a great career despite a marginal IQ. Possessing a 98MPH fastball and just effectively wild, did as stupid does, but still managed to induce goundouts and swinging strike threes, season after season. Getting up there but has won back to back rings and is shooting for three straight with Chicago. So you know how life is like a box of chocolates and you never know what you're going to get? Yeah well most boxes come with a fucking guide. It's pretty easy to figure out which is which, moron. Never noticed he's from Surrey BC before. Used to be Vancouver's asshole much like I said about Tacoma, a place so nice they put the airport there.
Starter Number Five (say it like Lou Bega would)
There was fierce competition for this spot, at least a dozen valid candidates, but when you look at consistency and body of work, it becomes clear. Cordero relies on a hard fastball, curveball combo with a couple other pitches thrown to keep hitters off balance. Never saw Brooke Shield's 13 yr old tits when she was next door to his hometown (that might go over some heads, but trust me, it's brilliant). His first season in Syracuse is made more amazing with the knowledge Cordero compiled a 2.69 ERA despite the Keystone Cops antics behind him.
And now Brooke Shields in Blue Lagoon:
Starter One:
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The Heat, as he's known in Vancouver, in only four and nearly a half seasons has already established the highest winning percentage in BPF history. One of the rarest creatures in HBD, McMillon has more strikeouts than innings pitched over his career. Relying on a biting, 95+MPH four seamer, and a ridiculously effective palmball (whatever the fuck that is, haven't heard that term since the 80s) has two Cy Youngs and a Rookie Of The Year, McMillon is on his way to the most storied career thus far in BPF history. Even though his post season career has been very opposite of his regular seasons, he's still my choice to start game one of the WS. Only thing holding him back from pitching to his potential is the fact he's on my team and I'm a lousy GM.
Starter Two:
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This world's most celebrated pitcher with four Cy Young and constant All-Star apprearances. Not overpowering by any stretch Long dominates with accuracy and touch, and a buckling slider that's just a notch slower than his fastball. A sub 3.00 ERA in over 2400 innings is a massive achievement. Long has also demonstrated a longevity of excellence, being a season 1 original. Jumbo is still bitter over the ridicule he took for his name, while a member of the Faggots.
Starter Three
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I'll leave the obvious name associations aside. Damn fine pitcher who's made a fucking mint (207 mil!) in his career in BPF. One Cy Young and World Series ring, several All-Star games, his own political talk show on MSNBC (oops). Record the past few seasons hasn't been as shiny as early in his career and his skills are sliding but still effective and owner of a fine legacy. Considering a run for the Senate (oops).
Starter Four
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This idiot has carved himself a great career despite a marginal IQ. Possessing a 98MPH fastball and just effectively wild, did as stupid does, but still managed to induce goundouts and swinging strike threes, season after season. Getting up there but has won back to back rings and is shooting for three straight with Chicago. So you know how life is like a box of chocolates and you never know what you're going to get? Yeah well most boxes come with a fucking guide. It's pretty easy to figure out which is which, moron. Never noticed he's from Surrey BC before. Used to be Vancouver's asshole much like I said about Tacoma, a place so nice they put the airport there.
Starter Number Five (say it like Lou Bega would)
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There was fierce competition for this spot, at least a dozen valid candidates, but when you look at consistency and body of work, it becomes clear. Cordero relies on a hard fastball, curveball combo with a couple other pitches thrown to keep hitters off balance. Never saw Brooke Shield's 13 yr old tits when she was next door to his hometown (that might go over some heads, but trust me, it's brilliant). His first season in Syracuse is made more amazing with the knowledge Cordero compiled a 2.69 ERA despite the Keystone Cops antics behind him.
And now Brooke Shields in Blue Lagoon:
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
All time All BPF team.
Should have done this last season, but better late than never. With 10 seasons having passed it's time to look at which players have been the best by position so far. So I imagined convenening an esteemed panel of pretend baseball experts, insiders, and the liberal sports media to come up with this team. I'll start first with the catchers position. This one's pretty easy:
bnags stole Neal from Portland (now Salem) in season 5 in probably the worst trade in BPF history (shame on us for not catching that one). Seriously, Neal for Yuniesky Maranon, Bryan Anderson, and Albert Simon, fucking awful. A World Series ring, several Silver Sluggers, All-Star appearances, and a Gold Glove later and you have one of the most bestest players in BPF. Though not blessed with the strongest arm, he's a more than capable pitch caller, and a sick bat. Honorable mention goes to Geronimo Cruz. When reached for a comment Neal simply stated in a thick Brooklyn accent, "Go fuck yourself".
At first base the choice was easy:
The most decorated player in BPF history has been aided by playing in some hitter friendly park's and some dubious early seasons pitching. But his achievements can't be denied. A stunning combination of power and speed, and a very competent glove man at first. 5 MVPs, 2 Gold Gloves, a slew of All-Star games and a championship on his sparkling resume. All time BPF leader in runs, homers, RBIs, and stolen bases. Unbelievably has never learned english except to say "baseball has been bery, bery good to me".
Our second bagger is:
Though still surrounded by the controversy involving several underage Thai boy prostitutes and a long standing addiction to opium and opium derivatives, Hall has forged himself a sexy career. Though he spent a couple seasons in RF recently, Hall has two MVPs and four Silver Sluggers at second. He's also a two-time consecutive World Series champeen, and has a good shot at three in a row with Chicago this season. We asked his teamates ofr a comment, and it was almost universal: "sick asshole, but a great player". Aspires to be a baby sitter specializing in pre-pubescent boys when his career winds up.
The best shortstop we've seen so far is a much harder call. The panel wanted the defensive importance of the postion to be of greater signifigance than the bat. We haven't seen a SS win an MVP, there have been a few big hitters with lacking glove work, who also spent significant time at other positions, which the panel concluded was not enough to qualify. So believe it or not here is the ALL-Time BPF shortstop:
I know, I know, but I think he's the only SS to win both a Gold Glove (4) and a Silver Slugger (2), as well as making the All-Star team in his first five seasons. Both Aaron Spahn and Pedro Aguilera have won Silver Sluggers at the position but neither are true shortstops. Anyways Tejada was a rocket armed hoover in the early days who went largely unnoticed except by the awards commitee. Here you go Tony, congrats.
Third base gives us a lot of candidates and maybe some controversy. Or maybe not. There hasn't been a player who, over the course of this world's history, been there season in season out. We've seen many player have a good stretch here and there and there have been some familiar names appear over time such as Flores in vancouver and Rader, whereever the hell he is. Aguilera has spent some time there and won awards but in the end the nod goes to :
He's spent quite a bit of time as an over reaching shortstop, but his true spot is at the Hot Corner where he's won both the Gold Glove and Silver Slugger. This world's only openly gay player it's his career goal to one day play in KC. Spahn won a ring in his first season, which spoiled him as he thought it would be easy to win more as easy as it is to get an anonymous blow job in the showers at whatever Y he was at. Wrong.
Let's move to the outfield. we'll start in center. It came down to Flash Bass and the eventual winner of this phony popularity contest
Though recently moved to secondbase, Morris's achievements in center can't be denied. He's won every AL CF Silver Slugger since his rookie season (which also had him win Rookie of The Year). Power and speed, with very good range. In off-field news it was recently discovered he has sent cell phone pictures of his dick to a former Jets employee...er, wait...that's Brett Favre. dick isn't that impressive, wouldn't even tempt Spahn.
In left the Star Chamber decided upon:
Pretty weak pool of candidates, many candidates from the first few seasons, Starr is the only one with longevity at the position and has won both Silver Sluggers and Gold Gloves at the position. Really boring guy, collects empty toilet rolls as a hobby and has been known to chew cud.
In rightfield it was settled upon:
Couldn't catch a cold in the field, but at the plate the guy is bonkers. Three time MVP still in his peak years and winning championships. In the early days of BPF Rob Dickerson was The Man in right but his legacy has been clocked by Allen, whose trophy mantle keeps filling up. Shockingly admitted that as a teenage promise keeper who hasn't met "the One" he's still a virgin.
The panel decided to pass on the DH as it's not applicable to both leagues. The panel reconvenes tommorrow for the All-time BPF Four Man Rotation and maybe closer.
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bnags stole Neal from Portland (now Salem) in season 5 in probably the worst trade in BPF history (shame on us for not catching that one). Seriously, Neal for Yuniesky Maranon, Bryan Anderson, and Albert Simon, fucking awful. A World Series ring, several Silver Sluggers, All-Star appearances, and a Gold Glove later and you have one of the most bestest players in BPF. Though not blessed with the strongest arm, he's a more than capable pitch caller, and a sick bat. Honorable mention goes to Geronimo Cruz. When reached for a comment Neal simply stated in a thick Brooklyn accent, "Go fuck yourself".
At first base the choice was easy:
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The most decorated player in BPF history has been aided by playing in some hitter friendly park's and some dubious early seasons pitching. But his achievements can't be denied. A stunning combination of power and speed, and a very competent glove man at first. 5 MVPs, 2 Gold Gloves, a slew of All-Star games and a championship on his sparkling resume. All time BPF leader in runs, homers, RBIs, and stolen bases. Unbelievably has never learned english except to say "baseball has been bery, bery good to me".
Our second bagger is:
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Though still surrounded by the controversy involving several underage Thai boy prostitutes and a long standing addiction to opium and opium derivatives, Hall has forged himself a sexy career. Though he spent a couple seasons in RF recently, Hall has two MVPs and four Silver Sluggers at second. He's also a two-time consecutive World Series champeen, and has a good shot at three in a row with Chicago this season. We asked his teamates ofr a comment, and it was almost universal: "sick asshole, but a great player". Aspires to be a baby sitter specializing in pre-pubescent boys when his career winds up.
The best shortstop we've seen so far is a much harder call. The panel wanted the defensive importance of the postion to be of greater signifigance than the bat. We haven't seen a SS win an MVP, there have been a few big hitters with lacking glove work, who also spent significant time at other positions, which the panel concluded was not enough to qualify. So believe it or not here is the ALL-Time BPF shortstop:
 |
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I know, I know, but I think he's the only SS to win both a Gold Glove (4) and a Silver Slugger (2), as well as making the All-Star team in his first five seasons. Both Aaron Spahn and Pedro Aguilera have won Silver Sluggers at the position but neither are true shortstops. Anyways Tejada was a rocket armed hoover in the early days who went largely unnoticed except by the awards commitee. Here you go Tony, congrats.
Third base gives us a lot of candidates and maybe some controversy. Or maybe not. There hasn't been a player who, over the course of this world's history, been there season in season out. We've seen many player have a good stretch here and there and there have been some familiar names appear over time such as Flores in vancouver and Rader, whereever the hell he is. Aguilera has spent some time there and won awards but in the end the nod goes to :
 |
| ||||||||||||||
He's spent quite a bit of time as an over reaching shortstop, but his true spot is at the Hot Corner where he's won both the Gold Glove and Silver Slugger. This world's only openly gay player it's his career goal to one day play in KC. Spahn won a ring in his first season, which spoiled him as he thought it would be easy to win more as easy as it is to get an anonymous blow job in the showers at whatever Y he was at. Wrong.
Let's move to the outfield. we'll start in center. It came down to Flash Bass and the eventual winner of this phony popularity contest
|
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Though recently moved to secondbase, Morris's achievements in center can't be denied. He's won every AL CF Silver Slugger since his rookie season (which also had him win Rookie of The Year). Power and speed, with very good range. In off-field news it was recently discovered he has sent cell phone pictures of his dick to a former Jets employee...er, wait...that's Brett Favre. dick isn't that impressive, wouldn't even tempt Spahn.
In left the Star Chamber decided upon:
 |
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Pretty weak pool of candidates, many candidates from the first few seasons, Starr is the only one with longevity at the position and has won both Silver Sluggers and Gold Gloves at the position. Really boring guy, collects empty toilet rolls as a hobby and has been known to chew cud.
In rightfield it was settled upon:
 |
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Couldn't catch a cold in the field, but at the plate the guy is bonkers. Three time MVP still in his peak years and winning championships. In the early days of BPF Rob Dickerson was The Man in right but his legacy has been clocked by Allen, whose trophy mantle keeps filling up. Shockingly admitted that as a teenage promise keeper who hasn't met "the One" he's still a virgin.
The panel decided to pass on the DH as it's not applicable to both leagues. The panel reconvenes tommorrow for the All-time BPF Four Man Rotation and maybe closer.
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
AL North
Honolulu Harpoon
Vancouver's li'l division buddy has seen some changes. The offence doesn't feature a great deal of high ratings and boasts little star power. Chris Matthews and Walt Wilkins make a lovely 1-2, but beyond that it's just a little above average. Pretty solid up the middle, so hit to the corners.
Defence: B-
Offence: C+
Pitching: B-
Prediction: 86-76
Googled Honolulu Girl Shot:
Tacoma Car Prowlers
I look at this team and I see a pretty good squad. I said that last year but I was surprised by it's 77-85 record. A nice line-up with some, but not alot, of power. Some nice elite bats. The pitching is high solid, sub-spectacular. The starting rotation might have control struggles but the bullpen looks nice. Pretty solid defensively, which will help the starters. I'm starting to get a headache from staring at this computer screen for the past seven hours.
Defence: B
Offence: B-
Pitching: C+
Prediction: 88-74
Googled Tacoma Girl Shot:
Scottsdale Storm
Poor Morgan Brow and Donaldo Escobar. These shining jewels twinkle amidst alot of shit. Looks to be another season of next season draft anticipation. I really don't see much else to say. Non-stunning defenders, I dunno. Harsh words? Go tell Hersh Ward.
Defence: C-
Offence: C-
Pitching: C-
Prediction: 59-103
Googled Scottsdale Girl Shot:
Vancouver Coastals
Three words: No safety net. Or it could be: No margin for error. How about: another playoff failure. Or: goddamn fucking sonofabitch. NJ says you get passed if you stand still. Vancouver stood still, actually took a step back. On paper still looks like the class of the AL, but I already said something about paper a few teams back. Franchise boasts all reigning MVP major awards winners, definitely not in the running for an ROY this season. One injury to either the offense or pitching and this season is shot.
Defense: B
Offense: A-
Pitching: A-
Prediction: 104-58
Googled Vancouver Girl Shot:
Vancouver's li'l division buddy has seen some changes. The offence doesn't feature a great deal of high ratings and boasts little star power. Chris Matthews and Walt Wilkins make a lovely 1-2, but beyond that it's just a little above average. Pretty solid up the middle, so hit to the corners.
Defence: B-
Offence: C+
Pitching: B-
Prediction: 86-76
Googled Honolulu Girl Shot:
Tacoma Car Prowlers
I look at this team and I see a pretty good squad. I said that last year but I was surprised by it's 77-85 record. A nice line-up with some, but not alot, of power. Some nice elite bats. The pitching is high solid, sub-spectacular. The starting rotation might have control struggles but the bullpen looks nice. Pretty solid defensively, which will help the starters. I'm starting to get a headache from staring at this computer screen for the past seven hours.
Defence: B
Offence: B-
Pitching: C+
Prediction: 88-74
Googled Tacoma Girl Shot:
Scottsdale Storm
Poor Morgan Brow and Donaldo Escobar. These shining jewels twinkle amidst alot of shit. Looks to be another season of next season draft anticipation. I really don't see much else to say. Non-stunning defenders, I dunno. Harsh words? Go tell Hersh Ward.
Defence: C-
Offence: C-
Pitching: C-
Prediction: 59-103
Googled Scottsdale Girl Shot:
Vancouver Coastals
Three words: No safety net. Or it could be: No margin for error. How about: another playoff failure. Or: goddamn fucking sonofabitch. NJ says you get passed if you stand still. Vancouver stood still, actually took a step back. On paper still looks like the class of the AL, but I already said something about paper a few teams back. Franchise boasts all reigning MVP major awards winners, definitely not in the running for an ROY this season. One injury to either the offense or pitching and this season is shot.
Defense: B
Offense: A-
Pitching: A-
Prediction: 104-58
Googled Vancouver Girl Shot:
AL Dirtier South
The Dirty South is actually one of my most popular breakfast items. It consists of two fried eggs brushed with BBQ sauce, on corn cakes, with pulled pork rib, succotash, and fried onions. No wonder my cafe constant line-ups.
Back to y'all
Houston Colt45s
A cautionary tale. After 10 seasons of devoted ownership, kemosabe waited for credits to re-up. Unfortunately a family emergency popped up and for a critical three days kemo rightly focused his concerns elsewhere, but subsequently lost his team. Folks, if you can re-up before roll, if you are going to wait, let me know so I can be aware and will hold your team. Anyhoo...
...We now see the franchise moved from Texas progressive bastion and capitol Austin to drill 'em and fuck 'em Houston. Will see if this carries over to a return to winning in the Republic. Geraldo Saenz and Terry Green are the stars of the team, but there's not a lot of of top flight talent behind them. Not push overs, but seem doubtful for a playoff spot, though I haven't looked at the other teams in the division yet, so maybe this is best team. In terms of pitching, control and effectiveness versus lefties are concerns.
Defence: B-
Offence: C+
Pitching: C
Prediction: 77-85
Googled Houston Girl Shot:
Richmond Informers
Last seasons division winner will face a challenge from Kansas city, but in this division any thing is possible, there's not much separation in talent level. Solid, but not knee shaking in any aspect, this team will grind out wins, but won't blow other squads away. No major Award type players. there's really not much to say here, but at least ownership has brought some measure of respectability to this franchise.
Defence: C+
Offence: C+
Pitching: C+
Prediction: 81-81
Googled Richmond Girl Shot (dubious Richmond connection):
Tampa Bay rays (sic)
A once proud and mighty franchise has been reduced to a drunken bum, sitting in his own filth under an overpass somewhere. Well, maybe that's harsh. Actually it's similar to the very early editions of the ol' timey and actual Devil Rays, that is to say, awful. There is some serviceable talent that won't just rollover but any grounder will roll between the infielders legs and the outfielders are going to lose lots of pop flys to the sun. Get ready for errors, lots and lots of errors. Ol' timey vintage Bad News Bears before Tatum O'Neill type defence.
Defence: D
Offence: C
Pitching: C
Prediction:59-103
Googled Tampa bay Girl Shot:
Kansas City Faggots
Hey-heyyy sailors! OK well, it's clear we have the division winner. this team is erect with good wood handlers. These guys know how to hold a shaft and swing at the ball. They like 'em high and inside, low and away, whatever, just keep those balls cumming...er...coming. the pitchers know how to grip a ball as well, how to hide that ball, and how to put that ball just where they want it. the defenders have some soft hands, and have just enough snap on those wrists. The tightest uniforms in the world will see plenty of plays made from the knees. One thing that might haunt this team is that the players who chew tobacco, might wind up getting sick because they always swallow. Anyhoo, gay times for Kansas City as the AL prepares to take it up the ass.
Defence: B-
Offence: B
Pitching: B
Prediction: 98-64
Googled Kansas City Gay Shot:
Back to y'all
Houston Colt45s
A cautionary tale. After 10 seasons of devoted ownership, kemosabe waited for credits to re-up. Unfortunately a family emergency popped up and for a critical three days kemo rightly focused his concerns elsewhere, but subsequently lost his team. Folks, if you can re-up before roll, if you are going to wait, let me know so I can be aware and will hold your team. Anyhoo...
...We now see the franchise moved from Texas progressive bastion and capitol Austin to drill 'em and fuck 'em Houston. Will see if this carries over to a return to winning in the Republic. Geraldo Saenz and Terry Green are the stars of the team, but there's not a lot of of top flight talent behind them. Not push overs, but seem doubtful for a playoff spot, though I haven't looked at the other teams in the division yet, so maybe this is best team. In terms of pitching, control and effectiveness versus lefties are concerns.
Defence: B-
Offence: C+
Pitching: C
Prediction: 77-85
Googled Houston Girl Shot:
Richmond Informers
Last seasons division winner will face a challenge from Kansas city, but in this division any thing is possible, there's not much separation in talent level. Solid, but not knee shaking in any aspect, this team will grind out wins, but won't blow other squads away. No major Award type players. there's really not much to say here, but at least ownership has brought some measure of respectability to this franchise.
Defence: C+
Offence: C+
Pitching: C+
Prediction: 81-81
Googled Richmond Girl Shot (dubious Richmond connection):
Tampa Bay rays (sic)
A once proud and mighty franchise has been reduced to a drunken bum, sitting in his own filth under an overpass somewhere. Well, maybe that's harsh. Actually it's similar to the very early editions of the ol' timey and actual Devil Rays, that is to say, awful. There is some serviceable talent that won't just rollover but any grounder will roll between the infielders legs and the outfielders are going to lose lots of pop flys to the sun. Get ready for errors, lots and lots of errors. Ol' timey vintage Bad News Bears before Tatum O'Neill type defence.
Defence: D
Offence: C
Pitching: C
Prediction:59-103
Googled Tampa bay Girl Shot:
Kansas City Faggots
Hey-heyyy sailors! OK well, it's clear we have the division winner. this team is erect with good wood handlers. These guys know how to hold a shaft and swing at the ball. They like 'em high and inside, low and away, whatever, just keep those balls cumming...er...coming. the pitchers know how to grip a ball as well, how to hide that ball, and how to put that ball just where they want it. the defenders have some soft hands, and have just enough snap on those wrists. The tightest uniforms in the world will see plenty of plays made from the knees. One thing that might haunt this team is that the players who chew tobacco, might wind up getting sick because they always swallow. Anyhoo, gay times for Kansas City as the AL prepares to take it up the ass.
Defence: B-
Offence: B
Pitching: B
Prediction: 98-64
Googled Kansas City Gay Shot:
AL Least, errr...East
Chicago Black Holes
Sweet, Crispy Jesus! Um, wow, there's a new sheriff in town in the AL East. This team scares the living shit out of me. The pitching isn't as strong down the line, as Milwaukee and Vancouver on paper but that's on paper and we all know paper's only good for beer labels, rolling papers and porn mags. Boasting top end talent and depth, Chicago cemented it's contender status with the acquisitions of Wayne and Hall from Milwaukee. Fear being sucked into the Black Holes gravity of awesomeness. I do.
Defense: B+
Offense: A
Pitching: A-
Prediction: 104-58
Googled Chicago Girl Shot:
New York Yankees
Any team with Geronimo Cruz, Nate Laroche, Carlos Diaz, and Ray Post is a dangerous team, but talent level drops off after that. A fading legend in De La Vega, and not much depth in the line-up could see the Yanks miss the playoff for the second straight season. 10 ML pitchers won't help much either. Too bad that it's rebuild time but the payroll is a scouting killing 104 mil. A hearty Nelson Muntz "HaHa".
Defence: B+
Offence: C+
Pitching: Incomplete
Prediction: 86-76
Googled New York Girl Shot:
Trenton Enforcers
I can't wait to google "Hot Chicks+Trenton" see what results I get. Deeeeep in higher (70+) overall guys but still a touch short on the ratings that matter. Still, this team will make for some miserable series for the opposition occaisionally. The only true superstar is Tex Lombardi. After that it's a Cecil B. Demille-like cast of thousands. If some depth could be parlayed into a couple studs this team would be much scarier. Really lacking pop in the line-up.
Defence: C+
Offence: C+
Pitching: C+
Prediction: 78-84
Googled Trenton Girl Shot:
Burlington Coat Factories
Farewell domi. May a clue come upon thee. Well, well, jonboy I see you've tasted playoff success I can only wet dream of. Fuck you. With a very strong rotation pitching half the season in Burlington, the most extreme pitcher's park in HBF, this squad will finish in the top 3 in AL pitching. No real offensive superman but a line-up capable of putting up some numbers some nights. Domi never gave a crap about preventing wins behind the pitcher so defense is a sore spot. I'm sure in a couple years ownership will be taking this team to dizzying heights.
Defence: C
Offense: B-
Pitching: B
Prediction: 84-78
Googled Burlington Girl Shot:
Just kidding
Sweet, Crispy Jesus! Um, wow, there's a new sheriff in town in the AL East. This team scares the living shit out of me. The pitching isn't as strong down the line, as Milwaukee and Vancouver on paper but that's on paper and we all know paper's only good for beer labels, rolling papers and porn mags. Boasting top end talent and depth, Chicago cemented it's contender status with the acquisitions of Wayne and Hall from Milwaukee. Fear being sucked into the Black Holes gravity of awesomeness. I do.
Defense: B+
Offense: A
Pitching: A-
Prediction: 104-58
Googled Chicago Girl Shot:
New York Yankees
Any team with Geronimo Cruz, Nate Laroche, Carlos Diaz, and Ray Post is a dangerous team, but talent level drops off after that. A fading legend in De La Vega, and not much depth in the line-up could see the Yanks miss the playoff for the second straight season. 10 ML pitchers won't help much either. Too bad that it's rebuild time but the payroll is a scouting killing 104 mil. A hearty Nelson Muntz "HaHa".
Defence: B+
Offence: C+
Pitching: Incomplete
Prediction: 86-76
Googled New York Girl Shot:
Trenton Enforcers
I can't wait to google "Hot Chicks+Trenton" see what results I get. Deeeeep in higher (70+) overall guys but still a touch short on the ratings that matter. Still, this team will make for some miserable series for the opposition occaisionally. The only true superstar is Tex Lombardi. After that it's a Cecil B. Demille-like cast of thousands. If some depth could be parlayed into a couple studs this team would be much scarier. Really lacking pop in the line-up.
Defence: C+
Offence: C+
Pitching: C+
Prediction: 78-84
Googled Trenton Girl Shot:
Burlington Coat Factories
Farewell domi. May a clue come upon thee. Well, well, jonboy I see you've tasted playoff success I can only wet dream of. Fuck you. With a very strong rotation pitching half the season in Burlington, the most extreme pitcher's park in HBF, this squad will finish in the top 3 in AL pitching. No real offensive superman but a line-up capable of putting up some numbers some nights. Domi never gave a crap about preventing wins behind the pitcher so defense is a sore spot. I'm sure in a couple years ownership will be taking this team to dizzying heights.
Defence: C
Offense: B-
Pitching: B
Prediction: 84-78
Googled Burlington Girl Shot:
Just kidding
AL North:
Milwaukee Ueckers
The reigning WS Champ saw some major shaking up this off season. Of course with an FG owned team we’ve seen a barrage of trades, acquiring Jon Drew, and Edgar Frias (sonofabitch, motherfucker). On the outs, the Uecks bid adieu (that’s ‘good-bye’ in French, for you Americans) to Delino Hall, Kane Knotts, and Dummy Wayne. Most teams would be devastated losing that talent but noooooo. Throw in Hideo Suh(Who I hope will bring his legacy of playoff failure to Milwaukee) as the major FA signing and you have a formidable squad. A lock to win the division and one of the two playoff byes. Great top end defence, pitching, and hitting. And the system is loaded with prospects. I might soon have a new target for my “fuck you”s. Move over devonjain, there’s a new success-based cocksucker in this world. So enjoy polishing your trophy FG, hope you have room on the mantle for another.
Defence: B+
Offence: A-
Pitching: A
Prediction: 106-56 (1st in division)
Googled Milwaukee Girl Shot:
Montreal Maroons
I was looking at this team’s system at the end of Season 7, and I was thinking “Damn, in another season this team will be huge”. Instead we have seen a backwards slide, but hey at least the payroll is minisculey low. You’d think having zillions in prospect and amateur scouting season after season would mean a loaded system, but you’d be wrong. I can’t help but think of a Hamster in a wheel. Still, it makes things interesting, some of the seasons biggest deals will involve Montreal, although with my system devoid of prospects, I’ll personally be hitting the reject button a lot less. I’d like to see what I could with 6-7 seasons of the same budgeting. Both hitters and pitchers will be stronger against lefties, which is slightly unfortunate due to majority of players being righties. Young team with some high end talent, should be improved over last season, could (could) challenge for a wildcard spot.
Defence: A
Offence: B-
Pitching: B-
Prediction: 87-75
Googled Montreal Girl Shot:
Seattle Nirvana
Looks to be another long season on the Rain Coast. Season after punishing season of inept ownership by drew left the cupboards with naught but dust and mouse turds. Patterba looks to be sticking around to haul this shipwreck back to the surface and get it floating again. But it won’t happen this season. No trades so far, but who’s attractive? One minor FA signing. Season 12, will be picking in the top five.
Defence: A
Offence: C
Pitching: C
Prediction: 62-100
Googled Seattle Girl Shot:
Detroit Drive
Sigh. Mirroring the Lions this perennial Also Ran hopes for something, anything. Management needs to identify where to start, and take the path to reward. It’s not to late to begin. The effort is there, but this team still needs help at all levels. Remember that spider/guy at the end of the original Fly, this team is that guy.
Defence: D+
Offence: C-
Pitching: C-
Prediction: 59-103
Googled Detroit Girl Shot:
Milwaukee Ueckers
The reigning WS Champ saw some major shaking up this off season. Of course with an FG owned team we’ve seen a barrage of trades, acquiring Jon Drew, and Edgar Frias (sonofabitch, motherfucker). On the outs, the Uecks bid adieu (that’s ‘good-bye’ in French, for you Americans) to Delino Hall, Kane Knotts, and Dummy Wayne. Most teams would be devastated losing that talent but noooooo. Throw in Hideo Suh(Who I hope will bring his legacy of playoff failure to Milwaukee) as the major FA signing and you have a formidable squad. A lock to win the division and one of the two playoff byes. Great top end defence, pitching, and hitting. And the system is loaded with prospects. I might soon have a new target for my “fuck you”s. Move over devonjain, there’s a new success-based cocksucker in this world. So enjoy polishing your trophy FG, hope you have room on the mantle for another.
Defence: B+
Offence: A-
Pitching: A
Prediction: 106-56 (1st in division)
Googled Milwaukee Girl Shot:
Montreal Maroons
I was looking at this team’s system at the end of Season 7, and I was thinking “Damn, in another season this team will be huge”. Instead we have seen a backwards slide, but hey at least the payroll is minisculey low. You’d think having zillions in prospect and amateur scouting season after season would mean a loaded system, but you’d be wrong. I can’t help but think of a Hamster in a wheel. Still, it makes things interesting, some of the seasons biggest deals will involve Montreal, although with my system devoid of prospects, I’ll personally be hitting the reject button a lot less. I’d like to see what I could with 6-7 seasons of the same budgeting. Both hitters and pitchers will be stronger against lefties, which is slightly unfortunate due to majority of players being righties. Young team with some high end talent, should be improved over last season, could (could) challenge for a wildcard spot.
Defence: A
Offence: B-
Pitching: B-
Prediction: 87-75
Googled Montreal Girl Shot:
Seattle Nirvana
Looks to be another long season on the Rain Coast. Season after punishing season of inept ownership by drew left the cupboards with naught but dust and mouse turds. Patterba looks to be sticking around to haul this shipwreck back to the surface and get it floating again. But it won’t happen this season. No trades so far, but who’s attractive? One minor FA signing. Season 12, will be picking in the top five.
Defence: A
Offence: C
Pitching: C
Prediction: 62-100
Googled Seattle Girl Shot:
Detroit Drive
Sigh. Mirroring the Lions this perennial Also Ran hopes for something, anything. Management needs to identify where to start, and take the path to reward. It’s not to late to begin. The effort is there, but this team still needs help at all levels. Remember that spider/guy at the end of the original Fly, this team is that guy.
Defence: D+
Offence: C-
Pitching: C-
Prediction: 59-103
Googled Detroit Girl Shot:
Monday, September 27, 2010
The Mother Fucking NL West S11 Preview
Arguably the best division in all of HBD, only 3 games separated first and fourth place last season. 12 playoff appearances, with 1 WS win and another WS appearance in ten seasons. OK, maybe we suck.
Not a single playoff appearance in ten seasons, Colorado loves playing .500 ball. After two really bad seasons to start the franchise, new management came in and brought the squad up to some decent standards. Lots of second and third place finishes in the division during the next eight seasons, but.....no playoffs. This offseason saw them trade away a setup guy for a catcher, but that was about it for movement. Washington and McCormick are still good. Bringing in Mo Nathan was a good move. And slowly but surely, management has brought in a pitching staff that won't get shelled in Colroado. Is it good enough to finally get them a playoff spot in this tough division?
Batting - B
Pitching - B
Fielding - B+
Prediction - 80 wins, 3rd in division
After winning the division during four of the first five seasons, Albuquerque has only made the playoffs twice in the last five seasons. On paper, guys like Cain, Alarcon, Cairo, Jumbo and Rico look great. But can they finally get this team a first round win? It's painful how bad these guys have been in the playoffs during their history. Losing Spahn and James to free agency does not help matters, but signing Mesa and Miles might even it out.
Batting - B+
Pitching - B
Fielding - C
Prediction - 88 wins, 2nd in division
Always a favorite to move deep into the playoffs, the Ownage moved to Salem this year, a city where I won a WS in another world. Other than losing their closer to FA, and trading away a 1B for a defensive specialist, Salem was very quiet during the offseason. They don't seem quite as scary on paper as they were a season or two ago, but they still have plenty of depth, with Ramirez, Singleton, Collins, etc. The hitting is there. The pitching is still top notch. They've improved defensively. Do they get back to the WS this year?
Batting - B
Pitching - A
Fielding - B+
Prediction - 90 wins, 1st in division
Las Vegas got 84 wins in S9 and finished 2nd in the division. In S10 they got the same number of wins, but finished 4th in the division. Goodness. Floating the largest budget in franchise history, the Bandits are clearly not content with 4th place. Aguilera and Canseco are studs, and management brought in Brooks, Hong and Parrish to help out this year, while feeling confident enough in the current roster to trade away Green for three prospects. Hopefully that last move doesn't blow up in their face this season.
Batting - B
Pitching - B-
Fielding - B-
Prediction - 78 wins, 4th in division
Not a single playoff appearance in ten seasons, Colorado loves playing .500 ball. After two really bad seasons to start the franchise, new management came in and brought the squad up to some decent standards. Lots of second and third place finishes in the division during the next eight seasons, but.....no playoffs. This offseason saw them trade away a setup guy for a catcher, but that was about it for movement. Washington and McCormick are still good. Bringing in Mo Nathan was a good move. And slowly but surely, management has brought in a pitching staff that won't get shelled in Colroado. Is it good enough to finally get them a playoff spot in this tough division?
Batting - B
Pitching - B
Fielding - B+
Prediction - 80 wins, 3rd in division
After winning the division during four of the first five seasons, Albuquerque has only made the playoffs twice in the last five seasons. On paper, guys like Cain, Alarcon, Cairo, Jumbo and Rico look great. But can they finally get this team a first round win? It's painful how bad these guys have been in the playoffs during their history. Losing Spahn and James to free agency does not help matters, but signing Mesa and Miles might even it out.
Batting - B+
Pitching - B
Fielding - C
Prediction - 88 wins, 2nd in division
Always a favorite to move deep into the playoffs, the Ownage moved to Salem this year, a city where I won a WS in another world. Other than losing their closer to FA, and trading away a 1B for a defensive specialist, Salem was very quiet during the offseason. They don't seem quite as scary on paper as they were a season or two ago, but they still have plenty of depth, with Ramirez, Singleton, Collins, etc. The hitting is there. The pitching is still top notch. They've improved defensively. Do they get back to the WS this year?
Batting - B
Pitching - A
Fielding - B+
Prediction - 90 wins, 1st in division
Las Vegas got 84 wins in S9 and finished 2nd in the division. In S10 they got the same number of wins, but finished 4th in the division. Goodness. Floating the largest budget in franchise history, the Bandits are clearly not content with 4th place. Aguilera and Canseco are studs, and management brought in Brooks, Hong and Parrish to help out this year, while feeling confident enough in the current roster to trade away Green for three prospects. Hopefully that last move doesn't blow up in their face this season.
Batting - B
Pitching - B-
Fielding - B-
Prediction - 78 wins, 4th in division
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