Jacksonville Jimmies -- I hate guys who can win games with moderate budgets. That's right, I hate bnags. Other than Season 1 when he was more or less handcuffed with contracts he might not have wanted, he hasn't gone over $75M except for Season 6. Meanwhile, he's played .550+ ball each of the last five seasons. What makes me happy? He's still got that Rick Halama contract this season. But he's also got Neal, White, Wan, etc. The starting pitching is a little bit suspect, but the bullpen is sound. Is that gonna be enough to get these guys back to the World Series? I just farted.
Offense: A
Defense: C
Pitching: C+
Prediction: 95-67, 1st in division
Jackson Generals -- Shooting for their 10th straight .500+ season, Jackson is the picture of consistency. They have the hitting (Ontiveros, Wagner, Strickland), they have the pitching (May, Black, Stahl), they have the defense (Strickland, Arias, O'Rourke). But......they didn't do anything to improve from last season to this one. "If you stand still, you get passed."
Offense: B
Defense: B+
Pitching: C+
Prediction: 78-84, 3rd in division
New Orleans Posse -- Nine seasons, nine sub .500 records. But last season was the closest they have been to .500 in their history. Can they finally get there this year? Lots of former first-rounders are coming into their own at this point. The top end of the team's roster is just full of young guns. And I'm not talking about Emilio Estevez. The hitting is solid. The defense is good. It's going to be the pitching, like it is for so many other teams, that hinders them this season. Corban Little will be good, but he can't start everyday. These guys are improving, but they're still a ways behind Jackson and Jacksonville.
Offense: C
Defense: B
Pitching: C
Prediction: 81-81, 2nd in division
Charlotte Sometimes -- BGJ, you need to explain this team name. I still don't get it. But this poor team has had such turnover the last few seasons. After posting its first 100 loss season, things can only get better this year, right? There are no ridiculous salaries, which is good. Espinosa and Donovan were good pick-ups. Bubba Coles was shopped quite a bit, which I don't get since he is one of the best players on the team. But unlike every other team so far, the Sometimes will actually be led by the pitching staff, as the offense tries to keep up. Pitching wins games, right?
Offense: C-
Defense: B
Pitching: B+
Prediction: 75-87, 4th in division
All the World News that's unfit for print.
Saturday, June 26, 2010
NL East S10 Preview
Indianapolis Indians -- 89 wins last season was good enough for the division title, but the Injuns couldn't get out of the first round. What's the answer to that? Throw more money at it! The Indians upped the budget even more this season, with $140M put into player personnel. $20M of that goes to the timeless Chris Matthews, who is slated to get another $20M in Season 11 if he doesn't opt out of his contract. When all is said and done, he will have made $217.5M during his tenure in BPF. Jesus H Christ. He probably won't hit 200 wins for his career, but we should still vote him into the HOF just because of the cash he has made. The major FA additions of the offseason were Alan Heving ($4M), Cookie Nakamura ($5.5M), and Juan Diaz ($3M), all of whom were Type B's. Last year's offense is still there. Ryan, Gorecki, Uribe, Santos, Wilkerson.....they're just stacked. Matthews, Drew, and Frias are the top pitchers obviously, and the bullpen is solid as well. How did these guys not do better last season? Was it just a let down after the WS appearance? Will they get back there this year?
Offense: A-
Defense: A-
Pitching: B+
Prediction: 100-62
St Louis Oxbows -- Steadily progressing these last few seasons, the Oxbows are ready to make even more progress this season, which started with a brilliant signing of Hunter Bryant at a discounted price of $21.3M over three years. Combine him with guys like Borbon, Morton and Griffith, the offense is looking good. And we already know about the pitching, with Jumbo, Roosevelt, McGlinchy, and Mesa. These guys are coming back. Just you wait.
Offense: B
Defense: B
Pitching: A-
Prediction: 90-72
Hartford Insurance Men -- Since that World Series win way back in Season 2, this franchise hasn't made it out of the first round of the playoffs. But that hasn't stopped them from trudging along, making the occasional wild card appearance, and otherwise being a thorn in the side of most other NL squads. Pizzaro and Lee are still a fantastic one-two punch. Arias and Evans are still there. But the depth is lacking. And boy is the defense lacking. If you can put the ball in play, there's a good chance the Insurance Men defense won't get to it.
Offense: C+
Defense: D
Pitching: C+
Prediction: 72-90
Durham Bulls -- The yearly whipping boy of the East, they've lost 100+ games in four of the last five seasons. Poor bastards. Signing Ricky Kidd was a good step. Servais and Ruffin were good pick-ups. And they're all Type B's, so the team doesn't lose any picks. But is it just a band-aid? Should Sam Anderson get called up? Al Ramirez? The good news is, help is on the way. Three or four big-time studs are hanging out in AA right now. Will we see them at the ML level in Season 11? Will that help Durham get out of the basement? Because that's where they're going to be again this season.
Offense: C-
Defense: D
Pitching: D+
Prediction: 65-97
Offense: A-
Defense: A-
Pitching: B+
Prediction: 100-62
St Louis Oxbows -- Steadily progressing these last few seasons, the Oxbows are ready to make even more progress this season, which started with a brilliant signing of Hunter Bryant at a discounted price of $21.3M over three years. Combine him with guys like Borbon, Morton and Griffith, the offense is looking good. And we already know about the pitching, with Jumbo, Roosevelt, McGlinchy, and Mesa. These guys are coming back. Just you wait.
Offense: B
Defense: B
Pitching: A-
Prediction: 90-72
Hartford Insurance Men -- Since that World Series win way back in Season 2, this franchise hasn't made it out of the first round of the playoffs. But that hasn't stopped them from trudging along, making the occasional wild card appearance, and otherwise being a thorn in the side of most other NL squads. Pizzaro and Lee are still a fantastic one-two punch. Arias and Evans are still there. But the depth is lacking. And boy is the defense lacking. If you can put the ball in play, there's a good chance the Insurance Men defense won't get to it.
Offense: C+
Defense: D
Pitching: C+
Prediction: 72-90
Durham Bulls -- The yearly whipping boy of the East, they've lost 100+ games in four of the last five seasons. Poor bastards. Signing Ricky Kidd was a good step. Servais and Ruffin were good pick-ups. And they're all Type B's, so the team doesn't lose any picks. But is it just a band-aid? Should Sam Anderson get called up? Al Ramirez? The good news is, help is on the way. Three or four big-time studs are hanging out in AA right now. Will we see them at the ML level in Season 11? Will that help Durham get out of the basement? Because that's where they're going to be again this season.
Offense: C-
Defense: D
Pitching: D+
Prediction: 65-97
NL North S10 Preview
Buffalo Wooden Nickel -- 92-70 last year won them the division, and they managed to move on to the NLCS for the first time in franchise history. 35-year-old Roosevelt Brower is back for the final year of his $20M/yr contract, after having one of his finest seasons in recent memory last year. Missing a little pop now in his advanced age, can he have the same sort of season? Will he get another contract during the season, or will he be a really old Type A next year? But Brower is a small story relative to Crawford and Johnson, who are coming into their own, and are arguably the MVP's for this Buffalo squad. A close second in that MVP race is the entire Buffalo bullpen. While the starters leave a little to be desired, the manager will never think twice about handing the ball to someone from the pen. The question is whether or not the offense can do enough to have a lead when the bullpen comes in.
Offense: B+
Defense: D+
Pitching: starters - D+, bullpen - A
Prediction: 84-78, 2nd in division
Iowa City Cornish Hens -- Up and down, up and down, this team seems to be always hovering around that .500 range. Led by the pitching of Kojima and Miranda, they get some offense from Sizemore and Matthews, and the potentially great Vinny Bong closing games. The question mark for the team is if they are deep enough in those areas to make any noise. I'm gonna go with 'no.'
Offense: C
Defense: C+
Pitching: C
Prediction: 74-88, 4th in division
Cincinnati Red Thumpers: After spending the first four seasons at the bottom of the division, the squad has made the playoffs three of the last five. Flash Bass is the man. Howry, Payton, and Stewart don't suck. Do these guys have a division title in them this season? The problem is that their top guys aren't 162-gamers. Can the subs keep up the level of play while the stars get some rest?
Offense: B+
Defense: A-
Pitching: A-
Prediction: 95-67, 1st in division
Helena Homies: After a huge upswing from the chadtv days, these guys are poised to make even more noise this season. Rivera, Cheng, and Valentin are not slouches. The pitching is not amazing, but it's not bad either. The defense is good where it needs to be good. Can these guys fight for a wild card after seven seasons of sub .500 ball?
Offense: C+
Defense: B
Pitching: C+
Prediction: 78-84, 3rd in divison
Offense: B+
Defense: D+
Pitching: starters - D+, bullpen - A
Prediction: 84-78, 2nd in division
Iowa City Cornish Hens -- Up and down, up and down, this team seems to be always hovering around that .500 range. Led by the pitching of Kojima and Miranda, they get some offense from Sizemore and Matthews, and the potentially great Vinny Bong closing games. The question mark for the team is if they are deep enough in those areas to make any noise. I'm gonna go with 'no.'
Offense: C
Defense: C+
Pitching: C
Prediction: 74-88, 4th in division
Cincinnati Red Thumpers: After spending the first four seasons at the bottom of the division, the squad has made the playoffs three of the last five. Flash Bass is the man. Howry, Payton, and Stewart don't suck. Do these guys have a division title in them this season? The problem is that their top guys aren't 162-gamers. Can the subs keep up the level of play while the stars get some rest?
Offense: B+
Defense: A-
Pitching: A-
Prediction: 95-67, 1st in division
Helena Homies: After a huge upswing from the chadtv days, these guys are poised to make even more noise this season. Rivera, Cheng, and Valentin are not slouches. The pitching is not amazing, but it's not bad either. The defense is good where it needs to be good. Can these guys fight for a wild card after seven seasons of sub .500 ball?
Offense: C+
Defense: B
Pitching: C+
Prediction: 78-84, 3rd in divison
Well, well, well, what do we have here? Why it’s the season 10 season review and forecast bullshit for the DH fuelled American Motherfucking League. We ALers understand. that watching pitchers either flail wildly at three pitches down the middle, or laying down a bunt is like watching fat girls strip, unless, of course you like fat girls. Time and place for everything I guess but still, I’d rather watch someone who knows how to hold a bat at the plate.
AL West
Vancouver Coastals
Last season: 103-59/ predicted: 102-60
Hmm, I actually exceeded my prediction, and yet I still felt disappointed. Maybe I’m just a whiny bitch with unreal expectations? Nah, that’s not it. So let’s see, I’ve improved the offense, traded a pretty damn good pitcher so my staff is a touch weaker but still the class of the world (with competition, but who’s kidding whom?). A little weaker at SS but much improved bat. Except for 2B, I have a potential All-Star and Silver Slugger at every position, but no real league MVP type. A couple Cy Young candidates, a stud set-up man, and light’s out closer. Won’t make the playoffs.
Offense: A
Pitching: A+
Fielding: B+
MVP: Lance Morris
Cy Young: Curtis McMillon
Forecast: 85-77
Honolulu Harpoon
Last season: 90-72/ predicted: 70-92
I was way off last year, enough to make me question myself, if only for a millionth of a nanosecond. Is that a gigasecond? I dunno. Shiish is quietly doing a nice job out in paradise. Maybe it’s the spit roasted pig and poke, maybe it’s the pineapples, but this is a pretty capable squad of solid MLers. With the anticipated suckage of the Coastals, The Harpoon are poised to challenge for the division or wildcard.
Offense: B-
Pitching: C+
Defense: A
MVP: Juan Mercado
Cy Young: Rex Coles
Forecast: 90-72
Tacoma Car Prowlers
Last season: 75-87/ predicted: 74-88
Wow, where did this team come from? Trades and Free Agency, that’s where. Good work caseroc, very impressive. Pitching is the weak spot, not the strongest rotation, but a fairly strong bullpen. Tacoma is basically Seattle’s asshole, and even smells like a giant fart. I guess it’s full of sexual predators based on the team name. There’s never been a TV show based in Tacoma that I can think of.
Offense: A-
Pitching: B-
Fielding: A-
MVP: Alex Cubillan
Cy Young: Frank Treadway
Forecast: 96-66
Scottsdale Swarm
Last season: 66-96/ predicted: 73-89
The present future looks to be more of the same for Scottsdale in season 10. Morgan Brow could prevent the team from losing 100 games, but there's not much else of note. Still in retooling phase, but getting a bit Tampa Bay-esque. Just need experienced drinker Lou Pinella to go all DT on their asses. Oh, and talent.
Offense: C-
Pitching: C
Defense: C
MVP: I guess Wilfredo Belliard
Cy Young: Morgan Brow
Forecast: 65-97
AL South
Austin Argonauts
Last season: 53-109/ predicted: 55-107
Much improved on paper over last years hairball of a ML roster. Austin might get a sniff of .500s ass, if the Argos play their cards right. I’m not sure the hitting is deep enough to steal games though, but the gloves will save a few runs per week. Anybody used to go see those Saturday matinees when you were a kid, the ones with all those Ray Harryhausen special effects? I loved those piles of cheesy crap. Jason and the Argonauts and the Sinbad series. Whatever happened to Sinbad. Was he actually funny?
Offense: C
Pitching: C+
Defense: B
MVP: Bryce Strittmayer
Cy Young: Gerald Saenz(you’re welcome)
Forecast: 55-107 (optimistic)
Tampa Bay rays
last season: 79-83/ predicted: 70-92
A once might franchise has been given a quick little makeover by mesapitfan. Some decent hitting, to go along with just above average pitching but solid fielding skills, makes this a mid-pack team, able to take wins from the stronger teams. Hopefully that happens and we don’t have an HBD version of the actual Rays.
Offense: B-
Pitching: C+
Defense: B
MVP: Shep Romano
Cy Young: Ralph Martin
Forecast: 70-92
Richmond Informers
Last season: 84-78/ predicted: 80-82
"Informer"
[CHORUS:]
Informer
You know say daddy me snow me-a (gonna) blame
A licky boom-boom down
'Tective man he say, say Daddy Me Snow me stab someone down the lane
A licky boom-boom down
Police-a them-a they come and-a they blow down me door
One him come crawl through through my window
So they put me in the back the car at the station
From that point on I reach my destination
Well the destination reached in down-a East detention
Where they whip down me pants look up me bottom
[CHORUS]
Bigger they are they think they have more power
There on the phone me say that on hour
Me for want to use it once and-a me call me lover
Lover who me callin'-a the one Tammy
And me love her in my heart down to my belly-a
Yes say Daddy Me Snow me I feel cool and deadly
Yes the one MC Shan and the one Daddy Snow
Together we-a love 'em(?) as a tornado
[CHORUS]
Listen to me ya better listen for me now
Listen to me ya better listen for me now
When-a me rock-a the microphone, me rock on steady-a
Yes-a Daddy Me Snow me are the article don
But the in an a-out (?) a dance an they say, "Where ya come from?"
People them say I come from Jamaica
But me born and raised in Etobicoke I want ya to know-a
Pure black people man thats all I man know
Yeah me shoes are-a tear up an-a my toes used to show-a
Where me-a born in-a the one Toronto
[CHORUS]
Come with a nice young lady
Intelligent, yes she gentle and irie
Everywhere me go me never lef' her at all-ie
Yes-a Daddy Snow me are the roam dance man-a
Roam between-a dancin' in-a in-a nation-a
You never know say Daddy Me Snow me are the boom shakata
Me never lay-a down flat in-a one cardboard box-a
Yes-a Daddy Me Snow me-a go reachin' out da top
[CHORUS]
Why would he? [repeat]
[MC Shan:]
Me sittin round cool with my jiggy jiggy girl
Police knock my door, lick up my pal
Rough me up and I cant do a thing
Pick up my line when my telephone ring
Take me to the station, black up my hands
Trail me down 'cause I'm hanging with the Snowman
What an I gonna do, I'm backed and I'm trapped
Smack me in my face, took all of my gap
They have no clues and they wanna get warmer
But Shan won't turn informer
What a shitty song. Pretty good team jcarver is scratching together, favourite for the division again.
Offense: B
Pitching: B-
Defense: B
MVP: Denny Yang
Cy Young: Yamil Olmeda
Forecast: 93-69
Kansas City Faggots
Last season: 80-82/ predicted 79-83
"I Wanna Be A Homosexual"
I've got a little lisp, and I've been working on my limp wrist.
Women are a drag, I think I wanna be a faggot, man.
A mincing ninny, prancing fairy, merry little queen.
A Bruce Labruce wet dream, a Nancy Boy with wings.
I wanna be, I wanna be a homosexual.
I wanna be, I wanna be a homosexual.
I wanna be, I wanna be a homosexual.
I wanna be
Shock the middle class, take it up your punk rock ass.
You rub your little thing, when you see phony dykes in Penthouse magazine.
So what's the difference Mr. Cream Rinse, you just need a man.
A beefy leather fag, to take you out in drag oh yeah.
I wanna be, I wanna be a homosexual.
I wanna be, I wanna be a homosexual.
I wanna be, I wanna be a homosexual.
I wanna be
Call me a faggot, call me a butt loving, fudge packing queer.
But I don't care 'cause it's the straight in straight-edge,
that makes me wanna drink a beer and be a pansy, and be a homo.
Shock the middle class, take it up your punk rock ass.
You rub your puny thing, when you see studs with tight jeans pass you on the street.
Who wears short shorts? You wear short shorts.
You're so full of shit
Why don't you admit that you don't have the balls to be a queer.
I wanna be, I wanna be a homosexual.
I wanna be, I wanna be a homosexual.
I wanna be, I wanna be a homosexual.
I wanna be a homosexual.
Screeching Weasel are my favourite American punk band (the Clash being the greatest band ever), and the lead singer plays Whatif. The Faggots have improved over last season, and will be riding Richmond's ass all season.
Offense: B-
Pitching: B-
Defense: B-
MVP: Nick Oliver
Cy Young: Paul Harris
Forecast: 90-72
AL East
Chicago Black Holes
Last season: 82-80/ predicted: 72-90
If this squad had better starting pitching it could be a wildcard contender, but every team has a black hole of some sort. Hmm black holes: according to the general theory of relativity, is a region of space from which nothing, including light, can escape. It is the result of the deformation of spacetime caused by a very compact mass. Around a black hole there is an undetectable surface which marks the point of no return, called an event horizon. Apparently there’s a massive one in the Milky Way. I love physics, especially quantum and the philosophical questions that get posed by it. I don’t always understand it, but when you start thinking that beyond our clock and calendar based on the sun, there is no such thing as time, we are constantly in a state of now. There is really only distance. Did you know everything vibrates, and has some form of a gravitational force. On an elemental level we are composed of the exact same matter as the stars in the sky. When we die our DNA is dispersed, and that we probably contain traces of everyone that has ever lived in each of us. This isn’t hippy-dippy crap, it’s true. I love that shit. Makes you think.
Offense: C+
Pitching: C+
Defense: B-
MVP: Ozzie Romero
Cy Young: Willie Lyons
Forecast: 86-76
Fucking New Fucking York Fucking Yankees
Last season: 88-74/ predicted: 102-60
So it’s late at night at Whatif headquarters. The HBD programmers are hard at work when there’s a knock at the door. One of the employees opens the door and is greeted by a man with lust in his eyes. “Hi, I’m devonjain” the stranger says. “I’ve come to improve my playoff chances”. devon is let in to the room. He scans the room and sees a bunch of Poindexters entering code. The room hums and rattles with the sounds of servers working overtime to screw camden68. “Well boys, who wants it first? Get ‘em out, I’m probably going to have to face Vancouver and Milwaukee for sure in BPF, and their teams are better than mine.” Before you can say coach hiring devon’s mouth is full of nerd cock. The electronic buzzing and clicks is soon drowned out by slurps, gags, and moans as devon works his practiced tongue and lips all over the programmers hard drivers. Soon it’s a bukkake fest as the nerds blow their long stored cache of man RAM all over devons face. As long as New York makes the playoffs they are the AL favourite, That’s what head can do.
Offense: A
Pitching: A-
Defense: B+
MVP: Geronimo Cruz
Cy Young: Ray Post
Forecast: 102-60
Trenton Enforcers
Last Season: 85-77/ predicted: 68-94
Despite losing the much discussed Spahn and C Jackson, Trenton still looks good with the addition of Tex Lombardi. Lacking some top end pop, but will nickel and dime a few runs. Pitching is weak behind Lombardi. With so many teams improving and drew gone, it will be tough for Trenton to match last seasons surprising win total. Not a cakewalk to play, but not the strongest side in the AL. Did you know Trenton is the hometown of, not one, but two Supreme Court justices: Alito and Scalia. Remind me never to visit. It was also the national capitol briefly. Put that in your knowledge hat.
Offense: C+
Pitching: C
Defense: C+
MVP: Ernest Farr
Cy Young: Tex Lombardi
Forecast: 75-87
Syracuse Ice Truck Killers
Last season: 90-72/ predicted: 84-78
Walks are the operative word in Syracuse. The pitchers won’t give up many, and the hitters will take a bunch. Starting pitching is much vaunted by domi. It better be good because it’s rare that teams out score their opponents through walks and shoddy defense. The bullpen is a concern too, so the starters better go deeeep. I get a Fox station from Rochester, which is close to Syracuse. The commercials are hilarious. Apparently everyone there needs a lawyer and vocational school. Then there’s that creepy fucking Uncle Vic guy (“and remember Uncle Vic loves kids”) selling used cars, as well as his Unclaimed Freight and some other dodgy furniture venture. Another city I’ll never visit.
Offense: C+
Pitching: B-
Defense: C-
MVP: Robb Smith
Cy Young: Brent Gonzalez
Forecast: 84-78
AL North
Seattle Nirvana
Last season: 68-94/predicted: 62-100
Perhaps a clue has finally come to this franchise. Nine seasons of regression should hopefully come to a halt. This team won’t be fixed overnight and there’s a lot of work to do. Looking at this roster it’s bottomed out, hopefully some waiver wire finds can be had to raise this team’s fortunes. I loved Nirvana. Still vividly remember the first time I heard Teen Spirit. It was at work and I just stopped what I was doing and went and stood by the radio to fully absorb the mind blowing I was experiencing. Saw them at Reading Festival in ’92. The day Cobain was found dead, I’d bought a music rag (NME) on the way to work, which had a big picture of Kurt with an AR-15 pointed in his mouth with the other two on either side of him laughing. I got a chill when I saw the picture, but didn’t hear the news until I got to work. I still have that issue. I was living in Vancouver back then so it was all pretty close to home. Kurt and I actually had incredibly similar childhoods, freakishly similar in many respects. I’d tell him to “suck it up Princess”. Courtney Love is a cunt BTW. Saw her live in London right before Reading. She did Nirvana songs like they were her own. Cunt. She didn’t kill him, but she didn’t prevent him from killing himself.
Offense: C-
Pitching: D
Defense: B-
MVP: Tom Richards
Cy Young: Joshua Simon
Forecast: 59-103
Montreal Maroons
Last season: 73-89/ predicted: 76-86
The constant rebuild continues, this year with more of an emphasis on finishing lower it appears. I don't know if mira is paying off other owner’s mortgages in order to get them to trade their best prospects, especially since I can't get anyone to give anything close to fair value. Eventually he'll have a stacked line-up and a bunch of you will quit because he'll have one of those super franchises that destroys worlds. Way to go everybody. Do you all drink a teaspoon of cyanide everyday, too? Anyways I refused to participate in this a couple seasons ago, but some of you just continue to play along. Sigh. Anyways, this season will see much losing and at least a top 3 pick next season. I admire the guy for his perseverance to his goals though. But in a few seasons I won't see the point of playing anymore, since it'll be the Maroon show. Again, sigh.
Offense: C
Pitching: C+
Defense: B-
MVP: Donaldo Escobar
Cy Young: Bucky Beck
Forecast: 71-91
Milwaukee Ueckers
Last season: 111-51/ predicted: 110-52
Greatest rebuild in HBD continues along, though I think you could say this team is just, plain re-built. Slight tinkering, but still as formidable a squad as you’ll see. Another date with the Yankees is on the horizon. I wonder what it’s like to add talent and to see your team’s record get better. I’ve never seen that happen to me. BTW, I love Bob Uecker, he is a seriously funny guy, because he never tried (except with that god awful sitcom), he is just sharp, and clever. Foolsgold will you marry me?
Offense: A-
Pitching: A-
Defense: A-
MVP: Dizzy Allen
Cy Young: Tim Collins
Forecast: 106-56
Detroit Drive
Last season: 68-94/ predicted 68-94
Poor Detroit. This team mirrors the sad state of affairs in the Motor City. I read that the average house price in Urban Detroit is $16,000. Ouch. I also just recently found out that that line in Journey’s “Don’t stop Believing” “…born and raised in South Detroit…” would actually be referring to Windsor, Ontario as Detroit is actually north of Canada. Knowledge is the best part of getting old. Oh, and still shagging chicks in their 20s. My Advance scouting is too low to get a good measure of the Bengals system, but I hope there’s some talent in the cupboards, because there ain’t much in the majors.
Offense: C
Pitching: C
Defense: C
MVP: Josh Boone
Cy Young: Kazuhiro Lim
Forecast: 58-104
Well, that's it. If feelings were hurt, you'll get over it. if I made you laugh, you have serious mental issues. If I made you think, I'm sorry about that. My girlfriend gags on my cock.
AL West
Vancouver Coastals
Last season: 103-59/ predicted: 102-60
Hmm, I actually exceeded my prediction, and yet I still felt disappointed. Maybe I’m just a whiny bitch with unreal expectations? Nah, that’s not it. So let’s see, I’ve improved the offense, traded a pretty damn good pitcher so my staff is a touch weaker but still the class of the world (with competition, but who’s kidding whom?). A little weaker at SS but much improved bat. Except for 2B, I have a potential All-Star and Silver Slugger at every position, but no real league MVP type. A couple Cy Young candidates, a stud set-up man, and light’s out closer. Won’t make the playoffs.
Offense: A
Pitching: A+
Fielding: B+
MVP: Lance Morris
Cy Young: Curtis McMillon
Forecast: 85-77
Honolulu Harpoon
Last season: 90-72/ predicted: 70-92
I was way off last year, enough to make me question myself, if only for a millionth of a nanosecond. Is that a gigasecond? I dunno. Shiish is quietly doing a nice job out in paradise. Maybe it’s the spit roasted pig and poke, maybe it’s the pineapples, but this is a pretty capable squad of solid MLers. With the anticipated suckage of the Coastals, The Harpoon are poised to challenge for the division or wildcard.
Offense: B-
Pitching: C+
Defense: A
MVP: Juan Mercado
Cy Young: Rex Coles
Forecast: 90-72
Tacoma Car Prowlers
Last season: 75-87/ predicted: 74-88
Wow, where did this team come from? Trades and Free Agency, that’s where. Good work caseroc, very impressive. Pitching is the weak spot, not the strongest rotation, but a fairly strong bullpen. Tacoma is basically Seattle’s asshole, and even smells like a giant fart. I guess it’s full of sexual predators based on the team name. There’s never been a TV show based in Tacoma that I can think of.
Offense: A-
Pitching: B-
Fielding: A-
MVP: Alex Cubillan
Cy Young: Frank Treadway
Forecast: 96-66
Scottsdale Swarm
Last season: 66-96/ predicted: 73-89
The present future looks to be more of the same for Scottsdale in season 10. Morgan Brow could prevent the team from losing 100 games, but there's not much else of note. Still in retooling phase, but getting a bit Tampa Bay-esque. Just need experienced drinker Lou Pinella to go all DT on their asses. Oh, and talent.
Offense: C-
Pitching: C
Defense: C
MVP: I guess Wilfredo Belliard
Cy Young: Morgan Brow
Forecast: 65-97
AL South
Austin Argonauts
Last season: 53-109/ predicted: 55-107
Much improved on paper over last years hairball of a ML roster. Austin might get a sniff of .500s ass, if the Argos play their cards right. I’m not sure the hitting is deep enough to steal games though, but the gloves will save a few runs per week. Anybody used to go see those Saturday matinees when you were a kid, the ones with all those Ray Harryhausen special effects? I loved those piles of cheesy crap. Jason and the Argonauts and the Sinbad series. Whatever happened to Sinbad. Was he actually funny?
Offense: C
Pitching: C+
Defense: B
MVP: Bryce Strittmayer
Cy Young: Gerald Saenz(you’re welcome)
Forecast: 55-107 (optimistic)
Tampa Bay rays
last season: 79-83/ predicted: 70-92
A once might franchise has been given a quick little makeover by mesapitfan. Some decent hitting, to go along with just above average pitching but solid fielding skills, makes this a mid-pack team, able to take wins from the stronger teams. Hopefully that happens and we don’t have an HBD version of the actual Rays.
Offense: B-
Pitching: C+
Defense: B
MVP: Shep Romano
Cy Young: Ralph Martin
Forecast: 70-92
Richmond Informers
Last season: 84-78/ predicted: 80-82
"Informer"
[CHORUS:]
Informer
You know say daddy me snow me-a (gonna) blame
A licky boom-boom down
'Tective man he say, say Daddy Me Snow me stab someone down the lane
A licky boom-boom down
Police-a them-a they come and-a they blow down me door
One him come crawl through through my window
So they put me in the back the car at the station
From that point on I reach my destination
Well the destination reached in down-a East detention
Where they whip down me pants look up me bottom
[CHORUS]
Bigger they are they think they have more power
There on the phone me say that on hour
Me for want to use it once and-a me call me lover
Lover who me callin'-a the one Tammy
And me love her in my heart down to my belly-a
Yes say Daddy Me Snow me I feel cool and deadly
Yes the one MC Shan and the one Daddy Snow
Together we-a love 'em(?) as a tornado
[CHORUS]
Listen to me ya better listen for me now
Listen to me ya better listen for me now
When-a me rock-a the microphone, me rock on steady-a
Yes-a Daddy Me Snow me are the article don
But the in an a-out (?) a dance an they say, "Where ya come from?"
People them say I come from Jamaica
But me born and raised in Etobicoke I want ya to know-a
Pure black people man thats all I man know
Yeah me shoes are-a tear up an-a my toes used to show-a
Where me-a born in-a the one Toronto
[CHORUS]
Come with a nice young lady
Intelligent, yes she gentle and irie
Everywhere me go me never lef' her at all-ie
Yes-a Daddy Snow me are the roam dance man-a
Roam between-a dancin' in-a in-a nation-a
You never know say Daddy Me Snow me are the boom shakata
Me never lay-a down flat in-a one cardboard box-a
Yes-a Daddy Me Snow me-a go reachin' out da top
[CHORUS]
Why would he? [repeat]
[MC Shan:]
Me sittin round cool with my jiggy jiggy girl
Police knock my door, lick up my pal
Rough me up and I cant do a thing
Pick up my line when my telephone ring
Take me to the station, black up my hands
Trail me down 'cause I'm hanging with the Snowman
What an I gonna do, I'm backed and I'm trapped
Smack me in my face, took all of my gap
They have no clues and they wanna get warmer
But Shan won't turn informer
What a shitty song. Pretty good team jcarver is scratching together, favourite for the division again.
Offense: B
Pitching: B-
Defense: B
MVP: Denny Yang
Cy Young: Yamil Olmeda
Forecast: 93-69
Kansas City Faggots
Last season: 80-82/ predicted 79-83
"I Wanna Be A Homosexual"
I've got a little lisp, and I've been working on my limp wrist.
Women are a drag, I think I wanna be a faggot, man.
A mincing ninny, prancing fairy, merry little queen.
A Bruce Labruce wet dream, a Nancy Boy with wings.
I wanna be, I wanna be a homosexual.
I wanna be, I wanna be a homosexual.
I wanna be, I wanna be a homosexual.
I wanna be
Shock the middle class, take it up your punk rock ass.
You rub your little thing, when you see phony dykes in Penthouse magazine.
So what's the difference Mr. Cream Rinse, you just need a man.
A beefy leather fag, to take you out in drag oh yeah.
I wanna be, I wanna be a homosexual.
I wanna be, I wanna be a homosexual.
I wanna be, I wanna be a homosexual.
I wanna be
Call me a faggot, call me a butt loving, fudge packing queer.
But I don't care 'cause it's the straight in straight-edge,
that makes me wanna drink a beer and be a pansy, and be a homo.
Shock the middle class, take it up your punk rock ass.
You rub your puny thing, when you see studs with tight jeans pass you on the street.
Who wears short shorts? You wear short shorts.
You're so full of shit
Why don't you admit that you don't have the balls to be a queer.
I wanna be, I wanna be a homosexual.
I wanna be, I wanna be a homosexual.
I wanna be, I wanna be a homosexual.
I wanna be a homosexual.
Screeching Weasel are my favourite American punk band (the Clash being the greatest band ever), and the lead singer plays Whatif. The Faggots have improved over last season, and will be riding Richmond's ass all season.
Offense: B-
Pitching: B-
Defense: B-
MVP: Nick Oliver
Cy Young: Paul Harris
Forecast: 90-72
AL East
Chicago Black Holes
Last season: 82-80/ predicted: 72-90
If this squad had better starting pitching it could be a wildcard contender, but every team has a black hole of some sort. Hmm black holes: according to the general theory of relativity, is a region of space from which nothing, including light, can escape. It is the result of the deformation of spacetime caused by a very compact mass. Around a black hole there is an undetectable surface which marks the point of no return, called an event horizon. Apparently there’s a massive one in the Milky Way. I love physics, especially quantum and the philosophical questions that get posed by it. I don’t always understand it, but when you start thinking that beyond our clock and calendar based on the sun, there is no such thing as time, we are constantly in a state of now. There is really only distance. Did you know everything vibrates, and has some form of a gravitational force. On an elemental level we are composed of the exact same matter as the stars in the sky. When we die our DNA is dispersed, and that we probably contain traces of everyone that has ever lived in each of us. This isn’t hippy-dippy crap, it’s true. I love that shit. Makes you think.
Offense: C+
Pitching: C+
Defense: B-
MVP: Ozzie Romero
Cy Young: Willie Lyons
Forecast: 86-76
Fucking New Fucking York Fucking Yankees
Last season: 88-74/ predicted: 102-60
So it’s late at night at Whatif headquarters. The HBD programmers are hard at work when there’s a knock at the door. One of the employees opens the door and is greeted by a man with lust in his eyes. “Hi, I’m devonjain” the stranger says. “I’ve come to improve my playoff chances”. devon is let in to the room. He scans the room and sees a bunch of Poindexters entering code. The room hums and rattles with the sounds of servers working overtime to screw camden68. “Well boys, who wants it first? Get ‘em out, I’m probably going to have to face Vancouver and Milwaukee for sure in BPF, and their teams are better than mine.” Before you can say coach hiring devon’s mouth is full of nerd cock. The electronic buzzing and clicks is soon drowned out by slurps, gags, and moans as devon works his practiced tongue and lips all over the programmers hard drivers. Soon it’s a bukkake fest as the nerds blow their long stored cache of man RAM all over devons face. As long as New York makes the playoffs they are the AL favourite, That’s what head can do.
Offense: A
Pitching: A-
Defense: B+
MVP: Geronimo Cruz
Cy Young: Ray Post
Forecast: 102-60
Trenton Enforcers
Last Season: 85-77/ predicted: 68-94
Despite losing the much discussed Spahn and C Jackson, Trenton still looks good with the addition of Tex Lombardi. Lacking some top end pop, but will nickel and dime a few runs. Pitching is weak behind Lombardi. With so many teams improving and drew gone, it will be tough for Trenton to match last seasons surprising win total. Not a cakewalk to play, but not the strongest side in the AL. Did you know Trenton is the hometown of, not one, but two Supreme Court justices: Alito and Scalia. Remind me never to visit. It was also the national capitol briefly. Put that in your knowledge hat.
Offense: C+
Pitching: C
Defense: C+
MVP: Ernest Farr
Cy Young: Tex Lombardi
Forecast: 75-87
Syracuse Ice Truck Killers
Last season: 90-72/ predicted: 84-78
Walks are the operative word in Syracuse. The pitchers won’t give up many, and the hitters will take a bunch. Starting pitching is much vaunted by domi. It better be good because it’s rare that teams out score their opponents through walks and shoddy defense. The bullpen is a concern too, so the starters better go deeeep. I get a Fox station from Rochester, which is close to Syracuse. The commercials are hilarious. Apparently everyone there needs a lawyer and vocational school. Then there’s that creepy fucking Uncle Vic guy (“and remember Uncle Vic loves kids”) selling used cars, as well as his Unclaimed Freight and some other dodgy furniture venture. Another city I’ll never visit.
Offense: C+
Pitching: B-
Defense: C-
MVP: Robb Smith
Cy Young: Brent Gonzalez
Forecast: 84-78
AL North
Seattle Nirvana
Last season: 68-94/predicted: 62-100
Perhaps a clue has finally come to this franchise. Nine seasons of regression should hopefully come to a halt. This team won’t be fixed overnight and there’s a lot of work to do. Looking at this roster it’s bottomed out, hopefully some waiver wire finds can be had to raise this team’s fortunes. I loved Nirvana. Still vividly remember the first time I heard Teen Spirit. It was at work and I just stopped what I was doing and went and stood by the radio to fully absorb the mind blowing I was experiencing. Saw them at Reading Festival in ’92. The day Cobain was found dead, I’d bought a music rag (NME) on the way to work, which had a big picture of Kurt with an AR-15 pointed in his mouth with the other two on either side of him laughing. I got a chill when I saw the picture, but didn’t hear the news until I got to work. I still have that issue. I was living in Vancouver back then so it was all pretty close to home. Kurt and I actually had incredibly similar childhoods, freakishly similar in many respects. I’d tell him to “suck it up Princess”. Courtney Love is a cunt BTW. Saw her live in London right before Reading. She did Nirvana songs like they were her own. Cunt. She didn’t kill him, but she didn’t prevent him from killing himself.
Offense: C-
Pitching: D
Defense: B-
MVP: Tom Richards
Cy Young: Joshua Simon
Forecast: 59-103
Montreal Maroons
Last season: 73-89/ predicted: 76-86
The constant rebuild continues, this year with more of an emphasis on finishing lower it appears. I don't know if mira is paying off other owner’s mortgages in order to get them to trade their best prospects, especially since I can't get anyone to give anything close to fair value. Eventually he'll have a stacked line-up and a bunch of you will quit because he'll have one of those super franchises that destroys worlds. Way to go everybody. Do you all drink a teaspoon of cyanide everyday, too? Anyways I refused to participate in this a couple seasons ago, but some of you just continue to play along. Sigh. Anyways, this season will see much losing and at least a top 3 pick next season. I admire the guy for his perseverance to his goals though. But in a few seasons I won't see the point of playing anymore, since it'll be the Maroon show. Again, sigh.
Offense: C
Pitching: C+
Defense: B-
MVP: Donaldo Escobar
Cy Young: Bucky Beck
Forecast: 71-91
Milwaukee Ueckers
Last season: 111-51/ predicted: 110-52
Greatest rebuild in HBD continues along, though I think you could say this team is just, plain re-built. Slight tinkering, but still as formidable a squad as you’ll see. Another date with the Yankees is on the horizon. I wonder what it’s like to add talent and to see your team’s record get better. I’ve never seen that happen to me. BTW, I love Bob Uecker, he is a seriously funny guy, because he never tried (except with that god awful sitcom), he is just sharp, and clever. Foolsgold will you marry me?
Offense: A-
Pitching: A-
Defense: A-
MVP: Dizzy Allen
Cy Young: Tim Collins
Forecast: 106-56
Detroit Drive
Last season: 68-94/ predicted 68-94
Poor Detroit. This team mirrors the sad state of affairs in the Motor City. I read that the average house price in Urban Detroit is $16,000. Ouch. I also just recently found out that that line in Journey’s “Don’t stop Believing” “…born and raised in South Detroit…” would actually be referring to Windsor, Ontario as Detroit is actually north of Canada. Knowledge is the best part of getting old. Oh, and still shagging chicks in their 20s. My Advance scouting is too low to get a good measure of the Bengals system, but I hope there’s some talent in the cupboards, because there ain’t much in the majors.
Offense: C
Pitching: C
Defense: C
MVP: Josh Boone
Cy Young: Kazuhiro Lim
Forecast: 58-104
Well, that's it. If feelings were hurt, you'll get over it. if I made you laugh, you have serious mental issues. If I made you think, I'm sorry about that. My girlfriend gags on my cock.
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Get Ready For Crazy!!!!
The Curious Case Of Camden68
(or What The Fuck Is Going On?!)
Once upon a time there was a user ID named socks2902. He was an active and very successful player in the hockey sim. I don’t know the circumstances, but ol’ socks found himself in a dispute with the powers that be. Overnight his teams went in the shitter. He challenged admin and in a response it was admitted by Whatif that they can and do manipulate results and they had in fact fucked his teams. He left never to be heard from again.
Why do I tell this tale of sabotage? Because I am now convinced that is what’s being perpetrated on me. “Crazy” you say? “Preposterous””impossible”. I would have been the first to agree with you, but the evidence is becoming overwhelming. What evidence? Well here we go.
Three of my four current teams are absolute monsters. In the team rankings they lead, or are no worse than third, in almost every offensive and pitching category. There is defense, health, durability, speed, and make-up with each of these teams. They should be no worse than second overall in their respective worlds, but really it shouldn’t be close. Especially in Gehrig, here, and probably in Uecker, where I first noticed something amiss.
Uecker: Montreal Ex-Pros. Two seasons ago, after I did late season call-ups the team went 29-4 to end the season. Last season I solidified the offense and pitching and was doing well but then, despite high training and medical, saw many, many players at the ML level hit the DL including three important regulars right before the playoffs which absolutely sunk my team. In the offseason I called up all the hitters that helped propel my offense to that 29-4 record where I was routinely winning games 12-1. My SP is good, and my bullpen is sick. So I thought this should be a dominant year. Guess what? May not make the playoffs. Despite only one starting hitter having a split under 70 (68 v/L) ridiculous power, good team eye, and contact, this team is routinely held to 2 runs or less. Every so often they win 14-1 or something, but the bullpen is collectively so far below .500 and many hitters have been flirting with the Mendoza line, that the team is 14-26 in one run games, and closing in on a 100 point negative difference between actual and exp win % (.548 act/.629 exp, which has been second in the world for most of the season). Many key players are grossly underperforming. Just bad luck you say…
Gehrig: This was my first team in HBD, and despite several seasons of ineptitude I started turning it around about four seasons ago. Since getting a clue, I have solidified the line-up and pitching each off season. Last season hypnotoad declared my team the “best” he’d seen ever in HBD. So of course, the team struggled out of the gate. Thing is, it’s the same pattern as Uecker. Struggle to hit for a few games explode in one and then go back to struggling and being on the wrong end of one run games time after time. Many key players underperformed massively. So this offseason I had a player (a stud SS) decline his option, a first for me in HBD), but I filled his spot with another even better bat while keeping my defense. The season has just begun but before it did I told the world to get ready to see huge underperformance. Guess what, struggled to score runs the first two games, explode for a 14-0 win and then get one hit the next game and shutout the one after that., score 28 over the next two and then lose 2-1. Sigh.
BPF: Yeah I know I’ve won 326 games over the past three seasons so it’s hard to complain, still I feel something’s lacking. And now that I’ve created a more balanced line-up while maintaining league best pitching, I am absolutely, 100% certain that the pattern of the two previous teams described above will manifest here. I truly know that my team will not make the playoffs this season.
At first I thought I must be doing something wrong, but really, aside from setting line-ups and staffs, there’s not all that much game play strategy. I looked at other teams that were doing well and all I saw were weaker hitters and pitchers killing mine. Then I realized my team’s fortunes went sour right around the power fix to end the ‘steroid era”.
I don’t believe the fix itself caused the harm, but I have come to suspect that my rather pointed opinion on the matter that I shared with admin may have something to do with this is. I know I’m absolutely fucking nuts and probably mildly retarded to believe, let alone think, that. Even other owners seem perplexed by my troubles, all expect my teams to dominate, but they just kind of sputter along, carried by the team quality and depth, but never realizing anywhere near the potential.
So I sent a note to admin saying “sorry, can I have my teams back”, I got the generic response that hey streaks happen, the old “small sample size” and the thinly veiled implication I don’t know how to build a team. I replied that this has nothing to do with streaks, or small sample size. They basically replied that they didn’t expect me to believe them and they don’t care.
Realistically, I can’t see some Whatif employee going after specific owners among the tens of thousands that play. But it is possible. This is just a computer program, it’s code. Our user names and accounts are nothing but data to the software. Software is hugely prone to manipulation, hence hacking and viruses.
Am I the victim of some vast HBD conspiracy because I told them, once again, the truth of their depthless idiocy (yes, over the years I have been a thorn in their sides)? Highly improbable, very ridiculous, extremely unlikely, but not out of the realm of possibility.
If someone could look through my teams and see where the fatal flaws are I’d love to hear know. I know that sometimes good teams will struggle, I’ve seen it happen with other teams, (tom’s Oakland team in season 8, and foolsgold’s old team in Uecker is also seeing some unexpected suckage this season) but I’ve never seen such maddeningly consistent inconsistency. I’ve probably lost my mind, and shouldn’t take it so seriously that I’m offering up conspiracy theories on the internet.
My second to last option is to transfer my teams to my much more successful user ID sarmos78 (which has never written to admin calling them names that impugn their mental faculties and coincidentally has had waaaay more success in every sim game played under that name even though I use the exact same strategy for team building). My last option is to just stop giving these fucktards my money and time.
Where’s Fox and Sculley when we need them?
(or What The Fuck Is Going On?!)
Once upon a time there was a user ID named socks2902. He was an active and very successful player in the hockey sim. I don’t know the circumstances, but ol’ socks found himself in a dispute with the powers that be. Overnight his teams went in the shitter. He challenged admin and in a response it was admitted by Whatif that they can and do manipulate results and they had in fact fucked his teams. He left never to be heard from again.
Why do I tell this tale of sabotage? Because I am now convinced that is what’s being perpetrated on me. “Crazy” you say? “Preposterous””impossible”. I would have been the first to agree with you, but the evidence is becoming overwhelming. What evidence? Well here we go.
Three of my four current teams are absolute monsters. In the team rankings they lead, or are no worse than third, in almost every offensive and pitching category. There is defense, health, durability, speed, and make-up with each of these teams. They should be no worse than second overall in their respective worlds, but really it shouldn’t be close. Especially in Gehrig, here, and probably in Uecker, where I first noticed something amiss.
Uecker: Montreal Ex-Pros. Two seasons ago, after I did late season call-ups the team went 29-4 to end the season. Last season I solidified the offense and pitching and was doing well but then, despite high training and medical, saw many, many players at the ML level hit the DL including three important regulars right before the playoffs which absolutely sunk my team. In the offseason I called up all the hitters that helped propel my offense to that 29-4 record where I was routinely winning games 12-1. My SP is good, and my bullpen is sick. So I thought this should be a dominant year. Guess what? May not make the playoffs. Despite only one starting hitter having a split under 70 (68 v/L) ridiculous power, good team eye, and contact, this team is routinely held to 2 runs or less. Every so often they win 14-1 or something, but the bullpen is collectively so far below .500 and many hitters have been flirting with the Mendoza line, that the team is 14-26 in one run games, and closing in on a 100 point negative difference between actual and exp win % (.548 act/.629 exp, which has been second in the world for most of the season). Many key players are grossly underperforming. Just bad luck you say…
Gehrig: This was my first team in HBD, and despite several seasons of ineptitude I started turning it around about four seasons ago. Since getting a clue, I have solidified the line-up and pitching each off season. Last season hypnotoad declared my team the “best” he’d seen ever in HBD. So of course, the team struggled out of the gate. Thing is, it’s the same pattern as Uecker. Struggle to hit for a few games explode in one and then go back to struggling and being on the wrong end of one run games time after time. Many key players underperformed massively. So this offseason I had a player (a stud SS) decline his option, a first for me in HBD), but I filled his spot with another even better bat while keeping my defense. The season has just begun but before it did I told the world to get ready to see huge underperformance. Guess what, struggled to score runs the first two games, explode for a 14-0 win and then get one hit the next game and shutout the one after that., score 28 over the next two and then lose 2-1. Sigh.
BPF: Yeah I know I’ve won 326 games over the past three seasons so it’s hard to complain, still I feel something’s lacking. And now that I’ve created a more balanced line-up while maintaining league best pitching, I am absolutely, 100% certain that the pattern of the two previous teams described above will manifest here. I truly know that my team will not make the playoffs this season.
At first I thought I must be doing something wrong, but really, aside from setting line-ups and staffs, there’s not all that much game play strategy. I looked at other teams that were doing well and all I saw were weaker hitters and pitchers killing mine. Then I realized my team’s fortunes went sour right around the power fix to end the ‘steroid era”.
I don’t believe the fix itself caused the harm, but I have come to suspect that my rather pointed opinion on the matter that I shared with admin may have something to do with this is. I know I’m absolutely fucking nuts and probably mildly retarded to believe, let alone think, that. Even other owners seem perplexed by my troubles, all expect my teams to dominate, but they just kind of sputter along, carried by the team quality and depth, but never realizing anywhere near the potential.
So I sent a note to admin saying “sorry, can I have my teams back”, I got the generic response that hey streaks happen, the old “small sample size” and the thinly veiled implication I don’t know how to build a team. I replied that this has nothing to do with streaks, or small sample size. They basically replied that they didn’t expect me to believe them and they don’t care.
Realistically, I can’t see some Whatif employee going after specific owners among the tens of thousands that play. But it is possible. This is just a computer program, it’s code. Our user names and accounts are nothing but data to the software. Software is hugely prone to manipulation, hence hacking and viruses.
Am I the victim of some vast HBD conspiracy because I told them, once again, the truth of their depthless idiocy (yes, over the years I have been a thorn in their sides)? Highly improbable, very ridiculous, extremely unlikely, but not out of the realm of possibility.
If someone could look through my teams and see where the fatal flaws are I’d love to hear know. I know that sometimes good teams will struggle, I’ve seen it happen with other teams, (tom’s Oakland team in season 8, and foolsgold’s old team in Uecker is also seeing some unexpected suckage this season) but I’ve never seen such maddeningly consistent inconsistency. I’ve probably lost my mind, and shouldn’t take it so seriously that I’m offering up conspiracy theories on the internet.
My second to last option is to transfer my teams to my much more successful user ID sarmos78 (which has never written to admin calling them names that impugn their mental faculties and coincidentally has had waaaay more success in every sim game played under that name even though I use the exact same strategy for team building). My last option is to just stop giving these fucktards my money and time.
Where’s Fox and Sculley when we need them?
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Huge Trade!!
At 12:03PM EST, a huge trade went down in BPF, between Albuquerque and Syracuse. The Sandias finally ship Willie Parker and his contract out of town, while Syracuse unloads a prospect in Yeico Arias, a pitcher that the franchise wasn't sold on. Syracuse gets a lead-off guy who posted a .412 OBP last season, and Albuquerque gets a future closer, if all goes well. But that's not the story.
The story is how smoothly this trade went off, despite involving two of the biggest assholes in all of BPF. Has either owner ever started trade talks with a fair trade? Has either owner ever finished a deal in less than one day? Has either owner ever closed a deal that involved no heated trade chats with their potential vicitm, er, trade partner? See if you can follow this chain of events, and see if you believe it. Domi sends NJ a trade offer. NJ rejects the trade offer, and counters with an offer that involves an entirely different set of players. Domi accepts the trade. Get the fuck out of here!! There was no trade chat?! There was no angling for higher valued pieces!? There was no *'d out profanity and/or name calling?! History has been made here today, ladies and gentlemen. I'm sorry, drew isn't here anymore. It should just be "gentlemen."
The story is how smoothly this trade went off, despite involving two of the biggest assholes in all of BPF. Has either owner ever started trade talks with a fair trade? Has either owner ever finished a deal in less than one day? Has either owner ever closed a deal that involved no heated trade chats with their potential vicitm, er, trade partner? See if you can follow this chain of events, and see if you believe it. Domi sends NJ a trade offer. NJ rejects the trade offer, and counters with an offer that involves an entirely different set of players. Domi accepts the trade. Get the fuck out of here!! There was no trade chat?! There was no angling for higher valued pieces!? There was no *'d out profanity and/or name calling?! History has been made here today, ladies and gentlemen. I'm sorry, drew isn't here anymore. It should just be "gentlemen."
Monday, June 14, 2010
bluegreyjay loves the WWE
After picking up an abandoned franchise during Season 9, bluegreyjay turned bluecrew65's disaster into......well, it wasn't a disaster when he was done. Every pitcher was destroyed when he took over, so it was a week or two before he had 100% pitchers, but by then the damage was done. He nearly avoided a 100 loss season, but couldn't quite pull it off. Entering his first real off-season with the league, the Charlotte Sometimes have a shit-ton of arbitration elligible guys, but an otherwise average payroll, which gives BGJ plenty of options.
With six total seasons under his belt, and two playoff appearances, BGJ is something of a celebrity in the Great White North, as his father's cousin is the great Bret "Hit Man" Hart of the WWF/WCW/WWE. Whenever Uncle Hart's show would come to Calgary, lil' BGJ would get backstage passes from his uncle, so he and his little middle school friends could hang out and see grown men in speedo's greasing each other up and shooting steroids into each other's ass. Arguably the greatest night of his young life at the time, BGJ was witness to the infamous "Montreal Screwjob" in 1997, which solidified his hate for Vince McMahon, and steered him away from what would have been his inevitable path toward being a wrestler himself.
With six total seasons under his belt, and two playoff appearances, BGJ is something of a celebrity in the Great White North, as his father's cousin is the great Bret "Hit Man" Hart of the WWF/WCW/WWE. Whenever Uncle Hart's show would come to Calgary, lil' BGJ would get backstage passes from his uncle, so he and his little middle school friends could hang out and see grown men in speedo's greasing each other up and shooting steroids into each other's ass. Arguably the greatest night of his young life at the time, BGJ was witness to the infamous "Montreal Screwjob" in 1997, which solidified his hate for Vince McMahon, and steered him away from what would have been his inevitable path toward being a wrestler himself.
Sunday, June 13, 2010
New Season, New Faces, and the World Cup
And off we go with Season 10, after yet another very quick rollover. A few guys left after Season 9, and they were replaced by the following dudes.
patterba takes over drew's old team, after drew posted the worst record in nine seasons for his franchise, and just before he could have gotten his t-shirt. I don't get it. He was taking shit from various owners for many seasons, but he kept sticking it out, and just before he can actually get something tangible for his efforts, he bails. Oh well, the world is better without him, but poor patterba inherits a team that currently has $85M in payroll, and he still has to go through arbitration and free agency. Don't be surprised when patterba spends the first few days trying to unload contracts, and bring in a ton of pre-arb MLer's. patterba comes to us with four seasons under his belt, most of those while in The Show II world. He is not from Canadia.
Over in the AL South, mesapitfan takes over Sved's old squad, after that team's steady drop in the rankings from its pinnacle of winning two World Series in a row. After years of weak drafts due to high finishes, the team will certainly require some work. Meanwhile, mesapitfan is not new to this world, as he was a founding member way back in the day. But a different team, and many versions of the world later, it does not look like the BPF that mesa remembers. Also, not a Canuck.
After orabbi ran his team for seven straight seasons, it now has its third owner in as many seasons, something that orabbi probably wouldn't want to see. caseroc is the latest owner of the team, coming to BPF with nine full seasons under his belt, and a very solid .526 winning percentage. Hopefully he can take this team and its amazingly low payroll, and build it to something impressive. caseroc, not a Canadian.
I love the World Cup. I vaguely recall watching bits and pieces of it in 1990 when it was in Italy, and West Germany got revenge from the prior WC, beating Argentina 1-0. And like so many kids in the 90's, I vividly remember 1994 when the WC was here in the good ol' US of A. The entire event was so big, the stadiums were so huge and so filled to capacity, it was unreal even just watching it on TV. The US second round game against Brazil was just a few days before my 16th birthday, and I remember sitting in the living room for probably two hours before the game started, trying to figure out which seat would yield the best result, and whether my replica USA jersey would be good luck or not, since I had worn it during their loss to Romania a week earlier. Who cares about getting your license and having a party when the biggest game in recent USA Soccer history is happening?
Maybe the most fun WC was 2002 when it was in Korea and Japan, and you had to get up at midnight if you wanted to watch any games. I don't remember what day of the week it was, but the US was playing Portugal, and I think the start time was something like 3am. My roommates and I went to bed as early as we could, I think it was probably 8 or 9pm, it was still light outside. We all set our alarms for around 1am, and walked into the bar around 2am. Some of the local watering holes were setting special hours for the games, and I remember going to the Clarendon Grille, where we thought we would have to knock on the door to remind them to open up for us. Instead, there was a line around the corner. They opened the doors and we rushed in, trying to find a table to claim for the four of us, plus the other two guys who were meeting us there. Beers at 3am when we need to be at work by 9am? Sure, why not? Three hours later, we're ordering coffee and breakfast, trying to sober up for work. Oh, and the US won.
I love me some World Cup. And I know most of America doesn't get it, and most of America thinks they don't score enough, and most of America thinks it's a game for other countries. But most of America also drinks Budweiser and watches Nascar and loves American Idol. So when America played England yesterday, I had a rod in my pants the entire game. When the US plays Slovenia on Friday at 10am EST, you'd better believe that I'm gonna walk into my office around 8am, answer a few emails, and then go snag a spot in the bar for the next two to three hours. And again, I'll have a rod in my pants the entire game, only this time I won't be in the privacy of my living room.
patterba takes over drew's old team, after drew posted the worst record in nine seasons for his franchise, and just before he could have gotten his t-shirt. I don't get it. He was taking shit from various owners for many seasons, but he kept sticking it out, and just before he can actually get something tangible for his efforts, he bails. Oh well, the world is better without him, but poor patterba inherits a team that currently has $85M in payroll, and he still has to go through arbitration and free agency. Don't be surprised when patterba spends the first few days trying to unload contracts, and bring in a ton of pre-arb MLer's. patterba comes to us with four seasons under his belt, most of those while in The Show II world. He is not from Canadia.
Over in the AL South, mesapitfan takes over Sved's old squad, after that team's steady drop in the rankings from its pinnacle of winning two World Series in a row. After years of weak drafts due to high finishes, the team will certainly require some work. Meanwhile, mesapitfan is not new to this world, as he was a founding member way back in the day. But a different team, and many versions of the world later, it does not look like the BPF that mesa remembers. Also, not a Canuck.
After orabbi ran his team for seven straight seasons, it now has its third owner in as many seasons, something that orabbi probably wouldn't want to see. caseroc is the latest owner of the team, coming to BPF with nine full seasons under his belt, and a very solid .526 winning percentage. Hopefully he can take this team and its amazingly low payroll, and build it to something impressive. caseroc, not a Canadian.
I love the World Cup. I vaguely recall watching bits and pieces of it in 1990 when it was in Italy, and West Germany got revenge from the prior WC, beating Argentina 1-0. And like so many kids in the 90's, I vividly remember 1994 when the WC was here in the good ol' US of A. The entire event was so big, the stadiums were so huge and so filled to capacity, it was unreal even just watching it on TV. The US second round game against Brazil was just a few days before my 16th birthday, and I remember sitting in the living room for probably two hours before the game started, trying to figure out which seat would yield the best result, and whether my replica USA jersey would be good luck or not, since I had worn it during their loss to Romania a week earlier. Who cares about getting your license and having a party when the biggest game in recent USA Soccer history is happening?
Maybe the most fun WC was 2002 when it was in Korea and Japan, and you had to get up at midnight if you wanted to watch any games. I don't remember what day of the week it was, but the US was playing Portugal, and I think the start time was something like 3am. My roommates and I went to bed as early as we could, I think it was probably 8 or 9pm, it was still light outside. We all set our alarms for around 1am, and walked into the bar around 2am. Some of the local watering holes were setting special hours for the games, and I remember going to the Clarendon Grille, where we thought we would have to knock on the door to remind them to open up for us. Instead, there was a line around the corner. They opened the doors and we rushed in, trying to find a table to claim for the four of us, plus the other two guys who were meeting us there. Beers at 3am when we need to be at work by 9am? Sure, why not? Three hours later, we're ordering coffee and breakfast, trying to sober up for work. Oh, and the US won.
I love me some World Cup. And I know most of America doesn't get it, and most of America thinks they don't score enough, and most of America thinks it's a game for other countries. But most of America also drinks Budweiser and watches Nascar and loves American Idol. So when America played England yesterday, I had a rod in my pants the entire game. When the US plays Slovenia on Friday at 10am EST, you'd better believe that I'm gonna walk into my office around 8am, answer a few emails, and then go snag a spot in the bar for the next two to three hours. And again, I'll have a rod in my pants the entire game, only this time I won't be in the privacy of my living room.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Season 9 World Series
So I had planned on doing a long write-up about how the world series played out, but then I went to dinner with my wife and had a million beers while I stared at a hot chick at the bar, and got so distracted by camden's pictures here on the blog that I wasted a half hour watching porn as I half-watched Strasburg give up a HR and my wife did laundry. My dog is currently taking a piss on our porch. It took me about fifteen minutes to write those two sentences. Where was I? Oh yeah, the world series has come and gone, and some shit went down. If you hated devon and the Yankees before, you're really going to hate tom and the Ownage now.
A $133M payroll and seven players with overall ratings of 80 or higher, the Ownage are the Yankees of the NL. And we're allowed to hate them, because the fuckers just won the WS. And we can talk about them buying a WS with all of that payroll, but again, the fuckers just won the WS. We can hate all we want, but they have the hardware.
Leading up to the WS, Oakland seriously raped both Indy and Buffalo, sweeping both of those series, although the majority of those games were very close. On the AL side, NY was a #6 seed who needed a full series to get through the first round, and then only lost one more game en route to the WS. Once they both got there, the series turned into a barn-burner, as neither team got a big lead, and it took the full seven games to decide the outcome. They split the opening two games in Oakland, before NY won two of three at home, and went back to Oakland with a lead. But it wouldn't hold up, as the Ownage beat the Yanks pretty soundly in the final two games.
Adam Dunn just hit a HR, which might be what gives Strasburg his first ML win. Go Nats.
Willingham just hit a HR too. If we were playing someone other than the Pirates, I would be impressed.
So yeah. The WS happened. It took about a month to play. Everyone now hates tom more than devon. Congrats to both of you, for different reasons. I hope you both lose 90 games next season while spending $150M.
A $133M payroll and seven players with overall ratings of 80 or higher, the Ownage are the Yankees of the NL. And we're allowed to hate them, because the fuckers just won the WS. And we can talk about them buying a WS with all of that payroll, but again, the fuckers just won the WS. We can hate all we want, but they have the hardware.
Leading up to the WS, Oakland seriously raped both Indy and Buffalo, sweeping both of those series, although the majority of those games were very close. On the AL side, NY was a #6 seed who needed a full series to get through the first round, and then only lost one more game en route to the WS. Once they both got there, the series turned into a barn-burner, as neither team got a big lead, and it took the full seven games to decide the outcome. They split the opening two games in Oakland, before NY won two of three at home, and went back to Oakland with a lead. But it wouldn't hold up, as the Ownage beat the Yanks pretty soundly in the final two games.
Adam Dunn just hit a HR, which might be what gives Strasburg his first ML win. Go Nats.
Willingham just hit a HR too. If we were playing someone other than the Pirates, I would be impressed.
So yeah. The WS happened. It took about a month to play. Everyone now hates tom more than devon. Congrats to both of you, for different reasons. I hope you both lose 90 games next season while spending $150M.
Saturday, May 1, 2010
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