Philly Phanatics (83-79 in S11, 1st in the division)
The tenth season in a row that this franchise has run a $100M+ payroll, international scouts have stopped sending their resumes to Philadelphia, as they know it's a waste of money and paper and time at this point. The front office has fired more and more high school and college scouts over the years. Word on the street is that the high school scouting department is simply the owner's son, who sits in the mail room and reads Junior Baseball. The team's only "big" free agent signing was Vic Mota, who should see a fair amount of time at catcher this season, splitting time with Kaufman. Trading away Santiago Johnson hurts their firepower a little bit, but the primary goal of the trade he was involved in was to ditch some salary, as Philly dropped nearly $20M in salary, while only bringing back in about $8M. Crawford, Seneca, Blackley, and Treadway are still the team's leaders, with Matthews hoping to lend some help this season. The question is whether this addition-by-subtraction plan will work for the franchise.
Batting: C+
Pitching: C+
Fielding: C
Prediction: 78-84, 3rd in division
Iowa City Corn-ish Hens (80-82 in S11, 3rd in Division, no WC)
Back and forth, back and forth, this squad has alternated from 3rd to 1st to 3rd to 1st to 3rd over the last five seasons. So they should win the division this season, right? Signing Alfredo Mendoza was a good start, and at a bargain price of $6.25M each of the next four seasons, that ain't too bad. Meanwhile, the Hens were on the other side of that trade with Philly that netted them Santiago Johnson, Al Navarro, and Dixie Logan. They took on a bunch of salary, but got some really solid players. Their other big deal saw them bring Julian Mendez in to play 2B. On top of that, they still have Suh, Howry, and Bong. I might have just talked myself into picking them for their bi-annual division win.
Batting: B-
Pitching: B-
Fielding: A-
Prediction: 88-74, 1st in the division
Helena Homies (80-82 in S11, 2nd in the division, no WC)
Hey andersaa, your team is running on AI right now. After chadtv posted a 243-405 record in four seasons with this franchise, andersaa has since thrown up a 235-251 record in three seasons, which ain't too shabby when you look at what he had to work with. Running around $75M in payroll, he's not pussy-footing and throwing around lines like "I'm gonna rebuild from the ground up," which we all know is code for "I'm gonna trade away everyone making more than the minimum, so my team will suck, and I'm gonna tank the shit out of this squad all the way to the first overall pick." And what's he using that cash on? Slugger Art Walker was a Type B they signed this offseason. Chris Matthews isn't getting any younger, but he's a bargain at $10.4M over two seasons, and he'll still get the team 175 quality innings this season before probably going to the bullpen in S13. One of the biggest trades this season brought Dan Hernandez, Dizzy Allen, and Omar Valdez to Helena. Allen is a 40-40 guy who OPS's at 1.000+ and is a 4-time MVP who is a sure thing for the HOF. I wish he was still in the AL.
Batting: A-
Pitching: B
Fielding: C+
Prediction: 84-78, 2nd in division
Cincinnati Red Thumpers: (76-86 in S11, 4th in the division)
The lowest payroll in the division at about $47M as this is written, the squad actually has $79M allocated to salaries, so maybe they will try to make a play for a big trade as the season moves along. Or $30M will get moved into the prospect pile. Considering the allocations are exactly the same as last season, me thinks statman527 missed budgeting day. Despite the money available to signing players, Cincy chose to stay out of the FA market and made no trades, meaning the team is coming into S12 with basically the same roster as last season. When everyone else in your division makes major changes, and you don't, and you finished in last place the season before....that doesn't bode well. Benny Lewis makes his ML debut this season, and the rest of the roster is full of young guns (only two guys on the ML roster are 30 or older), so the future looks bright. But S12, not so much.
Batting: C-
Pitching: C
Fielding: B
Prediction: 75-87, 4th in the division
All the World News that's unfit for print.
Monday, December 27, 2010
Christmas and the start of S12
Here we go fucktards, yet another season of Sag's Swingers Memorial BPF World. Over this Christmas weekend, I was sitting on the couch, stroking my cock, while looking at the ratings for Buck and Jumbo and Humberto and Rico, and I thought about how lucky we are to play in this world with so many good owners and such little drama and such quick rollovers after I win the WS. Not everyone is as fortunate as we are. Did you know some worlds don't fill all of their ownership spots within the first 24 hours? I know, I was shocked too. Did you know there are some worlds that have allowed reigny to lose 100+ games for ten consecutive seasons? The horror! And did you know they have what are called "public leagues," where any idiot can join without a password?!? I hope you're sitting down while you read this. We are very fortunate to play in a world like this, and you should at least think about thanking your commish for keeping this world running as smoothly as it does. I won't thank him, but maybe you should. And on that note, here are some Christmas videos you should click on if you don't want the terrorists to win. If you've already seen them, watch them again, assholes.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8nbyej2_50Q
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-GA3HPlMhOE
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E8gmARGvPlI
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f6GGAEP9A7A
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=afbLb8A6oSE
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8nbyej2_50Q
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-GA3HPlMhOE
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E8gmARGvPlI
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f6GGAEP9A7A
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=afbLb8A6oSE
Monday, December 13, 2010
1 Winner, 31 Losers
A famous Ghostbuster once said "we came, we saw, we kicked its ass." The same words were yelled multiple times this weekend throughout the Sandias clubhouse and front office. Everyone from stud Buck Cain, to pitching great Jumbo Long, to the LoA hitting coach Phil Neal, to the mastermind who put the whole thing together.....njohnson78. And what was the "it" that they were referring to? The entire Sag's Swingers Memorial BPF world. We came, we saw, we kicked its ass.
Other than the brilliant owner who put the team together, who would the franchise most like to thank? Of course, all of the stepping stones, er, people, who helped this team along the way. mira, who let Alex Pizzaro come to town for a couple of prospects. AP hit .348 during the post-season, with 13 RBI's in 16 games. jstnklly traded Jumbo Long to us, in exchange for Oscar Hamilton and Jorge Sivilla, both of whom had good seasons for St Louis, but Jumbo won the Cy Young and went 4-0 in the post-season for the Sandias. Or if we want to go really far back, foolsgold traded Buck to us for three prospects. Buck didn't do much for us in the post-season, but his numbers in the regular season are what helped us get to the playoffs in the first place. In that same season, bbwinksdaddy traded Alarcon to us for Spahn. Humberto had a very solid regular and post-season for our squad. Spahn spent a good portion of the season receiving treatment for his herpes.
Everything else was done by the brilliant team owner. Bringing in Cairo and Mesa, acquiring some of the best coaches money can buy, using players in such a way that nobody was fatigued as the team entered the playoffs.....how this was his first WS win in this world, nobody can understand. But with virtually the entire roster returning next season, and all of them being a year more experienced, clearly Albuquerque is the early favorite to repeat in S12. How could they not be? With the combination of their hitting, pitching, fielding, coaching, and simply brilliant ownership.....the early Vegas line has them as 2-to-5 favorites. Milwaukee is a distant second, at 5-to-1 odds. Despite their talent, Vancouver's lack of luck combined with the jinx put on them by WIS, Vegas lists them as 275-to-1, dead last in the world. When one Vegas expert was asked, he said that "if reigny came in and took over one of the AL franchises, his odds would be 250-to-1." ouch.
Other than the brilliant owner who put the team together, who would the franchise most like to thank? Of course, all of the stepping stones, er, people, who helped this team along the way. mira, who let Alex Pizzaro come to town for a couple of prospects. AP hit .348 during the post-season, with 13 RBI's in 16 games. jstnklly traded Jumbo Long to us, in exchange for Oscar Hamilton and Jorge Sivilla, both of whom had good seasons for St Louis, but Jumbo won the Cy Young and went 4-0 in the post-season for the Sandias. Or if we want to go really far back, foolsgold traded Buck to us for three prospects. Buck didn't do much for us in the post-season, but his numbers in the regular season are what helped us get to the playoffs in the first place. In that same season, bbwinksdaddy traded Alarcon to us for Spahn. Humberto had a very solid regular and post-season for our squad. Spahn spent a good portion of the season receiving treatment for his herpes.
Everything else was done by the brilliant team owner. Bringing in Cairo and Mesa, acquiring some of the best coaches money can buy, using players in such a way that nobody was fatigued as the team entered the playoffs.....how this was his first WS win in this world, nobody can understand. But with virtually the entire roster returning next season, and all of them being a year more experienced, clearly Albuquerque is the early favorite to repeat in S12. How could they not be? With the combination of their hitting, pitching, fielding, coaching, and simply brilliant ownership.....the early Vegas line has them as 2-to-5 favorites. Milwaukee is a distant second, at 5-to-1 odds. Despite their talent, Vancouver's lack of luck combined with the jinx put on them by WIS, Vegas lists them as 275-to-1, dead last in the world. When one Vegas expert was asked, he said that "if reigny came in and took over one of the AL franchises, his odds would be 250-to-1." ouch.
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
She can eat all the crackers in bed she wants...
Coming tonight, a look at next seasons Free Agent class. You're going to love it!
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
My Issue
At least a handful of you dicks know that I coach high school rowing. Recently, I applied for a job with a fairly prestigious team in this area. Arguably the most historic team in the country, that kind of prestige. They're not as good as they were maybe a decade ago, and certainly not as good as they were 20 or 30 years ago, but they're still pretty good. Also interviewing were two of the assistant coaches from last year. We will call the chick MK, and the dude AZ. Both had two seasons of coaching experience. MK coached the second boat last year to a national championship. Think of the second boat as the JV team. So it would be like your JV volleyball team winning the state championship for their level, if such a thing exists. AZ won the state championship with his third level boat. If there was something between the freshman and JV level, that would be it. Think, retarded JV. That is the complete resume for each of them.
I've been coaching for six years, pretty much year-round for the last three or four years. I've coached high school, I've coached junior elite, I've coached adults, I've done pretty much everything but the college level. I am at this boathouse pretty much non-stop from March through November. MK and AZ show up in March and then leave when the high school season is over at the end of May. I know my way around a budget, I know how to rig boats, I know how to repair boats, I know all of the administrative shit.....I know what I'm fucking doing, this is not my first rodeo. All three of us interview about a month ago, and they hire me. Yay me.
Almost immediately, there is a backlash from some of the girls on this team, because they all like MK, and they are all impressed with her national championship from last spring. A few girls complain, and they get their parents to complain. Meanwhile, MK has a mentor, who also thinks she should have gotten the job. (Side note, at this point AZ realizes he doesn't know shit about shit, and had no business applying for the job, and is a non-factor. He will not be mentioned anymore.) So her mentor, as far as I can tell, basically has her sit back in a corner while he goes to bat for her. He calls every parent that he knows on the team, and he calls the booster club, and he calls the principal of the school. The athletic director and the principal basically tell all of these folks to go shit in their respective hats. "We've made our decision, parents and students do not get a say in the hiring process." Eventually, someone goes to HR and comes up with a few loopholes. One of the guys who sat on the interview panel knows me. He also knows the other two applicants, but people ignore that point. There was also no female representation on the panel. Who gives a shit? And supposedly they printed out MK's work resume, not her rowing resume. I think they should have stuck with her work resume, because her rowing resume is about two sentences long. So what does HR decide to do? They retract their offer to me for the head coach position, and they are opening it up again.
So now I have quit my old coaching job. I brought in an assistant coach, who also quit her old job. I have to apply all over again for this position, and go through the interview process again. I am not too happy. So what do I do here?
-Do I tell them to fuck off and just quit? This is turning into quite a headache, and the parents are still going to be pissed after I get hired again.
-Do I push through, get hired yet again, and fire MK and her mentor? (He is a very part-time asst coach.)
-Do I push through, get hired again, and demote MK down to the third or fourth level boats? Oh, and fire her mentor? That's pretty much a given at this point.
-Do I push through, get hired again, and let everything stay as it is, so as to keep everyone happy and show that I'm not vindictive and angry?
-Other?
I've been coaching for six years, pretty much year-round for the last three or four years. I've coached high school, I've coached junior elite, I've coached adults, I've done pretty much everything but the college level. I am at this boathouse pretty much non-stop from March through November. MK and AZ show up in March and then leave when the high school season is over at the end of May. I know my way around a budget, I know how to rig boats, I know how to repair boats, I know all of the administrative shit.....I know what I'm fucking doing, this is not my first rodeo. All three of us interview about a month ago, and they hire me. Yay me.
Almost immediately, there is a backlash from some of the girls on this team, because they all like MK, and they are all impressed with her national championship from last spring. A few girls complain, and they get their parents to complain. Meanwhile, MK has a mentor, who also thinks she should have gotten the job. (Side note, at this point AZ realizes he doesn't know shit about shit, and had no business applying for the job, and is a non-factor. He will not be mentioned anymore.) So her mentor, as far as I can tell, basically has her sit back in a corner while he goes to bat for her. He calls every parent that he knows on the team, and he calls the booster club, and he calls the principal of the school. The athletic director and the principal basically tell all of these folks to go shit in their respective hats. "We've made our decision, parents and students do not get a say in the hiring process." Eventually, someone goes to HR and comes up with a few loopholes. One of the guys who sat on the interview panel knows me. He also knows the other two applicants, but people ignore that point. There was also no female representation on the panel. Who gives a shit? And supposedly they printed out MK's work resume, not her rowing resume. I think they should have stuck with her work resume, because her rowing resume is about two sentences long. So what does HR decide to do? They retract their offer to me for the head coach position, and they are opening it up again.
So now I have quit my old coaching job. I brought in an assistant coach, who also quit her old job. I have to apply all over again for this position, and go through the interview process again. I am not too happy. So what do I do here?
-Do I tell them to fuck off and just quit? This is turning into quite a headache, and the parents are still going to be pissed after I get hired again.
-Do I push through, get hired yet again, and fire MK and her mentor? (He is a very part-time asst coach.)
-Do I push through, get hired again, and demote MK down to the third or fourth level boats? Oh, and fire her mentor? That's pretty much a given at this point.
-Do I push through, get hired again, and let everything stay as it is, so as to keep everyone happy and show that I'm not vindictive and angry?
-Other?
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Friday, October 22, 2010
BPF All-Timey Rotation:The Fab 5
Having examined teams thoroughly for umpteen seasons now, I can confidently claim that this world has been a pitchers world. There are three who stand above all others but the fourth and fifth spots can be made claim to by many excellent candidates. The criteria I'm using are stats, awards, bias, and opinion. Because I have recently been declared "The Worlds Pre-Eminent Thinker", again, my opinion, is in fact, unassailable, so learn to live with it.
Starter One:
The Heat, as he's known in Vancouver, in only four and nearly a half seasons has already established the highest winning percentage in BPF history. One of the rarest creatures in HBD, McMillon has more strikeouts than innings pitched over his career. Relying on a biting, 95+MPH four seamer, and a ridiculously effective palmball (whatever the fuck that is, haven't heard that term since the 80s) has two Cy Youngs and a Rookie Of The Year, McMillon is on his way to the most storied career thus far in BPF history. Even though his post season career has been very opposite of his regular seasons, he's still my choice to start game one of the WS. Only thing holding him back from pitching to his potential is the fact he's on my team and I'm a lousy GM.
Starter Two:
This world's most celebrated pitcher with four Cy Young and constant All-Star apprearances. Not overpowering by any stretch Long dominates with accuracy and touch, and a buckling slider that's just a notch slower than his fastball. A sub 3.00 ERA in over 2400 innings is a massive achievement. Long has also demonstrated a longevity of excellence, being a season 1 original. Jumbo is still bitter over the ridicule he took for his name, while a member of the Faggots.
Starter Three
I'll leave the obvious name associations aside. Damn fine pitcher who's made a fucking mint (207 mil!) in his career in BPF. One Cy Young and World Series ring, several All-Star games, his own political talk show on MSNBC (oops). Record the past few seasons hasn't been as shiny as early in his career and his skills are sliding but still effective and owner of a fine legacy. Considering a run for the Senate (oops).
Starter Four
This idiot has carved himself a great career despite a marginal IQ. Possessing a 98MPH fastball and just effectively wild, did as stupid does, but still managed to induce goundouts and swinging strike threes, season after season. Getting up there but has won back to back rings and is shooting for three straight with Chicago. So you know how life is like a box of chocolates and you never know what you're going to get? Yeah well most boxes come with a fucking guide. It's pretty easy to figure out which is which, moron. Never noticed he's from Surrey BC before. Used to be Vancouver's asshole much like I said about Tacoma, a place so nice they put the airport there.
Starter Number Five (say it like Lou Bega would)
There was fierce competition for this spot, at least a dozen valid candidates, but when you look at consistency and body of work, it becomes clear. Cordero relies on a hard fastball, curveball combo with a couple other pitches thrown to keep hitters off balance. Never saw Brooke Shield's 13 yr old tits when she was next door to his hometown (that might go over some heads, but trust me, it's brilliant). His first season in Syracuse is made more amazing with the knowledge Cordero compiled a 2.69 ERA despite the Keystone Cops antics behind him.
And now Brooke Shields in Blue Lagoon:
Starter One:
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The Heat, as he's known in Vancouver, in only four and nearly a half seasons has already established the highest winning percentage in BPF history. One of the rarest creatures in HBD, McMillon has more strikeouts than innings pitched over his career. Relying on a biting, 95+MPH four seamer, and a ridiculously effective palmball (whatever the fuck that is, haven't heard that term since the 80s) has two Cy Youngs and a Rookie Of The Year, McMillon is on his way to the most storied career thus far in BPF history. Even though his post season career has been very opposite of his regular seasons, he's still my choice to start game one of the WS. Only thing holding him back from pitching to his potential is the fact he's on my team and I'm a lousy GM.
Starter Two:
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This world's most celebrated pitcher with four Cy Young and constant All-Star apprearances. Not overpowering by any stretch Long dominates with accuracy and touch, and a buckling slider that's just a notch slower than his fastball. A sub 3.00 ERA in over 2400 innings is a massive achievement. Long has also demonstrated a longevity of excellence, being a season 1 original. Jumbo is still bitter over the ridicule he took for his name, while a member of the Faggots.
Starter Three
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I'll leave the obvious name associations aside. Damn fine pitcher who's made a fucking mint (207 mil!) in his career in BPF. One Cy Young and World Series ring, several All-Star games, his own political talk show on MSNBC (oops). Record the past few seasons hasn't been as shiny as early in his career and his skills are sliding but still effective and owner of a fine legacy. Considering a run for the Senate (oops).
Starter Four
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This idiot has carved himself a great career despite a marginal IQ. Possessing a 98MPH fastball and just effectively wild, did as stupid does, but still managed to induce goundouts and swinging strike threes, season after season. Getting up there but has won back to back rings and is shooting for three straight with Chicago. So you know how life is like a box of chocolates and you never know what you're going to get? Yeah well most boxes come with a fucking guide. It's pretty easy to figure out which is which, moron. Never noticed he's from Surrey BC before. Used to be Vancouver's asshole much like I said about Tacoma, a place so nice they put the airport there.
Starter Number Five (say it like Lou Bega would)
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There was fierce competition for this spot, at least a dozen valid candidates, but when you look at consistency and body of work, it becomes clear. Cordero relies on a hard fastball, curveball combo with a couple other pitches thrown to keep hitters off balance. Never saw Brooke Shield's 13 yr old tits when she was next door to his hometown (that might go over some heads, but trust me, it's brilliant). His first season in Syracuse is made more amazing with the knowledge Cordero compiled a 2.69 ERA despite the Keystone Cops antics behind him.
And now Brooke Shields in Blue Lagoon:
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
All time All BPF team.
Should have done this last season, but better late than never. With 10 seasons having passed it's time to look at which players have been the best by position so far. So I imagined convenening an esteemed panel of pretend baseball experts, insiders, and the liberal sports media to come up with this team. I'll start first with the catchers position. This one's pretty easy:
bnags stole Neal from Portland (now Salem) in season 5 in probably the worst trade in BPF history (shame on us for not catching that one). Seriously, Neal for Yuniesky Maranon, Bryan Anderson, and Albert Simon, fucking awful. A World Series ring, several Silver Sluggers, All-Star appearances, and a Gold Glove later and you have one of the most bestest players in BPF. Though not blessed with the strongest arm, he's a more than capable pitch caller, and a sick bat. Honorable mention goes to Geronimo Cruz. When reached for a comment Neal simply stated in a thick Brooklyn accent, "Go fuck yourself".
At first base the choice was easy:
The most decorated player in BPF history has been aided by playing in some hitter friendly park's and some dubious early seasons pitching. But his achievements can't be denied. A stunning combination of power and speed, and a very competent glove man at first. 5 MVPs, 2 Gold Gloves, a slew of All-Star games and a championship on his sparkling resume. All time BPF leader in runs, homers, RBIs, and stolen bases. Unbelievably has never learned english except to say "baseball has been bery, bery good to me".
Our second bagger is:
Though still surrounded by the controversy involving several underage Thai boy prostitutes and a long standing addiction to opium and opium derivatives, Hall has forged himself a sexy career. Though he spent a couple seasons in RF recently, Hall has two MVPs and four Silver Sluggers at second. He's also a two-time consecutive World Series champeen, and has a good shot at three in a row with Chicago this season. We asked his teamates ofr a comment, and it was almost universal: "sick asshole, but a great player". Aspires to be a baby sitter specializing in pre-pubescent boys when his career winds up.
The best shortstop we've seen so far is a much harder call. The panel wanted the defensive importance of the postion to be of greater signifigance than the bat. We haven't seen a SS win an MVP, there have been a few big hitters with lacking glove work, who also spent significant time at other positions, which the panel concluded was not enough to qualify. So believe it or not here is the ALL-Time BPF shortstop:
I know, I know, but I think he's the only SS to win both a Gold Glove (4) and a Silver Slugger (2), as well as making the All-Star team in his first five seasons. Both Aaron Spahn and Pedro Aguilera have won Silver Sluggers at the position but neither are true shortstops. Anyways Tejada was a rocket armed hoover in the early days who went largely unnoticed except by the awards commitee. Here you go Tony, congrats.
Third base gives us a lot of candidates and maybe some controversy. Or maybe not. There hasn't been a player who, over the course of this world's history, been there season in season out. We've seen many player have a good stretch here and there and there have been some familiar names appear over time such as Flores in vancouver and Rader, whereever the hell he is. Aguilera has spent some time there and won awards but in the end the nod goes to :
He's spent quite a bit of time as an over reaching shortstop, but his true spot is at the Hot Corner where he's won both the Gold Glove and Silver Slugger. This world's only openly gay player it's his career goal to one day play in KC. Spahn won a ring in his first season, which spoiled him as he thought it would be easy to win more as easy as it is to get an anonymous blow job in the showers at whatever Y he was at. Wrong.
Let's move to the outfield. we'll start in center. It came down to Flash Bass and the eventual winner of this phony popularity contest
Though recently moved to secondbase, Morris's achievements in center can't be denied. He's won every AL CF Silver Slugger since his rookie season (which also had him win Rookie of The Year). Power and speed, with very good range. In off-field news it was recently discovered he has sent cell phone pictures of his dick to a former Jets employee...er, wait...that's Brett Favre. dick isn't that impressive, wouldn't even tempt Spahn.
In left the Star Chamber decided upon:
Pretty weak pool of candidates, many candidates from the first few seasons, Starr is the only one with longevity at the position and has won both Silver Sluggers and Gold Gloves at the position. Really boring guy, collects empty toilet rolls as a hobby and has been known to chew cud.
In rightfield it was settled upon:
Couldn't catch a cold in the field, but at the plate the guy is bonkers. Three time MVP still in his peak years and winning championships. In the early days of BPF Rob Dickerson was The Man in right but his legacy has been clocked by Allen, whose trophy mantle keeps filling up. Shockingly admitted that as a teenage promise keeper who hasn't met "the One" he's still a virgin.
The panel decided to pass on the DH as it's not applicable to both leagues. The panel reconvenes tommorrow for the All-time BPF Four Man Rotation and maybe closer.
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bnags stole Neal from Portland (now Salem) in season 5 in probably the worst trade in BPF history (shame on us for not catching that one). Seriously, Neal for Yuniesky Maranon, Bryan Anderson, and Albert Simon, fucking awful. A World Series ring, several Silver Sluggers, All-Star appearances, and a Gold Glove later and you have one of the most bestest players in BPF. Though not blessed with the strongest arm, he's a more than capable pitch caller, and a sick bat. Honorable mention goes to Geronimo Cruz. When reached for a comment Neal simply stated in a thick Brooklyn accent, "Go fuck yourself".
At first base the choice was easy:
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The most decorated player in BPF history has been aided by playing in some hitter friendly park's and some dubious early seasons pitching. But his achievements can't be denied. A stunning combination of power and speed, and a very competent glove man at first. 5 MVPs, 2 Gold Gloves, a slew of All-Star games and a championship on his sparkling resume. All time BPF leader in runs, homers, RBIs, and stolen bases. Unbelievably has never learned english except to say "baseball has been bery, bery good to me".
Our second bagger is:
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Though still surrounded by the controversy involving several underage Thai boy prostitutes and a long standing addiction to opium and opium derivatives, Hall has forged himself a sexy career. Though he spent a couple seasons in RF recently, Hall has two MVPs and four Silver Sluggers at second. He's also a two-time consecutive World Series champeen, and has a good shot at three in a row with Chicago this season. We asked his teamates ofr a comment, and it was almost universal: "sick asshole, but a great player". Aspires to be a baby sitter specializing in pre-pubescent boys when his career winds up.
The best shortstop we've seen so far is a much harder call. The panel wanted the defensive importance of the postion to be of greater signifigance than the bat. We haven't seen a SS win an MVP, there have been a few big hitters with lacking glove work, who also spent significant time at other positions, which the panel concluded was not enough to qualify. So believe it or not here is the ALL-Time BPF shortstop:
 |
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I know, I know, but I think he's the only SS to win both a Gold Glove (4) and a Silver Slugger (2), as well as making the All-Star team in his first five seasons. Both Aaron Spahn and Pedro Aguilera have won Silver Sluggers at the position but neither are true shortstops. Anyways Tejada was a rocket armed hoover in the early days who went largely unnoticed except by the awards commitee. Here you go Tony, congrats.
Third base gives us a lot of candidates and maybe some controversy. Or maybe not. There hasn't been a player who, over the course of this world's history, been there season in season out. We've seen many player have a good stretch here and there and there have been some familiar names appear over time such as Flores in vancouver and Rader, whereever the hell he is. Aguilera has spent some time there and won awards but in the end the nod goes to :
 |
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He's spent quite a bit of time as an over reaching shortstop, but his true spot is at the Hot Corner where he's won both the Gold Glove and Silver Slugger. This world's only openly gay player it's his career goal to one day play in KC. Spahn won a ring in his first season, which spoiled him as he thought it would be easy to win more as easy as it is to get an anonymous blow job in the showers at whatever Y he was at. Wrong.
Let's move to the outfield. we'll start in center. It came down to Flash Bass and the eventual winner of this phony popularity contest
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Though recently moved to secondbase, Morris's achievements in center can't be denied. He's won every AL CF Silver Slugger since his rookie season (which also had him win Rookie of The Year). Power and speed, with very good range. In off-field news it was recently discovered he has sent cell phone pictures of his dick to a former Jets employee...er, wait...that's Brett Favre. dick isn't that impressive, wouldn't even tempt Spahn.
In left the Star Chamber decided upon:
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Pretty weak pool of candidates, many candidates from the first few seasons, Starr is the only one with longevity at the position and has won both Silver Sluggers and Gold Gloves at the position. Really boring guy, collects empty toilet rolls as a hobby and has been known to chew cud.
In rightfield it was settled upon:
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Couldn't catch a cold in the field, but at the plate the guy is bonkers. Three time MVP still in his peak years and winning championships. In the early days of BPF Rob Dickerson was The Man in right but his legacy has been clocked by Allen, whose trophy mantle keeps filling up. Shockingly admitted that as a teenage promise keeper who hasn't met "the One" he's still a virgin.
The panel decided to pass on the DH as it's not applicable to both leagues. The panel reconvenes tommorrow for the All-time BPF Four Man Rotation and maybe closer.
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