Well, well, well, what do we have here? Why it’s the season 10 season review and forecast bullshit for the DH fuelled American Motherfucking League. We ALers understand. that watching pitchers either flail wildly at three pitches down the middle, or laying down a bunt is like watching fat girls strip, unless, of course you like fat girls. Time and place for everything I guess but still, I’d rather watch someone who knows how to hold a bat at the plate.
AL West
Vancouver Coastals
Last season: 103-59/ predicted: 102-60
Hmm, I actually exceeded my prediction, and yet I still felt disappointed. Maybe I’m just a whiny bitch with unreal expectations? Nah, that’s not it. So let’s see, I’ve improved the offense, traded a pretty damn good pitcher so my staff is a touch weaker but still the class of the world (with competition, but who’s kidding whom?). A little weaker at SS but much improved bat. Except for 2B, I have a potential All-Star and Silver Slugger at every position, but no real league MVP type. A couple Cy Young candidates, a stud set-up man, and light’s out closer. Won’t make the playoffs.
Offense: A
Pitching: A+
Fielding: B+
MVP: Lance Morris
Cy Young: Curtis McMillon
Forecast: 85-77
Honolulu Harpoon
Last season: 90-72/ predicted: 70-92
I was way off last year, enough to make me question myself, if only for a millionth of a nanosecond. Is that a gigasecond? I dunno. Shiish is quietly doing a nice job out in paradise. Maybe it’s the spit roasted pig and poke, maybe it’s the pineapples, but this is a pretty capable squad of solid MLers. With the anticipated suckage of the Coastals, The Harpoon are poised to challenge for the division or wildcard.
Offense: B-
Pitching: C+
Defense: A
MVP: Juan Mercado
Cy Young: Rex Coles
Forecast: 90-72
Tacoma Car Prowlers
Last season: 75-87/ predicted: 74-88
Wow, where did this team come from? Trades and Free Agency, that’s where. Good work caseroc, very impressive. Pitching is the weak spot, not the strongest rotation, but a fairly strong bullpen. Tacoma is basically Seattle’s asshole, and even smells like a giant fart. I guess it’s full of sexual predators based on the team name. There’s never been a TV show based in Tacoma that I can think of.
Offense: A-
Pitching: B-
Fielding: A-
MVP: Alex Cubillan
Cy Young: Frank Treadway
Forecast: 96-66
Scottsdale Swarm
Last season: 66-96/ predicted: 73-89
The present future looks to be more of the same for Scottsdale in season 10. Morgan Brow could prevent the team from losing 100 games, but there's not much else of note. Still in retooling phase, but getting a bit Tampa Bay-esque. Just need experienced drinker Lou Pinella to go all DT on their asses. Oh, and talent.
Offense: C-
Pitching: C
Defense: C
MVP: I guess Wilfredo Belliard
Cy Young: Morgan Brow
Forecast: 65-97
AL South
Austin Argonauts
Last season: 53-109/ predicted: 55-107
Much improved on paper over last years hairball of a ML roster. Austin might get a sniff of .500s ass, if the Argos play their cards right. I’m not sure the hitting is deep enough to steal games though, but the gloves will save a few runs per week. Anybody used to go see those Saturday matinees when you were a kid, the ones with all those Ray Harryhausen special effects? I loved those piles of cheesy crap. Jason and the Argonauts and the Sinbad series. Whatever happened to Sinbad. Was he actually funny?
Offense: C
Pitching: C+
Defense: B
MVP: Bryce Strittmayer
Cy Young: Gerald Saenz(you’re welcome)
Forecast: 55-107 (optimistic)
Tampa Bay rays
last season: 79-83/ predicted: 70-92
A once might franchise has been given a quick little makeover by mesapitfan. Some decent hitting, to go along with just above average pitching but solid fielding skills, makes this a mid-pack team, able to take wins from the stronger teams. Hopefully that happens and we don’t have an HBD version of the actual Rays.
Offense: B-
Pitching: C+
Defense: B
MVP: Shep Romano
Cy Young: Ralph Martin
Forecast: 70-92
Richmond Informers
Last season: 84-78/ predicted: 80-82
"Informer"
[CHORUS:]
Informer
You know say daddy me snow me-a (gonna) blame
A licky boom-boom down
'Tective man he say, say Daddy Me Snow me stab someone down the lane
A licky boom-boom down
Police-a them-a they come and-a they blow down me door
One him come crawl through through my window
So they put me in the back the car at the station
From that point on I reach my destination
Well the destination reached in down-a East detention
Where they whip down me pants look up me bottom
[CHORUS]
Bigger they are they think they have more power
There on the phone me say that on hour
Me for want to use it once and-a me call me lover
Lover who me callin'-a the one Tammy
And me love her in my heart down to my belly-a
Yes say Daddy Me Snow me I feel cool and deadly
Yes the one MC Shan and the one Daddy Snow
Together we-a love 'em(?) as a tornado
[CHORUS]
Listen to me ya better listen for me now
Listen to me ya better listen for me now
When-a me rock-a the microphone, me rock on steady-a
Yes-a Daddy Me Snow me are the article don
But the in an a-out (?) a dance an they say, "Where ya come from?"
People them say I come from Jamaica
But me born and raised in Etobicoke I want ya to know-a
Pure black people man thats all I man know
Yeah me shoes are-a tear up an-a my toes used to show-a
Where me-a born in-a the one Toronto
[CHORUS]
Come with a nice young lady
Intelligent, yes she gentle and irie
Everywhere me go me never lef' her at all-ie
Yes-a Daddy Snow me are the roam dance man-a
Roam between-a dancin' in-a in-a nation-a
You never know say Daddy Me Snow me are the boom shakata
Me never lay-a down flat in-a one cardboard box-a
Yes-a Daddy Me Snow me-a go reachin' out da top
[CHORUS]
Why would he? [repeat]
[MC Shan:]
Me sittin round cool with my jiggy jiggy girl
Police knock my door, lick up my pal
Rough me up and I cant do a thing
Pick up my line when my telephone ring
Take me to the station, black up my hands
Trail me down 'cause I'm hanging with the Snowman
What an I gonna do, I'm backed and I'm trapped
Smack me in my face, took all of my gap
They have no clues and they wanna get warmer
But Shan won't turn informer
What a shitty song. Pretty good team jcarver is scratching together, favourite for the division again.
Offense: B
Pitching: B-
Defense: B
MVP: Denny Yang
Cy Young: Yamil Olmeda
Forecast: 93-69
Kansas City Faggots
Last season: 80-82/ predicted 79-83
"I Wanna Be A Homosexual"
I've got a little lisp, and I've been working on my limp wrist.
Women are a drag, I think I wanna be a faggot, man.
A mincing ninny, prancing fairy, merry little queen.
A Bruce Labruce wet dream, a Nancy Boy with wings.
I wanna be, I wanna be a homosexual.
I wanna be, I wanna be a homosexual.
I wanna be, I wanna be a homosexual.
I wanna be
Shock the middle class, take it up your punk rock ass.
You rub your little thing, when you see phony dykes in Penthouse magazine.
So what's the difference Mr. Cream Rinse, you just need a man.
A beefy leather fag, to take you out in drag oh yeah.
I wanna be, I wanna be a homosexual.
I wanna be, I wanna be a homosexual.
I wanna be, I wanna be a homosexual.
I wanna be
Call me a faggot, call me a butt loving, fudge packing queer.
But I don't care 'cause it's the straight in straight-edge,
that makes me wanna drink a beer and be a pansy, and be a homo.
Shock the middle class, take it up your punk rock ass.
You rub your puny thing, when you see studs with tight jeans pass you on the street.
Who wears short shorts? You wear short shorts.
You're so full of shit
Why don't you admit that you don't have the balls to be a queer.
I wanna be, I wanna be a homosexual.
I wanna be, I wanna be a homosexual.
I wanna be, I wanna be a homosexual.
I wanna be a homosexual.
Screeching Weasel are my favourite American punk band (the Clash being the greatest band ever), and the lead singer plays Whatif. The Faggots have improved over last season, and will be riding Richmond's ass all season.
Offense: B-
Pitching: B-
Defense: B-
MVP: Nick Oliver
Cy Young: Paul Harris
Forecast: 90-72
AL East
Chicago Black Holes
Last season: 82-80/ predicted: 72-90
If this squad had better starting pitching it could be a wildcard contender, but every team has a black hole of some sort. Hmm black holes: according to the general theory of relativity, is a region of space from which nothing, including light, can escape. It is the result of the deformation of spacetime caused by a very compact mass. Around a black hole there is an undetectable surface which marks the point of no return, called an event horizon. Apparently there’s a massive one in the Milky Way. I love physics, especially quantum and the philosophical questions that get posed by it. I don’t always understand it, but when you start thinking that beyond our clock and calendar based on the sun, there is no such thing as time, we are constantly in a state of now. There is really only distance. Did you know everything vibrates, and has some form of a gravitational force. On an elemental level we are composed of the exact same matter as the stars in the sky. When we die our DNA is dispersed, and that we probably contain traces of everyone that has ever lived in each of us. This isn’t hippy-dippy crap, it’s true. I love that shit. Makes you think.
Offense: C+
Pitching: C+
Defense: B-
MVP: Ozzie Romero
Cy Young: Willie Lyons
Forecast: 86-76
Fucking New Fucking York Fucking Yankees
Last season: 88-74/ predicted: 102-60
So it’s late at night at Whatif headquarters. The HBD programmers are hard at work when there’s a knock at the door. One of the employees opens the door and is greeted by a man with lust in his eyes. “Hi, I’m devonjain” the stranger says. “I’ve come to improve my playoff chances”. devon is let in to the room. He scans the room and sees a bunch of Poindexters entering code. The room hums and rattles with the sounds of servers working overtime to screw camden68. “Well boys, who wants it first? Get ‘em out, I’m probably going to have to face Vancouver and Milwaukee for sure in BPF, and their teams are better than mine.” Before you can say coach hiring devon’s mouth is full of nerd cock. The electronic buzzing and clicks is soon drowned out by slurps, gags, and moans as devon works his practiced tongue and lips all over the programmers hard drivers. Soon it’s a bukkake fest as the nerds blow their long stored cache of man RAM all over devons face. As long as New York makes the playoffs they are the AL favourite, That’s what head can do.
Offense: A
Pitching: A-
Defense: B+
MVP: Geronimo Cruz
Cy Young: Ray Post
Forecast: 102-60
Trenton Enforcers
Last Season: 85-77/ predicted: 68-94
Despite losing the much discussed Spahn and C Jackson, Trenton still looks good with the addition of Tex Lombardi. Lacking some top end pop, but will nickel and dime a few runs. Pitching is weak behind Lombardi. With so many teams improving and drew gone, it will be tough for Trenton to match last seasons surprising win total. Not a cakewalk to play, but not the strongest side in the AL. Did you know Trenton is the hometown of, not one, but two Supreme Court justices: Alito and Scalia. Remind me never to visit. It was also the national capitol briefly. Put that in your knowledge hat.
Offense: C+
Pitching: C
Defense: C+
MVP: Ernest Farr
Cy Young: Tex Lombardi
Forecast: 75-87
Syracuse Ice Truck Killers
Last season: 90-72/ predicted: 84-78
Walks are the operative word in Syracuse. The pitchers won’t give up many, and the hitters will take a bunch. Starting pitching is much vaunted by domi. It better be good because it’s rare that teams out score their opponents through walks and shoddy defense. The bullpen is a concern too, so the starters better go deeeep. I get a Fox station from Rochester, which is close to Syracuse. The commercials are hilarious. Apparently everyone there needs a lawyer and vocational school. Then there’s that creepy fucking Uncle Vic guy (“and remember Uncle Vic loves kids”) selling used cars, as well as his Unclaimed Freight and some other dodgy furniture venture. Another city I’ll never visit.
Offense: C+
Pitching: B-
Defense: C-
MVP: Robb Smith
Cy Young: Brent Gonzalez
Forecast: 84-78
AL North
Seattle Nirvana
Last season: 68-94/predicted: 62-100
Perhaps a clue has finally come to this franchise. Nine seasons of regression should hopefully come to a halt. This team won’t be fixed overnight and there’s a lot of work to do. Looking at this roster it’s bottomed out, hopefully some waiver wire finds can be had to raise this team’s fortunes. I loved Nirvana. Still vividly remember the first time I heard Teen Spirit. It was at work and I just stopped what I was doing and went and stood by the radio to fully absorb the mind blowing I was experiencing. Saw them at Reading Festival in ’92. The day Cobain was found dead, I’d bought a music rag (NME) on the way to work, which had a big picture of Kurt with an AR-15 pointed in his mouth with the other two on either side of him laughing. I got a chill when I saw the picture, but didn’t hear the news until I got to work. I still have that issue. I was living in Vancouver back then so it was all pretty close to home. Kurt and I actually had incredibly similar childhoods, freakishly similar in many respects. I’d tell him to “suck it up Princess”. Courtney Love is a cunt BTW. Saw her live in London right before Reading. She did Nirvana songs like they were her own. Cunt. She didn’t kill him, but she didn’t prevent him from killing himself.
Offense: C-
Pitching: D
Defense: B-
MVP: Tom Richards
Cy Young: Joshua Simon
Forecast: 59-103
Montreal Maroons
Last season: 73-89/ predicted: 76-86
The constant rebuild continues, this year with more of an emphasis on finishing lower it appears. I don't know if mira is paying off other owner’s mortgages in order to get them to trade their best prospects, especially since I can't get anyone to give anything close to fair value. Eventually he'll have a stacked line-up and a bunch of you will quit because he'll have one of those super franchises that destroys worlds. Way to go everybody. Do you all drink a teaspoon of cyanide everyday, too? Anyways I refused to participate in this a couple seasons ago, but some of you just continue to play along. Sigh. Anyways, this season will see much losing and at least a top 3 pick next season. I admire the guy for his perseverance to his goals though. But in a few seasons I won't see the point of playing anymore, since it'll be the Maroon show. Again, sigh.
Offense: C
Pitching: C+
Defense: B-
MVP: Donaldo Escobar
Cy Young: Bucky Beck
Forecast: 71-91
Milwaukee Ueckers
Last season: 111-51/ predicted: 110-52
Greatest rebuild in HBD continues along, though I think you could say this team is just, plain re-built. Slight tinkering, but still as formidable a squad as you’ll see. Another date with the Yankees is on the horizon. I wonder what it’s like to add talent and to see your team’s record get better. I’ve never seen that happen to me. BTW, I love Bob Uecker, he is a seriously funny guy, because he never tried (except with that god awful sitcom), he is just sharp, and clever. Foolsgold will you marry me?
Offense: A-
Pitching: A-
Defense: A-
MVP: Dizzy Allen
Cy Young: Tim Collins
Forecast: 106-56
Detroit Drive
Last season: 68-94/ predicted 68-94
Poor Detroit. This team mirrors the sad state of affairs in the Motor City. I read that the average house price in Urban Detroit is $16,000. Ouch. I also just recently found out that that line in Journey’s “Don’t stop Believing” “…born and raised in South Detroit…” would actually be referring to Windsor, Ontario as Detroit is actually north of Canada. Knowledge is the best part of getting old. Oh, and still shagging chicks in their 20s. My Advance scouting is too low to get a good measure of the Bengals system, but I hope there’s some talent in the cupboards, because there ain’t much in the majors.
Offense: C
Pitching: C
Defense: C
MVP: Josh Boone
Cy Young: Kazuhiro Lim
Forecast: 58-104
Well, that's it. If feelings were hurt, you'll get over it. if I made you laugh, you have serious mental issues. If I made you think, I'm sorry about that. My girlfriend gags on my cock.
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